My boyfriend doesn’t want to get married yet because he’ll be dropped from his dad’s insurance. What should I do?

Answer:

First, of course, it is OK to write. I enjoy helping people with their problems and showing them how God makes sense. If you poke around on La Vista's web site you'll see that I answer quite a number of questions on just about any subject related to the Scriptures.

Since you seem to understand the seriousness of your situation, I'll save my scoldings for other matters. Sometimes, though, it helps to see why something you know is wrong is that way. It might help your discussions with your boyfriend. So, take a look at "Why Sex Outside of Marriage is Wrong" to get your thoughts in order.

I know you call this boy your fiance, but since he doesn't want to commit to marriage at this time, it is an improper term. At the moment he is merely your boyfriend whom you are very serious about. The fact that you are having sex with him doesn't make the relationship any more certain or committed. That is a mistake many young people make. You cannot make a marriage happen by pretending to be married, which is what you are doing. You are living together and having sex together, but this isn't what marriage is about. Married couples do these things, but these things don't make the marriage.

In fact, sex is hindering the likelihood that you will get married. I know, it is a strange concept, but I would like you to take a moment to read "Marriage's Glue." When you are done, I have some additional ideas to discuss.

Because you gave your boyfriend sex for free, you removed one of the motivating factors which gets young men interested in being married. At the moment he gets all the sex he wants without having to make very many changes in his life. All he needs to do is talk about marriage as something he'll do "one day." Since there is no end to the excuses as to why it isn't convenient to get married now, he can put off the actual marriage indefinitely. Meanwhile, it doesn't matter because he has you without the commitment and he has free access to your body.

It is clear to me that you were eager to rush matters. You started living with a boy who never left home. You now see the need for that separation. Without it, he will never really become one with you. But it appears that you have convinced yourself that if he will just move out of his home, he'll become one with you. Sadly, that won't happen. You should have been looking for a man -- a person who has become independent of his parents, even if he still happens to be living at home. Instead, you accepted a boy still living under his parents and you removed all motivation for him separate his ties. The order from the beginning has been: 1) Separate from parents, 2) Cleave to wife (i.e. marriage), and then 3) the two become one flesh. You are trying to get step 3 without 1 and 2.

But do you realize something? Your boyfriend is putting money before you and his God. As you pointed out, it isn't that he can't afford insurance and medications. It is just that once he marries, mom and dad aren't going to cover some of his bills any longer. That is more important to him than marriage to you and that is more important to him than going to heaven. And this is the guy you want to marry and raise your children?

It is guys like him who give Christianity a bad name. He is claiming to be something that he isn't living. The standard word for that is "hypocrisy." He is just playing at Christianity, just as he is just playing at marriage.

You can repent of your sins and change all of this right now. All it takes is courage. Move out, back in with your parents if you can or need to. Tell your boyfriend that you are going to obey God and do it His way. And if he wants you to be his wife, then he has to join you in living by God's rules. Then date each other. If he proposes, decide if this is the man with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. Then get married. But until you are married, no more sex! He has to prove he is worthy of your love by being willing to commit the rest of his life to you before he gets the benefits of that love.

"What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? ... Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts. And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God." (Romans 6:1-2, 12-13).