My boyfriend said he won’t have sex with me before marriage, but then he gave me a handjob. What should I do?
Question:
I am 23 years old and have been dating a 31-year-old guy for four months now. At first, there was no problem, but after a few days, he started showing a desire to have sex. Honestly, this is my first boyfriend in my life and I didn't know anything about real dating.
I am from a traditional family which believes sex before marriage is taboo. I am trying to limit myself about dating and I told the guy that I don't want to have sex. He said if I don't want to do it, he won't do it. But, he started doing a handjob on me, which I just now learned the term of it.
I feel guilty and I think I have gone too far. I want to end the relationship because of this matter, but then he said that he loves me. I actually don't trust whether he really loves me or if he has a huge desire to have sex.
Please advise me as to what should I do. Should I just cut him off and not met him again? If I told him that he will get mad. My sister told me that if he touches you somewhere forbidden, don't allow him to come again. But I have compromised a lot.
Please help.
Answer:
You make yourself appear desperate to have some sort of boyfriend and you are willing to compromise your beliefs to have any boyfriend, even one who is only interested in having sex with you. Your first clue was when he hinted that he wanted to have sex immediately and not wait for marriage. That told you he has no respect for God's word or for marriage. He is 31 years old. He could have married quite a while ago. Obviously he isn't in any rush because he can get "free" sex. Likely he is more interested in the conquest of women than finding a lifelong partner. Even if he married you, he very likely would start committing adultery because he would want new women to conquer.
When he said he would respect your beliefs and then later gave you a handjob, you had your second warning. Here is a man who does not respect your beliefs or your body. Like many men, he sees sex as something a person does. Therefore, he likely believes that by trying to get you sexually aroused with his hands you will allow him to have sexual intercourse with him later. It is already starting to work because you are compromising your standards by telling yourself, "we already went this far." Yes, you went too far. You pursued a course of sensuality with this man. "Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality" (Galatians 5:19). He encouraged it, but you didn't put your foot down (preferably in some tender spot to get him to stop). In this, you are both to blame.
The third hint is that you have no trust in regard to this man. You know that all he wants is to have sex with you, but you are making up excuses. My dear, a man can say anything, but actions speak louder than words. He doesn't love you. He has no respect for you. He just wants to use you to gratify his own desire. Nor are you in love with him because love "believes all things" (I Corinthians 13:7).
He is acting like an animal, and you are concerned about making him mad? You ought to be furious at yourself for letting your guard down and at him for taking advantage of you. Your sister is right, don't go and see him again and tell him to find someone else because you are not interested. Don't buy any excuse from him. He lost a good woman by his bad behavior.
"Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:40).
