My husband left me, claiming I was violent
Question:
Hi!
Please share your wisdom with me. I am standing in need of spiritual guidance and prayer.
I have been married for over a year. Half the time I was together with my husband at home and half the time we've been separated. My husband did the unimaginable and betrayed me.
I was raised in a loving, middle-class Christian home where God was at the center. Growing up, life wasn't perfect, but we were safe, loved, and always had what we needed. My husband grew up in a small country, in a poverty-stricken community where family was everything. They didn't grow up with much, but they always had each other. We met when I was traveling. After many years of going back and forth to his country, I sponsored my husband to move to the USA, and we married.
During the five-year long-distance period, I prayed a lot and asked God to reveal if this was the man God chose for me. I was very specific in my prayers. I even said, "God, if this man is not in Your will for my life, please do not allow his immigration papers to be approved." My husband's immigration process went so smoothly and fast. It was definitely a divine intervention. I understood before getting married how important marriage is, how this is a lifelong commitment and a vow between your spouse and God. That is why I prayed for clarity and asked the Lord for guidance in bringing my then-fiance to the United States and getting married. My husband said he believed the same.
My husband began attending the church of Christ in his neighborhood in his country. Soon after my husband arrived in the USA, we were in church together, and the preacher started premarital and discipleship counseling. Everything seemed great. We were happy. We were in love. Everyone loved my husband -- my family, my church family, and my friends. Not one person, including myself, had any reservations or hesitations about our union.
After my husband was able to get his work authorization and began working, I saw a change in his behavior. The more independent and comfortable he got with his transition into the USA, the more he became argumentative, disrespectful, and not like the person I had known for years. I gave my husband my all. He wanted for nothing. He moved into a brand new home. I supported him financially, emotionally, and physically. My family supported him, and we would joke that my family loved my husband more than I did.
One evening, I asked him to take me to get something to eat. He was happy to take me using the vehicle my father loaned to him. Once I opened the car door, it had a horrible, strong smell of marijuana. I had no idea my husband was involved with recreational drugs. I was so upset. I got out of character, screaming and yelling. I was upset because he lied about smoking (we had this conversation before, and he said he didn't smoke, so I believed him). I was furious that he would disrespect my dad and the vehicle when they were kind enough to allow my husband to use. I was also upset because it's illegal to get high and drive. Where we live, there is no tolerance for DUI. I had never been so angry in my life. I demanded my husband give me the keys. He was extremely dismissive and avoided the conversation. He started screaming at me, and things got out of control.
Several days passed. There was tension in the home. We did not have much to say to each other. On the way to church, we began arguing about the marijuana. The argument is so bad we don't even make it to church. We turned back home. My husband stayed in the garage while I was inside the home. All of a sudden, I see the police showing up. I found out my husband called them. I got arrested for disturbing the peace and assault because of the argument my husband and I had days prior. My husband was privately recording me on his cell phone. I had no idea. The police took me to jail. I'm terrified. I have never been in trouble, never been in a fight, and always was the "goody nerd" in school. I spent the evening in jail and was released in the middle of the night.
My husband left that day, and I have not seen him since. This was months ago. Since then, I've been in intense trauma therapy. My life has been a nightmare. Thankfully, the criminal charges were dismissed. I realize how my behavior that day was unacceptable and not Christ-like. I have repented and asked God and my husband for forgiveness. I don't think I deserved to go to jail, but I take full accountability for my actions. My husband claimed abuse because I was trying to get the car keys out of his pockets the day of the fight. I also moved my car behind my father's car so that my husband would not leave until we were calm and could finish the conversation about the drugs.
On that Sunday, when he called the police, my world was turned upside down. My husband says he wants a divorce. He said he would never come back home. He has no remorse. He has not apologized. He does not recognize that I made a mistake by allowing myself to get so angry, which I take complete responsibility for. However, this would have never happened if he was not using drugs. As embarrassing as it was, I informed our preachers, and they tried talking to him. My parents reached out to him. His heart is so cold and hard. He doesn't want to work on the marriage or take accountability for his part. He ran away and avoided me. I no longer reach out to him because when I do, his attitude just makes me feel worse. He's a prodigal. I worry because I did sponsor him to come to the United States on a marriage visa, but I have no idea where he is.
At this point, I would be ignorant not to wonder if he used me to get into the country. He could also claim he is a victim of domestic violence and get away with staying in this country in which I would be responsible for him for ten years. My husband is not a victim of domestic violence. I really need God to show me what His will is. I am praying and praying. I'm mortified, embarrassed, and in complete disbelief. I was completely blindsided. I need prayers from the righteous.
My husband has posted videos of him in the bars getting drunk and dancing inappropriately with women. He is completely unrecognizable. He told me that if God were upset with his behavior, God would not have blessed him with money, a new car, or a job. My husband is so blinded. I don't know what to do because I don't know if I have biblical grounds for divorce or annulment. This is so heavy on my heart because I didn't get married to get divorced. I believe God hates divorce. My faith is the only thing that's keeping me "standing" for my marriage, but it's getting so hard. I feel defeated and heartbroken. I know the prodigal's father did not run after his son, so I try to keep communication at a bare minimum with my husband because I realize he is double-minded. Unfortunately, I imagine his family is encouraging him to behave this way and treat me this way.
I was not a perfect wife, but I was decent, and I took care of my husband like a king and spoiled him. I will never understand how he could betray me. Looking back, I understand how my attitude and word choice caused issues in our marriage. I thought I was marrying a God-fearing, loving, decent family man, but what I married felt like was an immature, out-of-control teenager. I feel stupid for crying every day over my husband after what he did to me. I have forgiven him. I am trying to be still and wait on the Lord.
However, we have to answer to the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services next spring regarding our marriage. My husband and I have to file his green card paperwork together saying we are still married, or my husband can file saying he entered the country with good intentions to marry but could not stay married because of abuse, which he and I know is untrue. I read some disrespectful comments on his phone from his mother, encouraging him to betray me. As hard as this is, I know it is Satan. I am living in this gray area that is mentally destroying me. I am ready for restoration, but my husband is continuing to claim he wants a divorce but has not filed.
Can you please pray for me? Is there anything in the Bible that says I am eligible for an annulment, especially considering there is a possibility I am a victim of marriage fraud? I know God's will is for forgiveness and restoration, but my husband believes he has made the right decision by leaving despite my humble apologies. If I file for an annulment, it will be as if the marriage never existed, which could potentially deny my husband another green card once his current green card expires next year because marriage is the only reason the USA allowed him to enter the country. Now, he could be filing paperwork privately claiming he is a DV victim to stay in the country at my financial expense. If we divorce, he could still claim to be a victim and stay in the country if he can prove he genuinely wanted to be married, but things just didn’t work out. This situation is a mess, but God can clean all this up.
I am praying my husband comes back to God. Again, I do not know what to do. I want to be wise and make godly decisions, but I also want to protect myself and the things I work so hard for while obeying God. I did not see any red flags. I prayed before getting married, and this is a side of my husband I never knew existed.
Thank you for your time and wisdom.
Answer:
There are two ways to look at your husband's behavior:
- He lied about his past drug use and kept it hidden, but when everything was going well, he started using again. You caught him, but he is more interested in using drugs than being your husband, so he left.
- He had planned this years before to get into the United States. He kept up a front to be the type of man you expected, which was made easier by the long-distance relationship. Once he was settled in, he staged drug use to get you angry, which he was prepared to record. He then called the police to get you arrested so he would have evidence of "domestic violence." He left because it was a part of the narrative he was building, and it removed evidence that you only had a momentary lapse into anger.
Either way, he isn't going to file for divorce until he receives his citizenship. If he does file for divorce, his task becomes harder because he will have to prove in court that he was a victim of domestic violence. The one piece of evidence he had was dismissed.
What I strongly recommend is that you hire an attorney and a private investigator. The attorney should be able to keep your husband from claiming domestic violence and keep you from being financially responsible for him. You need the private investigator to gather evidence that your husband is seeing other women and whatever evidence is needed to prove that he is unsuitable for citizenship. If he is seeing other women, which I suspect is very likely, then you will have what you need to end your marriage and be able to marry again. I know this will be expensive, but it will be cheaper than continuing to be used by your husband. The idea of annulment is not found in the Bible.
When your husband realizes that his citizenship is in jeopardy, he will return to reconcile. At that point, you should have enough information to decide whether you can trust him. I suspect the evidence will point to the fact that any attempt to reconcile will just be for show.
I'm glad you turn to God in prayer and should continue. However, I noticed that you asked for signs, even though God said that prophecy would end (I Corinthians 13:8-10). God used to give signs sometimes, but today, we learn His will through Jesus (Hebrews 1:1-2), which is done through the Bible. You took as a "sign" something that likely happens. There was nothing special about paperwork being done sooner than expected. Yet, you decided that this meant God wanted you to marry this man. See:
Response:
Thank you so much, brother, for replying. I appreciate it and thank you for your insight and wisdom.