When my fiance broke up with me, I slept with another woman. Now they are both mad at me. What do I do?
Question:
Hi Jeffrey,
I have a child, under the age of five. The child's mother is my fiance. She's currently pregnant and expecting my second child. I truly love her with all my heart but things have turned out the worst for me. We have been engaged since last year, and we've finalized our wedding date which would have been later this year, but it is now called off. I need your help, please, minister.
We've paid for the majority of things, like the wedding venue, the rings, her wedding dress, etc. However, our engagement has been quite rocky. Last spring we decided we were not going to get married and moved on with our lives because we were faced with many challenges that we couldn't overcome. It seemed we just made each other unhappy.
This time was difficult for me because I had to move on, even though I knew I wanted to be with her. She is still the love of my life. I've known her for nearly ten years, and she means the world to me.
Anyway, during our separation, I met another girl. She was more of a rebound to get me over the pain of losing my love. She and I eventually ended up sleeping together. It's been a while since I last saw her.
Eventually, my fiance and I came to our senses, reconciled, and got back together. We decided the wedding was still going to happen because keeping our family together is very important. It just doesn't feel right to be with other people, so I left the other girl and started to focus on my fiance and committed all of myself to her.
Recently I was admitted into the hospital for some infection in my bladder and appendix area. While I was in the hospital, the other girl texted my fiance to tell her not to marry me as she is carrying my third child, that I don't deserve my fiance, and that I'm a pig and a manipulator. Obviously, this made my fiance upset, and she is terribly hurt. She has been crying. I can understand how hurt she is, but I never wanted this, so I'm stuck in a bit of a mess.
She is claiming it's my child but I'm very doubtful about it. We can go for blood tests to confirm if I'm the father or not, but that's only once the child is born, so in the meantime, the wedding is off and my fiance wants nothing to do with me.
I never planned on hurting her. I lay here every night with tears in my eyes because I've always loved her, but now she won't even speak to me. I'm still deeply in love with her. I know I want to be with her, but she thinks I wanted this to happen.
The way the other girl went about texting my fiance was very malicious as if she knew what she was doing and as if she wanted to ruin my life. I don't know what to do because now my fiance is saying I don't deserve to be a father and that I won't see my second child she is carrying. She says that as soon as the baby is born, she is going to take the children far, far away.
I don't know what to do. Please help! I'm hurting so bad.
Answer:
When a person ignores the teachings of Christ, it usually results in problems and sometimes those problems are not easily corrected.
You have been violating the law that states you should not have sex outside of marriage. "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4). The result of your fornication has created unnecessary difficulties in your life. You have been living a life that is a pretense of marriage but without commitment. I know there is intent, but there has never been a true commitment of wedding vows. But each of you is expecting everyone to live as if a commitment is in place and then are upset that it falls apart.
In a real marriage, one where both the husband and wife are committed to each other for a lifetime, there will be rocky times, but both work at overcoming the difficulties and thereby grow stronger in their love for each other. In fornication, it is easier to just leave and find a new bed partner than to put the effort into fixing problems.
While you state that you did not intend to hurt your fiance, the simple fact is that you did nothing to avoid it. It is true that a girl who sleeps with a man she isn't married to should not be surprised that when she breaks up with him that he will eventually sleep with another girl. But the whole situation is wrong in the first place. My guess is that if your fiance had not offered to restore the relationship, you would have been thrilled that the second girl was carrying your child.
I suspect the second girl is hoping that if your current affair breaks that you will return to her. Another possibility is that she is hoping to get revenge against you for leaving her.
My advice is to start fresh. Clean up your relationship with God by becoming a Christian in truth. (See: How to Become a Christian). Next, tell your fiance that you sinned both with her and this other girl and that you are going to change. Tell her that you will support your children because it is your responsibility. Whether she whats to marry you is her choice, but until you are married, you are going to stop having sex. Perhaps she will be impressed by your willingness to accept responsibility and to change your life -- that is something I can't predict. But, however it plays out, molding your life around Christ will keep you out of future trouble.
