We’re thinking about getting married, so how do I get him to be honest with himself?



I want to thank you so much for the information because it helped me out a lot.

I have one problem: telling him that he is not a virgin. Every time I try to tell him it bothers him to talk about it because he knew it was wrong and stuff. I know that we are very young, but we hope to get married one day. I want to marry someone that has had nothing to do with sexual intercourse like myself. He knows that it hurts me when we talk about it because he thinks that if he realizes and says that he is not a virgin then I wouldn't want to marry him. We both love each other very much. So I wouldn't know how to make him believe that he is not a virgin. I am trying not to let it bother me, but it has been on my mind lately. I try not to get upset about it because it was three years ago and I know he can't change the past. So I really need help dealing with this.


I'm going to be very frank with you, which after my last note should not be surprising to you. I had assumed that the boy was about the same age as you and that the event was relatively recent. I realize now that you didn't mention his age. Because guys do not develop the ability to have intercourse with ejaculations until roughly the time of their growth spurt, and the average age for a growth spurt is 13.5 years, then I'm led to the conclusion that your friend must be about 17 or even older.

First, let's tackle the virgin question. As I mentioned before, your friend is not a virgin because he had a sexual experience with a girl. That memory cannot be erased. Yet, it does not truly make a difference. It is not what a person was, but what a person is. "But if a wicked man turns from all his sins which he has committed, keeps all My statutes, and does what is lawful and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die. None of the transgressions which he has committed shall be remembered against him; because of the righteousness which he has done, he shall live" (Ezekiel 18:21-22). The question you need to keep in the back of your mind for the next several years is, "Did he really change or is it just words?" It is easy to say you know you did something wrong, it is much harder to change your behavior. You need to be brutally honest with yourself about this and not be inclined to make excuses for him. You are dreaming of marrying him, so what is riding on this evaluation is your future happiness.

  • Does he treat you with respect?
  • Does he keep his hands off your person?
  • Is he concerned about protecting your honor?
  • Does he avoid potentially compromising situations?
  • Is he pushing limits because "we're going to get married anyway"?
  • Is he pursuing other girls?

You're only 14. There is no rush for a decision at this time. In most states, you can't get married until you're 16, in a number of states it is not until you're 18, and if you were in my state of Nebraska, you couldn't get married until you are 19, at least not without your parents' permission. I strongly advise people not to even consider marriage until both are at least through high school and if a higher degree is sought, to wait until that degree is finished. Trying to finish a degree while supporting a family is murder. There are too many distractions and too many issues involved.

Let's just assume that you decide you would like to have a bit of a nursing background -- just in case, after you are married, an emergency arises and you need a way to bring in some income. So you decide for a minimum degree of an LPN, which requires two years of course work. This means you won't be ready for marriage until you're 19 or 20. That's five to six years from now. To someone who has only lived 14 years so far, it seems like forever. However, try to see it from the perspective of living 90 years and it is not nearly so bad. Therefore, you need to approach your relationship with this boy that you will be dating him for five or more years before marriage needs to be decided.

The reason I'm pointing all this out in detail is that you are rushing things. You're only 14, but you are already trying to decide at this moment whether you want to marry this particular boy. As a girl, you're not even fully mature yet. Most girls don't finish physical maturation until age 16 or thereabout, and mental maturity doesn't really come close until at least 18 -- though I know a lot of people who would argue that it doesn't come for girls until after their early 20's.

Think for a moment about all the foods you enjoy. Are there things that you eat now that you wouldn't touch five years ago? Do you think there will be similar changes in the future as you get older? It is possible in the next several years that your tastes will expand and become more sophisticated.

The same thing will happen in your relationships with other people -- not just this boy, but with everyone around you. I cannot predict how those tastes in relationships will change, but the point is, neither can you. This is one reason that teenage romances are notoriously short-lived. Teenagers are still trying to figure out what is important to them in a relationship and as they learn and grow, the relationships change as rapidly as their bodies and minds change.

So what I'm saying is that you need to approach this relationship as a long term (five years) project, at which at the end you are going to make some very serious decisions. In that time you might come to find out that this boy is exactly what you thought he was and he is exactly what you want in a husband. Or, you might find that the two of you have drifted apart as you both grew up. If you are a good match, in five years you won't care that he made a major mistake eight years earlier because you will know that he had gotten beyond it. Or, in those five years, you will see all sorts of troubling indications that he continues to fool around with sex and that sex is all that is on his mind. In the latter case, the relationship won't last, but it would be best to have learned that before a decision to marry and not after you had been married.

One final suggestion for the moment. If the fact that he was intimate with a girl in the past is a deal-breaker for you, don't give him hope that you might marry him. Be honest with yourself and him. If it is something that you know ultimately won't bother you once you see that he has changed, then recall the words of Paul regarding the nature of true love: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" (I Corinthians 13:4-8).


Thanks. He is 15 years old. I apologize for not mentioning that.

Since I have known him, he has changed from flirting with girls, and he is very truthful. The way he acts now he has never acted before. I know we are young, but he changed his life around for me. I know that he has had ejaculations before. He respects me in every way, and never pressures me to have sex or touch my places. So I can wait for five years. I am a very mature and well-developed girl. I just don't want to marry him and end up being hurt or something.

  • Does he treat you with respect?
  • Does he keep his hands off your person? Yes
  • Is he concerned about protecting your honor? No, he's not concerned because he knows what is right.
  • Does he avoid potentially compromising situations? No, when he makes promises he fulfills them.
  • Is he pushing limits because "we're going to get married anyway"? No.
  • Is he pursuing other girls? Kind of, but nowhere near like before. He hugs them, but I don't think that is right because I don't do anything with other boys. I really don't know if he is telling the truth.


I'm glad you're willing to wait because little things tell me you and he aren't nearly ready yet. For instance, you aren't fully sure if you trust him. At the beginning of your note, you tell me that he is truthful and that he has changed from flirting with girls, but at the end, you say you aren't certain if he is telling the truth and he is kind-of pursuing girls. Though talking about other things, I believe Paul's warning applies, "Do you have faith? Have it to yourself before God. Happy is he who does not condemn himself in what he approves. But he who doubts is condemned if he eats, because he does not eat from faith; for whatever is not from faith is sin" (Romans 14:22-23). You have doubts, so now is not the time to make life committing choices. five years is plenty of time to think about your choices. Plan on making your choice in five years and not now.

You stated that he has made some significant improvements, and that is wonderful. Continue to encourage him to live faithfully before God. In the upcoming years, you will see if it is for real or only to impress you. "You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them" (Matthew 7:16-20). You cannot read his mind, but you can see his actions. In the upcoming years see if his actions match his words. You and I will both hope that they do, but steel yourself for the possibility that you might have to make a hard choice if he shows himself to be putting on an act.

I didn't explain my questions well and you misunderstood two points. By protecting your honor and avoiding compromising situations, what I mean is that he goes out of his way to make sure that he doesn't do anything improper and he makes sure no one would think anything improper is going on. For example, he should see you when others, especially adults, are around. He shouldn't be dropping by when no one else is in the house and won't be for a long while; not because he is planning to do something, but to make sure the opportunities for temptations are kept to a minimum. That is what Paul meant by "Test all things; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil" (I Thessalonians 5:21-22). His motivation should be because he wants to keep your reputation pure.

Paul once had to see that large sums of money had to be carried to needy brethren. While he was perfectly trustworthy, he insisted that the brethren pick another person to join him and carry the money. Why? "Avoiding this: that anyone should blame us in this lavish gift which is administered by us-- providing honorable things, not only in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of men" (II Corinthians 8:20-21).

Years ago, the natural thing to do when a boy and girl liked each other was for the girl to keep a companion with her while the boy was visiting. She might find things to occupy her time, but she kept the boy and girl in her eyesight. Knowing that someone was watching kept a lid on inappropriate behavior. Thus they were pure in the sight of God and in the sight of man. It may not always be practical, but it is definitely something worth considering.

You see, as the years progress, you and he are going to get more and more comfortable in each other's presence. It is wonderful that the awkwardness fades, but it also means that barriers to temptations will also fade. It is best to add some measure of safety to the situation so nothing spurred by the emotions of the moment happens.


I'm glad too. I appreciate you answering my questions. That is exactly what I mean about him being truthful and what not. I will gain trust only through his actions because you can talk words and not always live them. We do talk in front of adults and associate a lot. Our parents know that we are close but not as close as we are. By that I mean they don't know that he tells me everything (as far as I know). Yes, he does go out of the way sometimes because some things that we act, play, and talk about with our friends we don't do around adults. We really don't want anyone accusing us of having sex or anything. He does not visit my house because I don't ever want a desire for sex to come upon me and end up doing the wrong thing. We respect each other for that. He has a car and we know where each other lives, but we don't want to visit unless our parents are home. I have 5 years to see what God wants me to have for my life and just what I want. I hope that he is involved in God's plan; if not, it is something that I will personally have to cope with.


Good attitude! Keep that head on your shoulders and you will serve God well in life.


Thank you! I appreciate you taking your time in responding back to me. I will take your advice and wait for five years because I have plenty of time to decide what I would like to do. I appreciate you so much. I don't think that I want to bring up to him about not being a virgin anymore because it just brings pain for a reason that I can't help. I can't change the past so I should just make my future the best in my walk with God and don't make those same mistakes.


Print Friendly, PDF & Email