Should we break up because of our lack of self-control?
Question:
Hi,
I'm 25 years old. I have a boyfriend who is a Christian too. We have been together for less than 9 months. We set boundaries. and we know that we should abstain from sex before marriage.
At first, it was okay. There are no kissing or hugs. We just held hands. After a few months, we hugged only on special occasions but still no kissing. Sometimes when we were together, we would cuddle but not in a sexual way because we knew our boundaries. However, one day my sister was outside and we were alone. All of a sudden we kissed but we did not go all the way down because we knew it was a sin. We both felt ashamed and guilty about what we did. Even though we didn't go all the way, we know deep in our hearts that we sinned against God, so we repented and cried God for help. We felt guilty and ashamed because we knew what is needed to be done, but we step off in the line because of our lack of self-discpline.
My question is: Should we break up because of what we did or can it be fixed by being a Christian couple again that has a strict discipline? I love him and we know that we're both ready to get married when God impresses our hearts to get married. We just don't want to get married because of our emotional feelings. We would like to get married but only if God says that we're for each other. Also, only after we have stable finances since we're still young adults.
Please help us. God bless to your website!
Answer:
I'm not certain what actually happened since you got vague about what you did wrong. But in regards to your question, why do you think you have to have a flawless relationship? You believe you sinned, such happens to all (Romans 3:23). You pick yourselves up and figure out how to not allow the temptation to lead you to sin again. But making rules for yourself that God did not make is foolish.
"But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (I Corinthians 7:9).
The choice of who you marry is yours to make. God tells you how to select a good spouse. It is up to you to decide if the person you are interested in marrying is someone you want to be with for the rest of your life. God won't make that choice for you.
You are correct that emotional decisions are rarely wise ones, so decide based on your reason. Financially, you will be more successful as a couple working together to achieve goals than as individuals. "He who watches the wind will not sow and he who looks at the clouds will not reap" (Ecclesiastes 11:4). If you have decided and are waiting for the perfect moment to marry, it will never happen.
Question:
Hi sir,
Thank you for your swift response. What we did was foreplay, though I believe it's more likely fornication or lewdness. Can we still go back together after that or should we break up? We did something bad and I don't want to sin like that anymore. I don't want to feel guilty and like I am not a Christian.
I had a toxic relationship before and we also did this same thing, but he was not a Christian. That's why I'm so guarded when it comes to this situation.
I know that we have all mistakes because we are sinful in nature but by the blood of Jesus Christ we are forgiven and saved by his grace.
I'm still confused because I don't know if I can trust him or myself anymore. What if we do it again after all the boundaries that we made? I know I love him so much and I see myself marrying my boyfriend, but I just don't want to risk it happening again for nothing.
Please help me to decide base on the Bible. My boyfriend is now asking me to forgive him. He told me that we will just hold hands, but we also had boundaries before when I told him that we can't hug because I know that I'm weak when it comes to physical attraction.
I hope you will reply again.
God bless you.
Answer:
The basic answer remains the same. If the two of you fear that you will not have the self-control needed, God says you are better off getting married (I Corinthians 7:9). You break up with someone because you know the other person is not a suitable companion for the rest of your life. However, in this case you are saying that you know you want to marry him.
Until you get married, neither one of you should trust the other in regards to sexual matters. That is why you place rules for yourself, such as not being alone with each other and not stirring up sexual passion in the other person. "Let us behave properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts" (Romans 13:13-14).
I can't predict what your boyfriend will do. He did apologize and ask for your forgiveness. He said he would limit his behavior. You can see if he will keep his word or not. If he wants, he can write to me and we can discuss how he should properly behave.
