We’re thinking about getting married, so how do I get him to be honest with himself?

Answer:

I'm going to be very frank with you, which after my last note should not be surprising to you. I had assumed that the boy was about the same age as you and that the event was relatively recent. I realize now that you didn't mention his age. Because guys do not develop the ability to have intercourse with ejaculations until roughly the time of their growth spurt, and the average age for a growth spurt is 13.5 years, then I'm led to the conclusion that your friend must be about 17 or even older.

First, let's tackle the virgin question. As I mentioned before, your friend is not a virgin because he had a sexual experience with a girl. That memory cannot be erased. Yet, it does not truly make a difference. It is not what a person was, but what a person is. "But if a wicked man turns from all his sins which he has committed, keeps all My statutes, and does what is lawful and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die. None of the transgressions which he has committed shall be remembered against him; because of the righteousness which he has done, he shall live" (Ezekiel 18:21-22). The question you need to keep in the back of your mind for the next several years is, "Did he really change or is it just words?" It is easy to say you know you did something wrong, it is much harder to change your behavior. You need to be brutally honest with yourself about this and not be inclined to make excuses for him. You are dreaming of marrying him, so what is riding on this evaluation is your future happiness.

• Does he treat you with respect?
• Does he keep his hands off your person?
• Is he concerned about protecting your honor?
• Does he avoid potentially compromising situations?
• Is he pushing limits because "we're going to get married anyway"?
• Is he pursuing other girls?

You're only 14. There is no rush for a decision at this time. In most states, you can't get married until you're 16, in a number of states it is not until you're 18, and if you were in my state of Nebraska, you couldn't get married until you are 19, at least not without your parents' permission. I strongly advise people not to even consider marriage until both are at least through high school and if a higher degree is sought, to wait until that degree is finished. Trying to finish a degree while supporting a family is murder. There are too many distractions and too many issues involved.

Let's just assume that you decide you would like to have a bit of a nursing background -- just in case, after you are married, an emergency arises and you need a way to bring in some income. So you decide for a minimum degree of an LPN, which requires two years of course work. This means you won't be ready for marriage until you're 19 or 20. That's five to six years from now. To someone who has only lived 14 years so far, it seems like forever. However, try to see it from the perspective of living 90 years and it is not nearly so bad. Therefore, you need to approach your relationship with this boy that you will be dating him for five or more years before marriage needs to be decided.

The reason I'm pointing all this out in detail is that you are rushing things. You're only 14, but you are already trying to decide at this moment whether you want to marry this particular boy. As a girl, you're not even fully mature yet. Most girls don't finish physical maturation until age 16 or thereabout, and mental maturity doesn't really come close until at least 18 -- though I know a lot of people who would argue that it doesn't come for girls until after their early 20's.

Think for a moment about all the foods you enjoy. Are there things that you eat now that you wouldn't touch five years ago? Do you think there will be similar changes in the future as you get older? It is possible in the next several years that your tastes will expand and become more sophisticated.

The same thing will happen in your relationships with other people -- not just this boy, but with everyone around you. I cannot predict how those tastes in relationships will change, but the point is, neither can you. This is one reason that teenage romances are notoriously short-lived. Teenagers are still trying to figure out what is important to them in a relationship and as they learn and grow, the relationships change as rapidly as their bodies and minds change.

So what I'm saying is that you need to approach this relationship as a long term (five years) project, at which at the end you are going to make some very serious decisions. In that time you might come to find out that this boy is exactly what you thought he was and he is exactly what you want in a husband. Or, you might find that the two of you have drifted apart as you both grew up. If you are a good match, in five years you won't care that he made a major mistake eight years earlier because you will know that he had gotten beyond it. Or, in those five years, you will see all sorts of troubling indications that he continues to fool around with sex and that sex is all that is on his mind. In the latter case, the relationship won't last, but it would be best to have learned that before a decision to marry and not after you had been married.

One final suggestion for the moment. If the fact that he was intimate with a girl in the past is a deal-breaker for you, don't give him hope that you might marry him. Be honest with yourself and him. If it is something that you know ultimately won't bother you once you see that he has changed, then recall the words of Paul regarding the nature of true love: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" (I Corinthians 13:4-8).