My girlfriend committed suicide one and a half years back. We had a relationship of five years. Both of us loved each other badly, and she got pregnant twice and had an abortion as I told her to do this. Due to my family pressure, I refused to marry her and got engaged to someone else chosen by my family. She couldn't tolerate this and committed suicide by hanging. She mentioned her pregnancy in her suicide note.
I got arrested but her father refused to recognize me and her handwriting in the suicide note, so I was judged not guilty in court.
I don't know what should I do now. I am feeling guilty. I have committed terrible sin because she committed suicide because of me. Maybe I could have saved her. I left my job. I don't want to marry as my family is pressuring me to get married. My life is totally blank. I want to finish my life but I heard that committing suicide is also a sin.
What should I do now? Please help and guide me.
I hope you will read through this entire note and that we can continue to communicate. There are things that I must say that you will not like to hear, but they need to be said because your life is off track. I assume you consider yourself a Christian since you wrote to a preacher. My answers come from a Christian viewpoint.
First, you are correct that suicide is a sin. It is a form of murder. See: Why is suicide a sin? Your former girlfriend committed a sin by taking her life. We can pray that God has mercy on her soul in this regard since she was clearly not thinking well at the time. You taking your own life will not remove your guilt, fix your problem, or make you feel better. "But for him who is joined to all the living there is hope, for a living dog is better than a dead lion" (Ecclesiastes 9:4).
Let's start by better understanding your sins. I'm not out to harp on them, but to make them clear to you so that you can make corrections in your life. This all started with you having sex outside of marriage. "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4). Worse, while she had hopes that you would marry her, you had no intentions of doing so. Thus, you used another human being for your own sexual pleasure. Nor were you careful about your fooling around. You got her pregnant twice, but you wanted to cover up your sin and eliminate your responsibilities toward your children by having them killed.
You claim that you loved her. How is this love? "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth" (I Corinthians 13:4-6). What you describe is the opposite of love. You had strong sexual desires for each other, but the desire is not the same as love.
Then after using her for five years, you dumped her for another girl. You basically stated that you "loved" a girl, would have sex with her, get her pregnant, but you would not marry her. You then turn around and declare that you are going to marry a girl that your family picked for you. I think it is clear why this girl was so upset. You are not responsible for her death -- that was her own choice. But you are responsible for the emotional upheaval that you caused her.
Now you are set on punishing yourself because of your wrongs, but nothing you are doing has anything to do with the removal of sin. They don't even make you feel like you are improving your life. Instead, you are spiraling out of control in depression. "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death" (II Corinthians 7:10). You are sorry for what you did, but you are chasing after worldly sorrow.
First, you need to make a radical change in the way you live your life. Right now you are only a Christian in name, not in truth since you have not been following Jesus' teachings (John 14:15). "For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:11). Nothing can undo the past, but it can be forgiven and left behind. You need to change.
That means you are going to stop having sex of any sort until you get married. When you do get married, I would like you to consider giving two children, who have no parents, a home with you and your future wife as their parents.
But to accomplish this, you need to get back to work. You have a family to support and children to raise. "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" (I Timothy 5:8).
Whether you marry the woman your family picked for you is up to you. It is your choice who you marry. Your family's choice can be nothing more than a suggestion.