My wife has refused to have sex with me for years and I’m weakening
Question:
Hello,
I feel very ashamed to even write this, but I've been doing Google searches and scouring the Internet for answers. I would normally just ask a pastor from church, but I have a learning disorder or mental disability and everyone just writes me off as strange or stupid. Even pastors don't want to take the time to address my problem.
So I'll get to the point. I am in my thirties. I struggle with lust big time. I feel like I have a lustful thought every five minutes. Up until the age of thirty, I had managed to keep my virginity intact and not even touch another woman. Surprisingly, I've managed to avoid pornography, too. It's really crazy that my desires are overpoweringly strong, but I haven't fallen into the norm with a lot of men and their pornography addictions.
However, that said, I felt that I was getting weaker and weaker and I started desiring to give up. I felt so tired. I sought scripture and found verses that say it is better that I get married than to burn in my lust, so I got married. Now that I'm married, my wife confessed that she is attracted to women instead of men. She also was a very godly woman, but she is backsliding and no longer has an interest in spiritual matters. We haven't had sex in years. I don't know what to do.
I asked my pastor and he said the answer to not giving into sexual sin is to have sex with my wife, but my wife won't have sex with me. We had marriage counseling with my pastor, but she refuses to listen to him and she no longer likes our pastor and has been angry at him for some time now.
I asked other pastors, too. I was told by one that I should divorce her and marry someone else. Their reasons were:
- It's better to divorce and remarry so that I can have sex in a "marriage covenant" than to stay in my marriage where I don't get sex, then stumble and commit adultery by fornicating with another woman. They said that divorce is not condoned by God, but this is the "lesser" of the two evils.
- They said that if a woman will not sleep with her husband that most conservative churches would annul the marriage for lack of having "consummated the marriage". They said I essentially am married "on paper," but not in terms of it being consummated. However, I feel deeply distressed and torn about that advice.
As I search the Scriptures I find nothing that says divorce is allowed. I feel convicted that divorce is not allowed. So if I do what God wants, I have to stay with her and keep trying to resist temptation. However, if I stumble and have sex with another woman, that too is a grave sin. I feel like I'm stuck. It's a catch-22. If I divorce and remarry, I'm committing adultery. If I stay in the marriage and try to masturbate or look at porn, that's committing adultery. If I have a moment of weakness and do something with someone else, I'm committing adultery.
Sometimes I feel like God set sex and marriage up to be a trap. I pursued the godly thing. I tried to do what the Bible says. Yet, I'm in a situation where no matter what decision I make, I will be in sin. I don't want to sin against God.
I feel so ashamed that I'm struggling over this. I've talked it over with my wife many times. She told me to look at porn. She said that will take care of my problem. What do I do? I want to do the godly thing. I want to do the honorable thing. I want to please God. I want to be a godly man and have a strong walk with Jesus. But my desires are so strong and to go my entire life without having sex and just "burning in my lust" is risky and just asking for failure. I'm afraid that God will never forgive me and that I will go to Hell over this situation.
I appreciate your time, help, feedback, and consideration. God bless you richly!
Answer:
I hope you'll understand, but I find it annoying when someone is described as godly and then his disobedience to God is discussed. I'm sorry, but your wife is not a godly woman. She is breaking God's law regarding homosexuality by stating that she longs for that type of sex. "For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due" (Romans 1:26-27). She is also violating God's laws regarding marriage. "Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control" (I Corinthians 7:2-5). She advises her own husband to sin by lusting after porn. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). This is a woman deeply in sin. And worse, she portrays herself as a Christian. "There is a generation that is pure in its own eyes, yet is not washed from its filthiness" (Proverbs 30:12).
The problem though is that the only sin that allows the end of a marriage and the allowance to marry again is when your spouse commits sexual acts with another person. "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery" (Matthew 19:9). If she is having sex with another woman, then, yes, you can divorce her and you would be allowed to marry again. But if all she is saying is that she won't have sex with you, then that is not a reason to end the marriage.
It is sad because her sins are impacting your life, and you want to live righteously before God. The fact that your wife refuses to have sex with you doesn't mean you have a right to divorce her and marry someone else. Nor can you claim that your marriage can be annulled (a concept not found in the Scriptures) because your wife currently doesn't want to have sex with you. Even by their man-made rules, you have had sex with your wife, so it was consummated.
The one point you mistake is equating masturbation and looking at pornography. Yes, men who look at pornography do masturbate, but not everyone who masturbates looks at pornography. See: Is masturbation unacceptable? and Is masturbation sinful or not? Basically, you have to go back to how you managed your life in your teenage years and in your twenties before you got married. It isn't pleasant and it isn't what God wants for a married man, but the problem is that you ended up with a woman who refuses to live by God's laws, so you'll have to make do.
Response:
Thank you so much for your time. I appreciate that you took the time to respond to my concern. I wanted to get a second opinion. My pastor is very conservative and he is against divorce, but he has tried to talk me into getting a divorce because he thinks it's the lesser of two sins. He says it's better to divorce and remarry than to stay married and then commit adultery with another woman.
I feel lost and frustrated that God would desire for me to be in a situation where no matter what choice I make, it's wrong. I'm having a very hard time with being married for so many years and never having any kind of release.
Anyway, thank you again for your feedback. I took it seriously and will be praying and seeking God on this more. God bless!
