I’m perplexed. We agreed not to have sex before marriage, but he keeps pushing
Question:
Good evening,
I first would like to say 'thank you' and God bless you for all the questions you have been answering. I have been on your websites and reading many of the answers, and all of them are answered using the Bible. Thank you for being truthful, blunt, and just outright saying what the Bible says! I was on the Internet trying to know what is God's thoughts on couples expressing love. Meaning: what are things couples in a love relationship (courting) could or shouldn't do?
I am 29 years old, I am a virgin and I am in a relationship. We both agree that sex before marriage is forbidden before the Lord (although he says things like, "If the two really love each other, and they are going to marry, then if it happens, although it's bad, it is OK;" which I think is wrong). However, he somehow thinks that as long as sex does not happen, we can have "fun." I always argue that it is not so because one thing can lead to another, and another and eventually you will engage in the act. Therefore, we agreed (I basically set the rule) on no kissing or excessive touching (breast, private area, etc.) should take place. But each time we meet he says things like, "Then how do we express our love to each other? I am not your brother, I am your lover. There should be something that should tie us together." The defense I use is that 'kissing and touching can ultimately lead us into temptation.' When we kiss, he tries to push for more. I also told him, 'God forbids premarital sex', and that 'kissing and his touching makes me feel uncomfortable, guilty, etc.' I ask him to stop or push him away when he tries to kiss me. I ask him often, 'Can't you hold off or control yourself?" He often explains how men are different from women.
I just don't understand how he can think this way. Yes, we are sexual beings and God made us that way, but we must be in control and should not set ourselves up for temptation. He is spiritually higher than me. We both have similar callings in our lives. He is a prophet, has words of knowledge, and he knows the Word, so I just don't understand why he tries to push it. I believe that meeting up and having lunch and holding hands is enough, but he doesn't think that way. However, on the other hand, what other ways could pre-courting couples show love and care to one another? He has invited me to come and see where he lives, but I refuse because I do not want to cause any problems. Is there a way courting people can keep clean and be in love? Aside from the worldly touching and kissing, what other ways can I let him know that I love and cherish him?
Please forgive me for my long email. I'm just really perplexed about what to do. Can I make a meal for him? Each time we meet we have lunch and talk in a car. Is that what we should do until we get married? I often do wonder what other couples do. For those I have asked, I feel like they are telling the truth.
Any advice would really help.
Answer:
"But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will also be false teachers among you, who will secretly introduce destructive heresies, even denying the Master who bought them, bringing swift destruction upon themselves. Many will follow their sensuality, and because of them the way of the truth will be maligned; and in their greed they will exploit you with false words; their judgment from long ago is not idle, and their destruction is not asleep. ... the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from temptation, and to keep the unrighteous under punishment for the day of judgment, and especially those who indulge the flesh in its corrupt desires and despise authority. Daring, self-willed, they do not tremble when they revile angelic majesties, whereas angels who are greater in might and power do not bring a reviling judgment against them before the Lord. But these, like unreasoning animals, born as creatures of instinct to be captured and killed, reviling where they have no knowledge, will in the destruction of those creatures also be destroyed, suffering wrong as the wages of doing wrong. They count it a pleasure to revel in the daytime. They are stains and blemishes, reveling in their deceptions, as they carouse with you, having eyes full of adultery that never cease from sin, enticing unstable souls, having a heart trained in greed, accursed children; forsaking the right way, they have gone astray, having followed the way of Balaam, the son of Beor, who loved the wages of unrighteousness; but he received a rebuke for his own transgression, for a mute donkey, speaking with a voice of a man, restrained the madness of the prophet. These are springs without water and mists driven by a storm, for whom the black darkness has been reserved. For speaking out arrogant words of vanity they entice by fleshly desires, by sensuality, those who barely escape from the ones who live in error, promising them freedom while they themselves are slaves of corruption; for by what a man is overcome, by this he is enslaved. For if, after they have escaped the defilements of the world by the knowledge of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and are overcome, the last state has become worse for them than the first" (II Peter 2:1-3,9-20).
A claim to be a prophet doesn't make a person a true prophet. I would argue that this man is not a prophet just from his statements that are contrary to the teachings of God. See: Prophets Today? Think Again!
In answer to your question: you show love by the way you treat and talk to another person. "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails" (I Corinthians 13:4-8). But what you tell me is that your boyfriend:
- He is impatient. He wants sex and sexual play without waiting for a commitment in marriage.
- He acts unbecomingly by pushing you toward sin.
- He rejoices in unrighteousness. Each compromise that he gets you to make just leads him to push further.
In fact, take a look at Love is Different. Honestly look at his words and actions and note which column describes him best. Both his words and his actions clearly state that he wants to have sex without being married. He stated that he is fine with it happening and his actions show that he is pushing for this "accident" to happen. Because of this, he is dangerous to be alone with. Sex is not an expression of love when the other person is using sex for his own gratification and not thinking about God or what is best for his partner, physically and spiritually. It is he who is confused, thinking that a physical act that violates God's commands somehow "proves" he is in love.
Response:
Good evening,
I really appreciate the answer. I have read and compared his words and actions to what love really means. I have collected much of the information regarding lust, touching, and the "Love is Different" post on your website and I have asked him to review it. I will be discussing these with him and will determine the outcome of the relationship. I somehow think it would take a long time to change his mind unless he truly agreed or understood the issue.
I certainly do not mind if this relationship does not continue (if he seems not to be on board etc.) because I strongly believe that being in God's will and in His purpose is the first priority. I would pray for the courage and strength to end it if I think it is necessary.
Please continue to help the body of Christ through your website. May God bless you!
