I obviously have no idea who is going to read this article. However, I am 100% convinced that someone reading this post today, spent last night looking at pornography. In fact, I imagine that someone reading this post probably looked at pornography within the last hour. Someone reading this post is hooked and can’t seem to stop. Someone reading this post wants to quit looking but subconsciously they’ve bought into the lies. They can’t help themselves. Men seem to be hardwired to be susceptible to the lies of pornography and once they’ve started believing them, as Romans 6-8 says, they do become enslaved. (Not that women can’t and don’t, but it is certainly more of an issue with men).
Allow me to assure you, men, if you buy into these lies, pornography will destroy your ability to have positive, healthy relationships with women, especially your wife. It will even make it hard for you to have healthy relationships with men.
I think the best way to overcome lies is with the truth. So, I’m going to tell you 15 lies pornography tells men.
1. Good women never say, “Not tonight.”
In pornography, a woman might start with, “No,” but always ends screaming, “Yes.” No woman gives a real “No” in pornography. They all at least pretend to be willing participants. But the truth is the good woman you have at home spent today taking care of kids or working a job or cleaning house or doing your laundry or volunteering at the school. She may have gotten bad news today. She may not feel well. She’s a good woman, but tonight just isn’t a good night for her. And trying to force her to be your personal porn star may get you what you want tonight, but it is killing your relationship with her.
2. Healthy women think about having sex all the time and can’t wait to get home to have sex.
In pornography, women are all nymphomaniacs who can’t control themselves. All they think about is having sex again and again and again. Reality check: these women are actresses. Just like actresses turn on the tears when they are pretending someone died in a movie, many of these actresses are doing just that–acting. They want to get paid and they know that acting out their bitter disappointment in men or their feeling of violation and betrayal won’t pay the bills. So they act. Certainly, healthy women have a healthy sex life if they are married, but that doesn’t mean non-stop, every day and twice on Sunday sex. This is hard for men to understand, but our wives did not spend their day waiting for us to get home so we could head to the bedroom. Many of them spent their day waiting on us to get home so they could have some stimulating conversation, so they could simply be held, so they could vent their frustrations to someone who will offer an understanding ear. Certainly, it is not healthy for a married couple to almost never have sex, but healthy women aren’t fixated on sex or just chomping at the bit for their next opportunity.
3. The most important part of women is their breasts, behind, and genitalia.
Sadly, pornography says that the most important thing women have to offer is in the bedroom. All that matters is do they have large breasts or shapely buttocks and will they put out. Don’t let your woman talk, except to say what an awesome sex god you are. Pornography ignores the fact that women have feelings, dreams, hopes, hurts, expectations, needs, thoughts, ideas, goals. Your wife has all of this. These are the more important parts of your wife. Don’t forget that.
4. If your wife really loved you, she’d have sex like this.
Sadly, pornography is actually an escape for those who struggle to develop intimacy with real people. Because they struggle with real intimacy, they often have struggles with sex in their marriage. An easy out is to go to the voyeuristic fakery of pornography. But going there doesn’t help with intimacy with your wife, it just makes it worse. Why? Because pornography puts too many expectations in your head. Every woman is different. Every woman enjoys different things. Every woman finds different things pleasurable. None of them are wrong; they are just different. When you try to force on your wife what you “learned” while watching porn, no matter what you think, you aren’t in it for her. You aren’t trying to get to know her better or please her. She does love you. She just may not love the kind of sex you saw in that pornography.
5. Watching this will make your sex life better.
This lie is so commonplace that it wouldn’t surprise me if someone stumbles on this blog and tells me about how he/she and their spouse started watching porn together and it gave the extra spice they were really needing. But it just isn’t true. If you have to watch porn to get that extra spice, then you simply don’t understand what sex is about (more about this in another lie in a later post). The problem is watching porn inevitably leads to dissatisfaction with sex and your spouse. Sure, at first it provides “ideas” about fun and pleasurable sex. Maybe you do learn a technique or two that adds to the immediate fun. (By the way: I have no problem with fun, creative, experimental sex; the marriage bed is undefiled – Hebrews 13:4). But in the long run, all it does is make the husband and wife wonder if they measure up to what their spouse has seen. It produces competition with the images on the screen. If things don’t go just like they did in the movies, it makes them wonder if a different partner might not be the answer. Further, it makes them fear that maybe their spouse is thinking that. Additionally, once the “spice” of the pornography and all the new techniques wear off, and they will, the only place to go to get that spice back is to try someone else. Using pornography to improve sex in your marriage is a dangerous and deadly approach and anyone who encourages it is a fool (I don’t care how many degrees they have or how much you paid them for therapy or how much they say porn helped them).
6. The purpose of sex is to entertain, recreate, compete or conquer.
Pornography removes sexuality from its rightful place in our lives. With pornography, sex is about either entertainment, recreation, competition, or conquest. Please don’t misunderstand. I think God made sex to be fun. But the ultimate purpose is not for recreation or entertainment. It is not to provide you something fun to do when you’re bored. Even if looking at porn starts here, it almost inevitably leads men into the competition. Pornography says sex is about being better, doing it more, doing it with more women than the next guy. Finally, if it is a competition, it becomes about conquest. First, it is about beating all the other guys. But sadly, it becomes about conquering the women who might resist. This all misses the great reason that God gave us sex. Sure, God gave sex for procreation, but I’m not even going there. I Corinthians 6:16 demonstrates that God gave sex as a celebration of the unity between one man and one woman who have committed themselves to each other. Sex for any other reason is unfulfilling in the long run and leaves the participants empty and desperate for something more substantial than a momentary orgasm. Sadly, the only thing they have been trained to think will accomplish that is more sex, better sex, or even a different partner. So they find themselves in a dreadful cycle of emptiness, searching, and loss.
7. The winner is the guy who has sex with the hottest women or the most women.
If pornography turns sex into a competition, who is the winner? The one who has the most trophies, either because he has had sex with the most women or because he’s had sex with the woman the most men want to have sex with. This seems to work for a while. But as the man leaves yet another woman that he was unable to really connect with on an emotional level, the high of the orgasm wears off, and he returns to his empty house, the victory seems hollow. It doesn’t last. No one on their death bed is going to look back and say, “I’ve had a meaningful and productive life, look at all the women I’ve had sex with.” Or worse, he returns to the house where his wife is waiting for him to love her like Christ loved the church, and the weight of betrayal rests on his shoulders. At that moment, all the locker room bravado seems worthless. There is momentary pleasure in this path, but there is never a meaningful victory.
8. Meaningful sex is about positions.
Missionary is boring. If you want to have good, meaningful sex you’ve got to learn the 25 positions that make her scream. At least, that’s what pornography tells you. This just isn’t true. Meaningful sex is about intimacy and connection. Many folks in the world can’t understand that. That’s why the newsstands are filled with repetitive headlines about sex secrets as if you can unlock the world of meaningful sex by learning the right position, trick, or technique. Without connection and intimacy the greatest tricks, techniques, and positions are actually meaningless. Sure, they may provide a moment of fun and an explosion of physical pleasure, but that is forgotten once the deed is done. When sex, no matter in what position, draws a husband and wife closer emotionally, mentally, and spiritually because they are enjoying one another and celebrating their oneness, that goes with them when the physical pleasure has subsided.
9. The most meaningful sex is just having the most sex.
Pornography says that if you have a meaningful sex life, you’ll have sex all the time. With pornography, especially on the internet, sex is never-ending. There is always another picture, another video, another webcam. Anytime a guy gets the least bit turned on, the women of pornography are waiting. But as we said above, the true meaning of sex is about intimacy and connection. It is not about forcing your wife to put out every time something has put you in the mood. The fact is meaningful sex is about two people learning to communicate with one another about needs, wants, and desires. It is about recognizing that those things are going to be different for each partner. Meaningful sex is about finding the balance that allows neither partner to feel deprived on the one hand or used on the other. Meaningful sex is about letting each experience be one of joy for both partners, not simply a physical pleasure for just one partner.
10. Size is the most important factor in being good at sex.
Let’s face it, we men were trained in our high school locker rooms to think that size matters most. We had our contests, if only verbally and full of lies. But pornography took it to a whole new level. Since in pornography, the only parts of people that really matter is their genitalia and since it tends toward competition, it naturally tells men that if they don’t measure up in the size department, they can’t possibly please their wife sexually. BOGUS! First, if you are married to a woman who saved herself for you, she doesn’t have anything to compare it to. Second, even if she didn’t, size isn’t that big of a deal to many women. They aren’t seeking to have sex with the man whose manhood is the biggest. They want to have sex with someone who will love them, protect them, honor them, care for them, provide for them, hold them, lead them, serve them, enjoy them, validate them, and take care of the children that might come from this sexual union.
11. You only did it right if your wife squirmed, screamed, or squealed.
Pornography is visual entertainment. It is about fast movement, quick cutting shots, and emotion. Since sex is to be pleasurable, it is supposed to be body-wracking. The famous scene from “When Harry Met Sally” demonstrates that is what most people think is a real orgasm. But there are two issues to understand. First, while for men successful sex is about reaching orgasm, that is not always the case for women. Their greater goal is intimacy (though I have no doubt orgasm is enjoyable, but that isn’t always the great goal for women as it is for men). Second, no one experiences or expresses pleasure in the same way. Let your wife express hers in whatever way she wants. You aren’t doing it right because your wife behaves the way an actress does. You are doing it right when you have communicated with your wife and shared with each other what you both find most enjoyable, pleasurable, and meaningful.
12. You don’t have to talk to have sex right, just do what happens naturally.
Pornography is not known for its great dialogue. Everyone just seems to know what they are doing. They know when to move where and how. Everyone looks like they are having a great time, so they must be. But once again, these are actors. And please, don’t be fooled by the amateurs. They’ve seen enough pornography themselves that they know the script by heart even if an actual one hasn’t been written. Sadly, too many guys think that great sex just happens naturally if you are any good. That just isn’t true. Great sex takes communication. Great sex takes patience and time to get to learn one another. Great sex doesn’t happen on your honeymoon, at least not if you’ve waited until your honeymoon to have sex. Each person will have their own likes, dislikes, comfort zones, pleasures. Each person has their own sexual baggage and liberties. Like it or not, if you’re just doing what happens naturally, you’re probably doing it wrong. Instead, you need to be patient and you need to talk. Communicate openly about not only what feels good physically, but what is comfortable emotionally and spiritually. You may coerce your wife into some exciting new trick, and it may even feel physically good for her, but if it makes her feel emotionally and spiritually uncomfortable, you’re trading off a great, meaningful relationship for a few moments of pleasure. Not a good trade-off, my friend.
13. Every interaction with any woman is your next opportunity to have sex.
Pornography says that the nurse who is helping with your physical, the receptionist at the office you are visiting, and even the teacher in the private parent-teacher conference you are having is a potential sex partner if you just play your cards right. If you are a pizza delivery guy, postman, or repairman, you are just minutes away from the sex of your dreams because some woman who has ordered your services is actually ordering your sexual services. Reality check. That just isn’t true. Most women aren’t walking around just waiting for the next willing participant to have sex with. That nurse, receptionist, and teacher are doing their jobs. Most of them are married and want their marriages to work. They aren’t interested in putting their marriage in jeopardy just because you walked into their place of business. Not to mention, as established in dealing with an earlier lie, women don’t walk around just waiting for their next opportunity to have sex.
14. Women are turned on the same way men are.
In pornography, everything happens fast. A man and woman see each other and are turned on, sex is the only solution. This just isn’t real life. Certainly, there are exceptions to every rule, but as Gary Smalley says, men are microwaves and women are crockpots. Even a momentary glimpse, a casual comment, even a brief memory can get a man ready for sex. In general, women just aren’t like that. Women are more in tune with emotions and intimacy. They don’t see a good looking man and suddenly want to have sex. Rather, they have to get emotionally revved up. They generally need to feel an emotional connection. For a man, foreplay might include one suggestive comment. For a woman, it is more likely to include doing the dishes for her, changing the baby’s diaper, having a long conversation about her day, letting her cry on your shoulder about trouble with the kids, giving her a no-expectations shoulder rub. Don’t go home and expect your wife to get turned on like a porn star just because you wiggle your rear as you walk out of the room. That’s just not the norm for women.
15. If what you’re looking at right now doesn’t fix your problems, the next one will.
Pornography is a trap. Most men continue to look at pornography because they are chasing the thrill they experienced the first time they got involved. The escape and excitement were tremendous. It promised to solve whatever issues they had whether it was their fear, their issues of self-esteem, their sadness, their anger, their hurt, their sexual desires. The problem is the solution doesn’t last. It is not even a good band-aid. It provides a momentary escape from whatever is going on, but when you come back down, everything is worse. So then you think you need to look into pornography again. After all, it seemed to help the last time. Then you’re in the trap. Because if it does help for another moment, you’ll want to go back. But if it doesn’t, all you can remember is how it helped the first time, so maybe you just need more. So you go deeper and deeper, crossing more and more lines, needing bigger and bigger hits. When this one doesn’t work, pornography tells you the next one probably will. Despite the fact that over and over again you’ve pursued solutions from pornography and it has never worked, you have been sucked into the pornado and keep believing the next one will do it. But it doesn’t. No one’s life has been made better long term by viewing pornography. Trust me, you will be no exception.
I know that many will deny what I’ve shared. Many will equivocate. Many will protest that pornography is harmless except for a few weirdos and perverts. It just isn’t true. Pornography is lying to you. Make sure you learn the truth.
Please, pass these truths on to anyone you know struggling with pornography.