Is my fiance’s behavior a red flag?
Question:
Hello,
I have a question. I found out my “fiancé” was texting another woman behind my back, in secret. He claims they are only friends and have been talking for two months. He says they haven’t seen each other the two times she visited his workplace for help, which is where he met her.
When I found out, he immediately told her that they couldn’t talk anymore and then blocked her. She called him right after that, but he ended the call within a minute and told her they couldn’t talk anymore.
I’m not sure if he is being honest about who she is to him because the message was on “disappearing text mode” which means it automatically deletes in 24 hours and you can’t get any of the messages back. He says she put that setting on the texts because she has an abusive husband who sometimes snatches her phone. He claims that they were just friends and would text. They also spoke on the phone.
I ended up breaking up with him because I see this as cheating or being unfaithful, and I can’t trust him any longer. I told him this situation would be better if he had told me about her and had the conversation there without it being hidden.
He is begging me to not leave and says this mistake will never happen again. Also, the woman he was talking to is 20 years older than him, a pastor who is married, and has a church. The messages that I saw were “Are you still sleeping?”, “Where are you?”, and “Are you on a date with the other one?” He says that was an inside joke or she was being funny. I told him that was disrespectful.
Anyhow, my questions are:
- How do I forgive him for this?
- How do I not hold onto feelings of bitterness? Part of me wants to contact the husband and church, but I know that it isn’t the best thing to do as the issue should be with my ex-fiancé.
- Would you say this is a huge red flag, and he probably won’t change? (In the past, he has hidden things from me. During his undergrad, he had a social media account that I did not know of.
I’m almost certain that I won’t be able to marry him due to feelings of betrayal, but a part of me wants to forgive and try again, which is why I am asking these questions.
Thank you!
Answer:
Yes, his behavior is a strong sign that he is involved with another woman. It may not be absolute proof, but it is something that should not be ignored. The messages are inappropriate at best and since they are coming from a married woman, he should have broken off all connection with her at the start. His attempts to pass the messages off as jokes say he is naive or he is hiding bad behavior. I'm also puzzled how the woman called him after he blocked her.
Forgiveness comes when a person shows that he has changed. "Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him" (Luke 17:3). Since he claims to have changed, you must not hold this against him, but since there is a pattern of misbehavior, you should stick with ending the relationship. Wish him the best and pray that he finds a good woman to marry, but let him know that it won't be you.
One point I would like you to consider: If you have to constantly check on a person by reading his emails, texts, and chats, then it already indicates that you don't trust the man. That is not the basis of a good marital relationship.
Response:
Thank you for your reply. I truly appreciate it.
About the blocking thing: they would communicate by text. He texted her that he could no longer speak to her anymore and blocked her on the text app. She then called him on a regular phone call after that.
Thanks again for the response!
