My boyfriend doesn’t believe in complete abstinence, so we have come close to having sex too many times. What do I do?



I really needed to pour out my mind to someone else, and I saw people with similar problems emailing you on the Internet. I really need help. I'm at a point in my life where I long to serve God more. I want to truly be His daughter this new year.

I'm 20 years old. My boyfriend is 22. We've dated for two years now and it's not been all rosy. We've helped each other through a lot, and we're very close. We're both happy, respect each other, and are mature. I'm very close to his family as well. We love each other so much and wish to get married in the future. I'm not the perfect Christian, but I try to be. I'm not happy with his spiritual life, and I've been trying to make him be spiritually stronger because I want him to be upright with God. It would be easier if as the head in the relationship he was also the head spiritually.

He doesn't believe in total abstinence, but he has waited for me for the past two years now, ?which has not been easy sexually for the both of us, especially him since he is the sexually active one. He has managed without pressuring me other than the natural physical sexual feelings he has as a human being, which I see. We operate a long-distance relationship, which makes things more complicated for the relationship since we have most of our conversations over the phone. We always miss each other's company. Whenever I get to travel down to see him (which is not too often) we almost have sex every time and do things to substitute for not having sex. I'm not proud of it. In fact, I feel horrible to the extent that when I get back home I'm always down, sad, and can't even pray. I end up quarreling about it over the phone with him because I blame him and myself. At one point I intentionally avoided seeing him for months. It's like torture for me, but he can't understand why. It's painful sometimes because he can't really understand the way I feel because he never feels that way.

I've tried severally to break up with him, but we get back together almost immediately. I pray all the time for God to just end things for us but whatever challenges that come, we overcome them. I feel the desire to have sex as well, don't get me wrong, especially when we are together and I can't control myself at times. He used to be more patient, but I think after these two years my fears are becoming reality. He is getting tired and it's getting harder, not that he is changing or is pressuring me, but I just feel it somehow. He never put any pressure on me and always wants to hear my side. That's why I've always respected him.

I've thought about marriage, just going to court and getting married, but we're both in school and not ready now. I know I must put God first. That's why I feel I have to break up with him to stay away from fornication but it's not been easy. I love him so much, and I don't know what to do next. I hope you can help.


You don't describe a man who would be an ideal husband for you. The odds are that over time he will pull you away from Christ by his reluctance to follow Christ. It won't be anything overt, just a gradual cooling of your desire to serve Christ. However, I can't make this decision for you. If you are determined to marry this man, then the only answer is to go ahead and get married. "But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (I Corinthians 7:8-9).

Your reason for not marrying is artificial. There is nothing that says that students cannot be married. It won't be easy for your marriage because of your need to complete your studies when the two of you live apart, but it can be done -- for that matter, you are doing it now.

You state that you need to put God first; yet, you are not heeding God's advice. Yes, you have barely managed to avoid fornication so far, but you have been involved in lewdness, lust, and other sexual sins. "Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts" (Romans 13:13-14). Why is one set of sins better than another? Are not all sins equally bad? The truth is that you are both burning with passion rather than seeking a way to live righteously.

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