Should I continue dating this guy?
Question:
Hi,
I have a guy who came from another town and is my best friend. We worked in the same company. We have been together for almost 2 years. We meet almost every day, and our meetings on Saturdays are regular. We spent the whole day together enjoying ourselves. We have such a good bond that he understands me well. It is almost as if he can read my mind. He understands my feelings. I need not express anything, he understands my silence and my unsaid words. I used to feel sometimes that perhaps he is in love with me because of the kind of relationship we have alone. We were not in a sexual affair, nor did we say that we loved each other. We just understood each other's expressions. We behaved like lovers, but we didn't accept it as fact. Maybe it was a silent commitment.
He had a female friend in the other town, and she was in love with him. They knew each other for over four years. When I came into his life she was still his friend, and they used to talk. He had told me that when he was visiting his old town, he used to hang out with her. She had a boyfriend but still loved him and wanted to marry him. Because of this, she broke up with her boyfriend. I had asked him if he had got intimate or smooched any girl. He said no. I trusted him blindly.
He always cherished the moments with me. He made me feel so special though I used to throw an attitude and get angry frequently. I loved the way he used to understand me, be calm, and try turning my mood.
He went to his old town last fall to visit his friends where he did meet this girl and visited many places with her. I had asked him if he loved her to which he said that she is just a friend. He went with her visiting places because no one else would agree to go out, so he asked for her.
Early this year she was planning to come to a town near here to meet my friend. I asked him why she is coming. He said she won't be able to visit him after marriage, and she wanted to see if he would agree to marry her. But he told her that he doesn’t have feelings for her. He also said they would have to book a single room since he couldn't afford two rooms. She came for three days.
When I came into his life, the way he used to treat me was much better than the way he treated his old girlfriend. It is sure that he never loved her because of his behavior and the way he talks to her wasn’t like he loves her. It was formal, and she was only his friend. They used to speak once a week because I used to check his call logs, so I was sure that he doesn’t love her. Also, she is three years older than him.
From shortly after that he and I started getting more intimate in the sense that we kissed each other. I started loving him. I was going out for movies and outings only with him. I have other male friends, but I never went out with them; it was only him that I loved being with. This continued for about a month. It was full of emotions. I could see in his eyes that it was not lusting. He said that these were his memorable moments.
After a month, we met at his place and while kissing, we later got more intimate by kissing here and there, but neither of us removed our clothes. It was he who remembered the date we had met. We kissed for five days continuously. Later we went to a religious place and stayed in a hotel. We got intimate there and again we didn’t remove our clothes, but he did kiss my upper body through my T-shirt. He tried pulling it off so that it would be easier for him to kiss my upper body, but I stopped him from doing that, and he complied. He kissed me with my T-shirt on, then he pulled my T-shirt up to my neck. We have never had sex because he knows that I won't have pre-marital sex. He was OK with this because he never asked me for sex. He kept saying if we continued this there would be a day that we would end up having sex too. We went to movies and used to get intimate and start kissing. He kept saying that the intimate moments that we shared were his golden moments.
I kept asking him if he was a virgin. Jokingly he used to tell me that he had already lost his virginity. He also asked me what would be my reaction if I came to know that he had lost his virginity before meeting me. I gave him a casual answer since I thought he was not serious.
He started looking for a job in another company because of salary issues. That’s when he realized that he was close to me, and it's difficult for him to go far. He got an offer, and when I found out we both became sad. I felt very bad but didn’t want to show it to him. He said that he will miss me too much. If he had known that he would miss me so much he would have not accepted the offer. He can’t imagine his life without me. He said when he came here for a job, he was not sad like he was now. He usually leaves it behind when he goes to a new place, but this time it was getting difficult for him. Whenever we met he had tears in his eyes, and I was also feeling bad, but I still checked what his reaction would be. I gave him casual advice that when he goes to some other place, he will find a good friend like me, and he will not miss me, just like he didn't miss his former girlfriend. It will be me here and some other girl in his new town who will be his friends. He said that I should not compare anyone with me. I am special to him and can't be compared with anyone else. The bond he shares with me he has not shared with anyone else so far. I also confessed that I would miss him.
Then he came up with a solution. He will come to meet me every month. All this he never did for his former girlfriend. So I was sure that he loved me. Finally, he decided that he will work harder on getting a job here so that he doesn’t have to go far from me. He had to go to his brother’s wedding in his old town for a week. He was again sad because he didn’t want to go away. The day he left he hugged me tightly and told me to take care. I could see the pain. While he was in his old town we spoke many times in a day. When he came back, he got an offer from a local company, and we were happy that now we would be together. Our bond grew stronger.
This week we both were chatting and again it came up about what would happen if I learned he is not a virgin, and that he had a past. I told him clearly that if I had known that he had already had sex with someone, then I would have never have gotten close to him. I thought he was still joking, but the discussions were serious. He confessed that he had lost his virginity, and I broke into tears. He said that he didn’t want to lose me. That’s why he was hesitated in telling the truth. I told him that I don’t want to talk. He asked me to meet the next day and would tell me the truth now, regardless of whether our relationship would survive or not. I had decided that I would end it with him. We met yesterday and he told me that he had sex with his former girlfriend for starting two years before meeting me. It was right after graduating from college. He said that it was only lust. Within two months of meeting his former girlfriend, they got involved but didn’t have sex. Both used to get naked and end up in foreplay. After a year of this, he had sex with her because she insisted. He said the lust took over his mind so much that he never realized what he was doing. He never went out with her. There were no emotions. Whenever they met, they ended up meeting in a room and having sex. They did it a very large number of times.
Last year when he went to his old town and met her there, they had sex for six days. When she had come here this year, they had sex for three days. He said it was the last time it happened. I asked him when he went to his brother’s wedding and met her did he had sex. He replied that he didn’t even touch her, though she had arranged for a room, he told her no. He said perhaps our one-year relationship became more important than the two years of lust, which stopped him from getting involved with her again.
I told him my decision, and he repeatedly said that he wanted to marry me. He had decided that he would tell me all this after marriage. He always wanted to tell but changed his mind since he thought that he would lose me if he told the truth. But then he felt that it is the time that he should tell the truth. If he wanted to hide, he could have changed the topic as he did earlier. He said that he wants me in his life, and I should forgive him for his past since it is his past. He cried a lot. He promised that he would never hurt me again, and I should trust him for the last time, which he will never break. It was his mistake. I asked him why he was still on talking terms with his old girlfriend. He replied that she is now just a normal friend. I asked him to discontinue his relation with her and only then he can have me in his life. He agreed to it that he would never talk to her. He said whatever he did was in lust and our relationship is full of emotions and feelings which is very important for him. Whatever he did with me, the way he behaved was all real, and he was never fake with me. I told him many things. I told him he should have self-control. He said I have made him meet the devil in him after hearing what I said.
I want to ask: Should I trust him? Does he love me really? Please guide me. What do you think?
Answer:
I would ask if either of you know what love is. For you, it is strong emotions. For him, it is a strong desire. But love is neither of those things. "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails" (I Corinthians 13:4-8). Love is a decision and a commitment. I think both of you can come to love each other, but both of you are going to have to first do a better job of being committed to God.
I don't know what religions you two claim to follow. If it is Christianity, neither of you are following Jesus' teachings. Both of you are following sexual passions. "It is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1), yet you both were involved in sexual touching. That you hadn't got so far as fully taking your clothes off does not excuse what you did.
One thing that concerns me is that you have been excusing his misbehavior. Several times you indicated that you didn't pay attention to the hints he was giving you. You haven't always been honest with yourself. I wonder what else you have missed and still don't realize.
My problem is that I have no idea if he is committed to changing his ways. I only have your view and we know you aren't seeing everything. I would need to talk to him about his side of the story, and assuming he was honest, I would be better able to advise.
While I try hard to keep young people from committing fornication, the reality is that too many don't think about the issue until after the fact. People do sin and they can repent of those sins. Whether he is committed to doing so, I cannot tell.
I do know that he lies when he thinks the truth will harm him. He did lie to you about what happened with his old girlfriend early this year. It is to his credit that he told you what happened even though he knew it would probably ruin your relationship. That he did so is an indication of some type of change.
Both you and he are trying almost too hard to distinguish your relationship from his former one. You kept saying he wasn't emotionally involved with her, but I took note that she had hopes that he would marry her. She had an emotional attachment, regardless of his claim. I also note that you believe you know how he talks and treats her when you are not around, yet you had no clue that he was having sex with her each time he had an opportunity. He also was in the process of turning your relationship into the same kind. Notice the timeline he gave: two months after meeting her they started sexual touching, as it progressed, they removed clothing until they were naked and mutually masturbating each other. I would assume it eventually led to oral sex. Then when she invited him to do so, it became intercourse. That went on for two years. Now, notice your timeline. He's known you for about a year but didn't decide to get serious until after his last encounter with her. Within a month you are sexually touching. In another month he has you alone in a hotel room and trying to get some of your clothes off, which he was partially successful in doing. (You kept saying you kept your clothes on, but then said he pulled your shirt up and exposed your chest -- another case where you weren't being honest with yourself.) He even told you that his aim was to eventually have intercourse with you. (Here is another case where you weren't being honest with yourself. You said he respected your commitment to wait until marriage for sex, but then told me about times he repeatedly said he would be having sex with you.) It is clear to me that what worked with his former girlfriend, he is trying to make work with you.
Now, if you and I take him at his word, he had sex with a girl hundreds of times while not emotionally caring about her. What does that tell you about him? Actually, that could be an honest statement because guys don't need an emotional attachment in order to perform sexually. But that he currently has an emotional attachment to you doesn't change things. He is fairly clear that given a chance, he'll happily commit fornication with you.
But I'm really disappointed that you accepted his excuse that when she first asked him to have sex with her he didn't know what came over him. He most certainly did. Otherwise, he wouldn't have spent so many months tumbling around naked with her. He also presented it as if it was solely her idea. His actions speak otherwise. He spent a lot of time getting her sexually aroused so that she would invite him in. But even if you accepted this as an excuse the first time, what about all the other times?
I can't tell you if you should proceed with this relationship. I'm not even certain you are looking at matters clearly enough to make that decision. I do believe a guy can change, but there must be a reason and a commitment. I would say that if he will keep away from sex and sexual touching for the next six months to a year, that he will commit to dating only you, and that he will wait for sex until after you are married, then you might have enough evidence that he has changed.
Question:
He never said that he wants to have sex with me. He just said that we should stop it because if we continue like this we may lose control. I used to tell him that we won't end up having sex because our relationship is not based on this. We had the best of our time during the past year before indulging in intimacy. I don't know if I am thinking wrong, but if he wanted to hide from me, he could have easily done so, and I would have never known because it was he who told me the truth. He said it was his mistake that he didn't think twice before doing such things with his friend.
We get intimate sometimes in movies but not all movies. Why did he become sad when he had a job opportunity to go to the other town? I could see that in his eyes. At that point in time, we were not involved in intimacy. Recently he told me that we should discontinue smooching because our relationship is not based on this. We do have feelings for each other. He is always concerned about me. He sometimes says what I was thinking in my mind and always he is right. I don't know how come he is able to know what I was thinking. If I feel like having something, he gets it for me. If we are eating my favorite thing he gives me half from his plate also because he knows I like to eat that stuff.
I want to know if he really loves me. He never asked for any kiss or intimacy. I love it when I am close to him. Most of the time in the movie we just keep looking at each other. If he wanted to get intimate with me, if that is all in his mind he could have always aroused me and could have kissed, but it's only some times. Usually, he is busy watching the movie or talking with me. Can you tell me how I should know that he loves me?
Answer:
See Love is ...
