Any suggestions regarding dating?

Question:

Hello again!

Well, we have become more serious; not official "dating" boyfriend and girlfriend, or courting, or however you say it, but we are committed to each other. In the sense that we aren't going to date anyone else besides each other. We do hang out alone a lot; there are people in the house, but we are doing more of one on one, or we go to parks and it is all just me and her. Problem is there isn't a lot of people who like to do fun stuff. I am an outdoors person, even if it's raining and Washington is nothing but a rainy state. And most people, all Christian friends, are always saying let's watch a movie, let's sit inside the house, and, yeah, mostly television is all they talk about 70% of the time. She and I like the outdoors no matter what the weather, and love camping, hiking, the beach, and riding bikes. It's difficult at times to find stuff to do in groups when a lot of people are very disconnected and don't have the same interests.

But we are taking it slow. We are doing a Bible study together, and actually today we are meeting at the church to do the Bible study. We talk about God a lot and on related subjects. And probably will be going over other topics, such as baptism, predestination, free-will, forgiveness, repentance, and talking in tongues in time, but not all at once. I have a foundation in a lot of them, but she doesn't so she wants to go over them, and I need to still study always on them no matter how old I am, so it will be good.

Praying together, which I like a lot, is kind of new praying with a woman. I pray with mostly guys one on one.

We are waiting until June or July, when I have a truck (long story), to go out. In June or July, we will have been friends for 8 or 9 months, giving it time. We will see how we are with a lot of the hype of being new to each other and letting our hormones settle a little bit down. But if we do go out, our physical limit is just holding hands (no kissing, cuddling, etc.). It will be hard for me not to cuddle, but, hey, the woman is pure and holy and I shall respect that. Plus I understand her point of view, and she wants to keep everything for her husband -- even cuddling. I couldn't ask for someone so pure and innocent in my life. God has brought her into it, and I am more than humbled by it. We also have put it into accountability with my brother and his wife keeping us in check on things.

We are memorizing Scripture together. Uh what else? When I get a job again, which will be in the next two weeks, maximum (I have two jobs lined up. I am waiting to hear from one and if not that one then the second job I can get for sure.) Once that happens, I will have money and she and I will do more outreach stuff. We have a homeless shelter down here which is fun to do and talk to all the homeless. (I like homeless people. They are interesting people.) Besides that, I don't know of anything else we are doing.

Even though we are not dating, for Valentine's Day I went to her college and into her class pretending to be a delivery boy delivering flowers. a business card, and a sheet you sign once you get the flowers. Never seen someone turn so red for receiving flowers!

Sorry; I'm babbling. If you have any more advice it would be awesome to have! I always look for more insight on how to build a healthy, godly relationship.

Thanks again for all your help, and guidance. Be praying for you and the church you go to. Have a great day!

Answer:

First, let's admit a simple fact. When you are to the point that you are seeing someone exclusively, you are dating whether that word sticks in your throat or not. That you haven't decided whether this is the person you want to marry is fine, you are still in that phase of relation where you are learning more about each other. You're friends: she's a girl and you're a boy, so you are boyfriend and girlfriend. Go ahead and say it out loud. It will keep you focused in regards to where the two of you stand.

I am so glad you are conscious of the need to keep your relationship public. It is good that you are trying to include others when you two are together. But even when you can't get people you know to join you, you can do activities where there are plenty of other people around. I won't recommend hikes through the wilderness, but you can go for a picnic in a public park. Or ride bikes, but avoid lonely areas. Doing community services together is also a great idea. As an additional suggestion: Is there an old folk's home in your area? They too would enjoy the company and conversation of young people.

The limits you placed on yourself are reasonable, but I hope that you are not doing it solely for her sake. You too should admit that you are a healthy human with sexual desires. Cuddling is going to fan the flames of passion, which is not reasonable to have in this relationship -- especially at this point when you aren't even certain whether you want to call this young lady your girlfriend. However, I wouldn't recommend it later either because the strength of sexual desire is always surprisingly strong.

Being willing and able to study and pray together is an excellent indication, but I'm puzzled at the selection of topics. Not that they are bad topics, but are you indicating that you and she don't see eye-to-eye on matters in God's word? If my guess is true, then it is good that you are approaching this relationship slowly. Religion is too important for your long term happiness to ignore differences. If in your studies, you come to have similar views and convictions regarding God and His Word, wonderful! But don't compromise your covenant with God just because a girl you like disagrees with you.

There are other issues that you and she need to discuss. What are your ideas concerning the roles of husbands and wives in a marriage? What are your attitudes toward the permanence of marriage? What do you think about divorce? How are children to be raised? Should a wife work outside of the home? How many children would make a nice size family? These are just a few things you will need to know about her and she about you before you make the decision that you seriously want to consider marriage to each other.

There are some lessons on this site that I would like you to study, both on your own and with your girlfriend (see I can say it, and not even blush!):

These are not the full set of material, but they cover things you ought to know at this stage and the next stage of your relationship. They are things that I cover with couples as they begin thinking about marriage. They probably would be better if I studied them directly with you, but given the distance, they are the next best thing available that I have.

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