I’ve been going through a lot and I’ve just had it with life
I need help. I've been going through a lot right now. But here is what is going on:
We couldn't afford to stay at my original house, so we had to move into a smaller house. Money is really tight right now. We're poor. I don't know if God is doing it to us.
I have recently been struggling with masturbation with porn, and I'm just tired of it. I feel like God is punishing me, but for what, I don't know.
I want to be an animator. I don't know how to take the next step in college because I can't afford it.
I just want to know why. Why couldn't I just have been born rich or smart? I'm struggling with a class in college and everybody around me is getting to greater places and have the attention and smarts. I'd have nothing but an expectation that will never be fulfilled. I just feel like I want to die every single day. I have just had it. I just want to go home and death will always be welcomed by me.
I don't know if I can give you a satisfactory answer because when people get depressed, they often insist on seeing the negative and don't want to be talked out of it. But I'll try.
I'm really sorry that your family is struggling. Even if I knew all the details of what is happening, there aren't always answers as to why because we are not aware of all that goes on behind the scenes or where events lead. Since "why" can't always be answered and the past can't be changed, the better questions should revolve around how to deal with what is.
I'm not surprised that pornography is particularly tempting. People sometimes use masturbation as a stress relief because the after-effect of orgasm is a release of a hormone that causes the body to relax for a short while. Pornography becomes a distraction from present problems and makes masturbation last longer. However, it is also a lie. Pornography pollutes the mind and solves no problems. See: Lies Pornography Tells Men.
While it won't make life simpler, have you considered getting a low-paying job that would allow you to earn funds to pay for college? Each of my sons used some form of work to pay for their college education and graduated without debt. One used the military, another worked full-time for a department store while going to school full-time. One decided to use an apprenticeship, and the other worked full-time, went to school part-time, and after saving enough money went the last few years full-time. Scholarships and grant money also were used to ease the costs. In my own education, I entered a cooperative education program that allowed me to alternate semesters of school with semesters of work, so that I was able to earn enough to pay for my schooling.
One advantage of working while getting your education is that the work helps your work ethic and it shapes your ideas about what is really important. You may find that you can get into your desired field without a formal college degree. Or you might come to realize that there are other things that you enjoy doing just as much as animation.
Instead of being miserable about what you don't have, look at what you do have, appreciate those things, enjoy them, and use them to move toward your goals.