There seem to be so many grey areas in a relationship
Question:
Hello there,
I’ve recently gotten engaged to my boyfriend after several years of dating and have some questions regarding how we should conduct ourselves during this period of our lives, in a realistic and godly way.
I’m aware that sex is not allowed, but all the other areas regarding a relationship seem to be a “grey area” to me, which makes me very confused. To me, I would take the grey areas as "it depends" because if the Bible doesn’t explicitly state something, how can I know exactly what to do? I also don’t really understand how a couple can stay together and be happy and in love when so many things are prohibited.
Another question I have is about the sleeping situation. My fiancé and I live 30 minutes away from each other and find it very important to spend most days together. We both live at our parents’ homes, but neither has a spare room. We are very confident that sleeping next to each other will not lead to anything further and have no doubts that it would or could lead to anymore more, but is this still allowed? Sleeping next to each other to me is no more than a comfort thing!
If not, how do we go about it, as any other option seems very unsustainable and not realistic to me?
I think for me, I get confused because some couples may find it really hard to stay away from temptations and therefore shouldn’t do certain things, but other couples may not be tempted, so therefore, what do they do?
I hope you can understand where I am coming from and help me, because I'm currently distraught and confused about my questions.
Many thanks.
Answer:
Your difficulty is not that God isn't clear about how you should behave. You call them "gray areas" only because you don't like the restrictions and refuse to see that they are for your good. "They shall be My people, and I will be their God; and I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear Me always, for their own good and for the good of their children after them" (Jeremiah 32:38-39).
The truth is that 30 minutes is not that far away from each other. It is not an inconvenience for each to sleep in his or her own bed. As you noted, you are pushing for this because of the personal pleasure or comfort that you get from being close to him.
Here are reasonable boundaries:
- Do nothing that will cause the other person to be sexually aroused. "But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints" (Ephesians 5:3). Neither of you should assume that just because something doesn't bother you, that it could not bother the other person. You should not be in a rush. You want this relationship to grow at its own pace. "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the hinds of the field, that you do not arouse or awaken my love until she pleases" (Song of Solomon 2:7).
- Do nothing that you would not do with your parents in the room. You need to maintain a sense of propriety. That is one of the things Israel lost. "Were they ashamed because of the abomination they have done? They were not even ashamed at all; they did not even know how to blush. Therefore they shall fall among those who fall; at the time that I punish them, they shall be cast down," says the LORD" (Jeremiah 6:15). Be protective of each other's honor. It is more than just not doing sexual things, but also not leaving the impression that sexual things are going on behind everyone's back. You don't want anyone getting the wrong impression about the person you are dating.
- Do nothing that you would not want someone doing to your brother or sister. "Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity" (I Timothy 4:12). "Purity" is the opposite of uncleanness. It is the idea that you know you are set apart as dedicated to God, and you will not pollute what belongs to God. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5).
- Go out of your way to reduce the temptations faced by the other person. Love "does not behave rudely, ... does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth" (I Corinthians 13:5-6). So, don't spend time alone with each other where someone else might not be able to see you. Don't be provocative. "Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others" (Philippians 2:4).
You are making two basic mistakes. You think that if you don't find a situation sexually arousing, then your boyfriend feels the same way. You also think that because nothing bad has happened so far, it will continue not to be bad. See "How can I show my brother that it is wrong to sleep with a woman even though you aren't having sex?" Any honest person knows that if you put a boy and a girl alone in a bed, sex will eventually happen. It is what the natural instinct of the body craves.
Solomon points out the problem when he asked, "Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?" (Proverbs 6:27). You can show a hot coal all the affection you want. You can cuddle it and dote on it, and it will still burn you. Your kindness to it doesn't change its nature. How often do you hear someone say, "But I love her!" Solomon's point is that your feelings toward a girl won't change the fact that both of you have built-in desires and capabilities for sex. Trigger them, and they follow the instincts built into you.
Solomon also asked, "Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared?" (Proverbs 6:28). Using the same example of hot coal, if you walk on it, it will burn you. You can apologize and say you didn't mean to step on it, but you'll still be hurt because your intentions don't change what it is. Thus, the excuse, "But I didn't mean for it to go this far!" becomes an empty one because your intentions don't change your body's drive.
That is why Solomon concludes, "So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent" (Proverbs 6:29). Though he is talking directly about adultery, the same point is valid for fornication. When you start intentionally stirring up sexual feelings, you are never innocent when things go further than you wanted.
You need to understand that there are more sexual sins than fornication. See "The Root Cause of Sexual Sins" and "What are all the types of sexual sins?"
"I want" doesn't make something right.
