I’m in love with a man who lives in another country and I don’t know what to do


Hello, my problem is not as serious as other askers' problems. I don't live in this country, I'm not even religious, but it's been eating me alive little by little and I don't know where to turn to. I can't write them on blogs since friends would know. I can't write it down otherwise my family may find out. I just came across this site, and I have to ask:I met this guy on the Internet, on Yahoo Answers. We solved other people's questions and a few months later, we started getting familiar with each other. I started chatting with him out of curiosity because he liked opposing me. I just wanted to know what he was like. I never thought I would fall in love with him. We talked every day and half a year later, I found myself falling in love with him, incurably. It feels so different compared to my previous romance that I could not wait to see him. He's from a different country and worked at a university in another city in my country. A few months later he flew here to see me. We had a great time together even if it was only for two days. I gave my virginity to him that night. I don't know why, but I felt I had to make love to him; otherwise, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

I cried the day he left. He cried too because his work visa would expire by the end of that month. He was looking for jobs like crazy but didn't find anything suitable. The economy was in recession, and he had to go back to his country. He was jobless after he returned. Soon I lost my job too. We chatted MSN for as much as ten hours each day. Four months later he got a temporary job in a local supermarket. I hoped he would find a job, but on the other hand, I secretly didn't want him to work at all. If he was jobless, then I could see him every day.

But both of us knew that we need money; otherwise, we can never see each other again. His job is bad. I got a pretty good job a month after he started his new job. To tell the truth, I even wanted to support him, as long as I can be with him. All other males are invisible in my eyes since I've known him. I dated two other guys in the past few months and had no feelings at all, but I don't handle rejection well so I haven't told them that I'm not interested in them. The poor guys still think I have a thing for them. I log into the chat only because I want to see him. If he didn't show up on time, or I am on a business trip, I panic. I don't like I'm being controlled, but I am already. We planed to take a trip to Tibet in the next year, but what can I have after a few days of temporary pleasure? He can't live in my country for too long without getting a work visa. I have visa problems too since I'm a young single female.

Sometimes I really wish I didn't meet him. I should not have started chatting with him. Then the rest of the story would never happen and my life would be much simpler. So what should I do now? It's impossible for me to completely forget him. It's been two years, and, yes, I tried but failed. I can only keep a permanent place for him in the deepest place in my heart, till the day I die.


My biggest concern at the moment is that you are into him deeper than he is into you. I don't know if that is the case or not, but I have to consider the possibility when I hear just your side of the story. The next largest concern is that you might not really know him. Oh, you know the image he portrays for you across the Internet, but it is still possible that there are parts of his life that he hasn't revealed. It would be hard for you to catch those without seeing him face-to-face. The third concern is that he hasn't gotten a decent job in two years.

The latter bothers me because you two are planning on meeting at a vacation spot, so I'm wondering how he managed to save enough to get there but can't come to visit you directly. It is because I know so little about the situation that I'm left wondering about the honesty of this man. Perhaps my concerns are empty ones, but they need to be expressed.

The uncommitted sex was a mistake. I know you aren't a Christian, but there are good solid reasons why Christians are told to wait until marriage before having sex. See "Marriage's Glue" and "Why Sex Outside of Marriage is Wrong" for more details.

There is a simple, straight forward solution. Assuming that you are positive he is an honest, trustworthy fellow, then you two ought to get married. Most countries have provisions in their visa laws for a spouse to enter a country. It might take several months to complete all the paperwork, but it can be done. Since you've been willing to wait two years, a few more months will not matter.

If you don't know him enough to marry him, or he you, then neither of you had any business having sex and you certainly should not be meeting him elsewhere just for the entertainment. But if you are both certain that you want each other for life, then meet to get married first, then have your honeymoon in that vacation spot. And then start working on all the requirements in each of your respective countries for getting together as husband and wife. If fact, it would help if you talk to lawyers in each of your countries about what rules need to be met to make the process easier.

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