Should past sexual sins be discussed before marriage?
Question:
Hello,
I'm a 30-year-old female Christian. My boyfriend is a few years older and a Christian as well. We have been together for several months.
He is a wonderful man. However, he has a sexual past that he refuses to discuss. He says that it has no benefit and will cause jealousy and insecurity in the relationship. I'm not sure why. He says he went against wise counsel once by telling, and it caused problems in relationships before.
I told him that before marriage, I needed to know some information in order to fully know him and build a stronger intimacy with him. I feel that he would be bringing his past into our marriage as well.
He says there is no logical reason to give me that information, and that it will cause more questions. To let the past be past. He doesn't want to sabotage the relationship by telling me that information.
Is it wrong to know that information before marriage? What about those sexual sins that he committed? Wouldn't that come into our marriage later on? I don't think he has been saving himself before we started dating. But he is waiting for me. He does want marriage and a potential wife. I'm just concerned about those sins and how will they affect our marriage. How do I deal with this?
Thank you.
Answer:
You already know that he has committed fornication and the sins related to that. You also know that he has changed and is now waiting until marriage. Knowing how many women he has had sex with isn't going to change what you already know. Knowing who he had sex with in the past is going to ruin your relationship with those other women if you happen to know them, or it is going to lead you to be jealous of those women because you will be constantly comparing yourself to these other women.
The one issue you really need to understand is whether he has really changed and why he changed. You may also need to ask if there were any children that might come into your life at some later time that you need to be aware of. Finally, ask him if he has any sexually transmitted diseases that you need to be aware of. These are the sorts of things that will impact your marriage and your future.
You hold his heart. The women in his past don't. Either you trust him and his love for you, or you need to let him find a woman that does trust him.
Question:
Thank you for responding to my message.
He says he has no kids. I don't know 100%, but I have to trust him if I am going to make this work. As for the
Thank you for responding to my message. He says he has no kids. I don't know 100%, but I have to trust him if I am going to make this work. As for the STD test, he said he was willing to take one. Despite that, there are some diseases that a person can be asymptomatic for. So I hope in the long run, I don't catch anything, since he hasn't told me how many women he has been with.
He said staying pure has been a challenge, but he hasn't pressured me into doing anything. He has hinted to wanting, and liking to do certain things with me, but that he respects me waiting. I just wanted to accept him fully as a person as weird as that sounds.
Thank you.
Answer:
The reason for the STD tests is that a person might not have noticeable signs of infection. If he gets a clean bill of health after being checked for STDs, then there should be no reason for concern on your part.
The fact that he is staying pure because of his respect for you is a bit more concerning to me. I would be happier to have heard that he is doing so from his own personal conviction that this is what is pleasing to the Lord.
Ultimately, the decision is yours to make. I can point out the things you need to check so you can make an informed decision, but only you know what you can live with.
Look at "Love Is ..." and "Love Is Different" and decide if these describe your relationship or not.
