Why do I feel used by the guys I had sex with?
Question:
Hello.
I am glad I found this web site. Now I know that prayer is the answer to this question, and I have already prayed many times, but I need to post this.
I am in my late twenties. I was a virgin until three years ago. I had never even kissed a boy, let alone had a boyfriend. I moved abroad for work purposes, and foolishly I lost my virginity to a man, who clearly did not love me and I did not love him. But after being a virgin for so long, stupidity took over, and we had sex. I had sex with him many times, so there was really no excuse. Eventually, after half a year of off-and-on foolish relations, I decided, as he moved away, that we would never see each other again. We have not, and I intend to keep it that way.
About a month or so later, I became quite close to a male, who was a friend, but it was quite clear he was sexually attracted to me. We would hang out a lot, then one night after dinner, he kissed me in the car, and we continued kissing until he started touching me where he should not. One thing led to another and we had sex a few times. We continued for a couple of weeks having sex and hanging out, but he always said from day one that he did not want a girlfriend, but I was not hearing that. Every time we had sex, I was falling for him. I returned to my country for the summer and went back that fall. I met him again once, and he came by, and although he was trying not to get close to me, I hugged him, then I kissed him, and then we started acting foolish, but never had sex.
At this point, I got angry. I wanted to know why he did not want to see me, why he did not want me as a girlfriend, but he was happy to have sex. I sent him two angry emails, He replied after a while and said he did not want to speak to me for some months. I was devastated, but we did not see each other for months.
Last year I bumped into him, and I was so cold with him because I was hurt. After some weeks, I was at a place where I should not have been: it was an outdoor bar and I bumped into him. I apologized to him, he apologized, we hugged and kissed, and he said he would love to go back to my house. It was clear he still wanted to have sex, and so did I, even though as a born-again Christian I knew it was wrong. A week after this, we started to have sex again regularly. But it was the same thing, he would say he did not want a girlfriend, he wanted to move away, girls were not on his agenda, it was just sex, but it was too late. I was in love by then. I left again in the summer and I returned briefly a month later to get the last of my things. During that time he had met another girl, and now they are in a relationship. The problem I have is that I feel so used. I was good enough for sex, but not to be his girlfriend. He said we were too different, which is true, but why did he use me?
I said all this to him. He always says he thinks I am beautiful and have a beautiful body, but we could never have a relationship because we are too different. He also believed I was having sex with another man, which I was not. Another man was interested in me in that way, but because of the way I felt about this man, I refused to even have sex with another man. I could not.
I know you must read this and wonder how I can be a Christian. I have made such terrible mistakes. I have had sex outside of marriage with three different men, mainly out of loneliness. The first one was a mistake, the second time was with the man I am in love with, and God knows why I had sex with a third man in between the time this man was not speaking to me.
I have repented, I cried, I know what evil I have done. But how can I ever remove this man from my heart? I believe he fell in love with me too, but he knew I would return to my country so I believe he refused to admit it. I know we are not meant to be, but I can't accept it. Why? Why is this?
I have done evil against my Father. I need to know what is going to happen with this guy, and where I should go from here. I emailed him to say I never want to speak to him again, then I felt guilty. He emails ever so often, but whenever I read an email from him and see his girlfriend's photo on Facebook, I feel sick, hurt, and angry.
I want to remove the hate I have for her, even though it is not her fault and the anger I have for him for saying he did not want a girlfriend, yet he has one now, and it was less than a month after I left for good. I feel so betrayed.
I often have felt suicidal, probably because of guilt, and I ask God to make me forget, but I know this is not the right thing to ask for. Will I ever get over him? Or is it just the overwhelming sense of guilt I have?
I failed an important test, I should never have kissed him that night and had sex with him so many times, but there was obviously a strong sexual attraction between us because he is not my type of man. He is not the type of man I am attracted to.
I just feel so hurt and let down. He clearly used me for his own lustful purposes, and I let him. I knew that he never wanted a relationship, but now I wonder if there is something wrong with me is why he did not want a relationship. We are from two different countries. He always said we were so different, which is true.
Thank you.
Answer:
There isn't anything wrong with you, other than sinful behavior. You are seeing the world around you in a typical female fashion -- not that this is wrong or a bad thing, but you need to understand your own biases.
It appears to me that you never really made a strong choice to remain a virgin until marriage. You lasted as long as you did more from a lack of opportunity. But in your travels, you got lonely and lowered your standards. Now you are wondering why you got lower quality men.
Every one of the men you had sex with made it clear that they weren't committed to you. While sinful in their sexual practices, they did appear to be honest about what they wanted and why. One problem lies in the difference between how men and women view the act of sex. Men are driven by a strong urge to have sex, but it is something done. There is a strong physical need to ejaculate. They don't have to be attached to the person they have sex with. Women's sexual response is emotionally based. It is their feeling of being loved and loving someone else that is at the core of their arousal. You can see this clearly when you said, "He always said from day one that he did not want a girlfriend, but I was not hearing that. Every time we had sex, I was falling for him." Again, with the third man who clearly stated that he was only interested in the sex, you said, "I believe he fell in love with me too. ... I believe he refused to admit it. I know we are not meant to be, but I can't accept it." That is what you keep telling yourself, but you are lying to yourself.
One of the other differences between men in women is that men are action-based, while women tend to be verbally based. The result is that men generally say what they mean (assuming they are not lying). They don't do subtle hints well. Women tend to hold layers of communication. Sure, there are the words being used, but there are hidden meanings, innuendo, and cross purposes going on at the same time. It works well between two women, but when women apply it to men, they tend to see far more than is actually being said. They are too used to people not saying "precisely" what they mean and tend to assume hidden meaning -- always in the direction they hope it is going.
So, yes, you were used for sex. You were told you were being used for sex. But you made the mistake of assuming that because you found yourself getting emotionally tied to these men that it was being reciprocated. I think what is saddest is that in all three cases you admit that you weren't interested in any of the men as companions. You were lonely. You foolishly thought that having a naked man in your bed would cure the loneliness. It gave you something to do, but you didn't find friendship. But that is because sex isn't companionship -- despite what is shown in the movies or written in romance novels. All you ended up with was further loneliness with a big scoop of guilt on top.
I'm not going to tell you to forget these men or what you did. The past and your memories cannot be erased. Instead, you need to learn that what God said was true. Sex belongs only in marriage. Until a man commits the rest of his life to you, he doesn't deserve your body. Until you have a committed man, you don't want to get wrapped up emotionally through sex with a guy. When you lower your standards, you only get low-quality guys, so stop trying to make these low-quality guys into something they aren't. You want a man who loves you, and sex isn't love. Read I Corinthians 13:4-8 again. You won't find anything sexy mention in the characteristics of love.
Repent by not repeating past mistakes. Approach God for forgiveness because you've learned your lessons through the hard knocks. Find a guy who loves you, not your sexual abilities. Then the past won't matter anymore because you changed.
Question:
Sir, thank you and God bless you for your reply. I totally agree with all you said, and I know of course what I did was stupid and the pain I am suffering was brought on by myself. The problem really is that the second man, whom I believed I was in love with, is now in a relationship even though he said to me he did not want a girlfriend.
I feel guilty because I have thought evil against her, and I have this jealously toward her because he chose her over me. But I know I should not care. If anything, I truly believe it was God who closed the door on this foolish liaison I had with this man, by allowing him to be in a relationship with someone else, or else I would perhaps still be in contact with him to this day.
I have gone past the stage of hate for him and toward her, even though she is the innocent party, but I also feel that if he was like this with me, isn't he going to do the same thing to her? How awful of me to want that, deep down. I would rather hear they have broken up, but that is so wrong. I pray for him every day, that God would let him believe in Him. I have been praying that he will love God. Not me, but love God and become a believer. I know I have done wrong, so I can't just cast him aside. I gave him what he wanted, not what he needed which is Jesus Christ.
God bless you and thank you again.
Answer:
It sounds as if a part of you hopes he will break up so that he will be available to you again. That isn't right. It isn't right that he is committing fornication with this other girl. I hope they will see the foolishness of it and either marry or stop the fornication.
You tried to make a man love you through sex. I think you are beginning to see that it doesn't work. Sex to a man is something he does. He doesn't have to care about who he is having sex with to find pleasure in it, though caring does make it better. Women are the opposite, they need to care about who they have sex with in order for it to be enjoyable. The mistake you made was to assign your viewpoint to the men you were with.
Not only does sex not purchase love, but sex also hinders love from developing. None of these men had any motivation to know you better and fall in love with you. They wanted sex, you gave it to them, and that was good enough for each one of them.
So quit trying to patch up a foolish relationship from the past. You've learned your lessons, and I hope will behave properly in the future. If a man wants you, then the price is his love and his commitment to you in marriage. Only then does he get the prize, which is you.
Response:
Thank you sir for your much-needed words of truth. I will close the door on this relationship. I kept the door ajar for too long, and the fact he has a new girlfriend is enough prompting to tell me it really is over.
Thank you and God bless.
