My husband has stopped having sex or being affectionate with me. What do I do?
Question:
Good evening.
My husband and I are in the Lord's church but are suffering and I just don't know what to do. He has a very strong addiction to his electronics, his cell phone, Xbox, and iPad. He spends all day every day on them for years now watching every sport known to man so he says. Over the months he has lost all sexual and mental attraction to me. He refuses to be affectionate with me or have sex with me. It has been months since the last time he has touched me and if I go and try to flirt with him he pushes me away. We are in our mid-twenties and married for less than five years. I gained a little weight after I had our son but not a whole lot so I don't know if that's even it or not. Not to sound conceited but I am very pretty so it's really hard for me to understand what I am doing wrong and why he does not want me anymore. It's almost like he has turned gay now. I always pray for God to turn him into a good husband and father but it's just getting worse.
He is very mean to me. I know most of the time the woman in the relationship can push her husband away, but he acknowledges he is wrong and mean to me all the time, but he simply does not care enough to change. He knows exactly what he is doing, admits it and all. It is almost like he is proud of his power over me and he feeds off my sadness. I am very happy-go-lucky and can hide pain very well so I'm not gloomy all the time or anything like that. I always make sure he cannot see me cry, but I still express my feelings toward him.
His addiction to his electronics is so strong and he has become so bitter and cold toward our infant and me that he does not even care to read God's word.
I want to tell someone at church but I know it will upset my husband and our church is very young and new with no elders, and I'm not even sure they will know what to do. I still wish they could at least pray for us but don't think I can ever come to tell them how bad it really is. I don't know what to do. I really wish my son and I could just go to heaven right now and not live like this anymore. I tell myself that at the end of my suffering God will reward me but it is getting so hard to live and bear with. I want to fast for a few weeks and pray for a miracle but I just cannot do it with a baby to take care of and my family lives many states away, so I can't ask them for help. The last time I fasted all I could do was lay there. I was so weak. The situation in my home is worse than I can describe it to be in this letter.
I am so sad and very alone. Please help me.
Answer:
There is little that I can do without talking with both you and your husband. That something is seriously wrong is clear. I would strongly recommend finding someone to counsel both of you.
Let me point out that men have a physical need for sex and women have an emotional need for sex. A man's body produces semen constantly that needs to be released periodically. It is a physical need, just as when your bladder gets full. A man cannot mentally ignore it. So when someone tells me that a husband has lost all interest in sex, it means he is using some other means to ejaculate. That could be pornography, adultery, homosexuality, etc. It could be a physical ailment or a side-effect of some drug he is taking. But without him saying, it would be mere guesswork, and to solve the problem what is going on needs to be known.
In regards to your own suffering, the situation is not good but you are being overly dramatic about it. You survived quite well before your husband came along, so I know you can continue to survive as he deals with his issues. Consider too that there are many women who have lost their husbands and have chosen to remain unmarried and manage to survive quite well. The situation is not good but it isn't a life and death situation as you are making it out to be. Your husband has problems. He needs help.
