Is it fair that I leave her heartbroken?


Praise the Lord to you all. I am writing this to you to find the answer for my situation that is according to the Bible and just, correct, right, and holy in the eyes of our God.

I was born into a very respectful Christian family. My grandparents and my parents are all devoted to Lord Jesus Christ and they are all pastors so I am a pastor’s son. Everything was going well until I fell in love with a Hindu girl when I was 21 years old. She’s my school friend. For three years I was in a relationship with her. I said I wanted to break up with her because of the things I observed in her lifestyle and culture. To be honest, when I first fell in love with her, I was an infant in spiritual knowledge and entered into a relationship with an unbeliever. Year after year I grew spiritually and I decided to accept our Lord Jesus Christ as my Saviour. I was baptized last year. But before then, we were committing fornication. We had sex many times even though I knew it was a sin. I made her my idol and forgot God. But at the back of my mind, I was reprimanded by my soul that I should not be a slave to my lust. However, it all happened and we decided to marry by requesting and begging our parents. My family is very devoted to the Lord Jesus and her parents are extremist Hindus. She and I were ready to be disowned by our families. Our parents didn't know anything about us being in a relationship until that point.

I knew she drank alcohol occasionally at parties, even her parents are occasional drinkers. It's a normal thing in their household. She goes to pubs. She even took me there to show me the “real” fun and enjoyment of life as I don’t like going to clubs or drinking. She shares everything with me. She mentioned she and her brother drank when she was in college. Then later when she went on a trip with her friends she shared a snap of her and her friends drinking vodka. I was not able to take the things she did which were against my God, so I asked her to break up with me. She cried, begged, and had her friends pled with me. I agreed to stay with her if she promised she would never drink again.

Less than a year later, she visited her aunt and her aunt offered her beer. She messaged me saying she broke the promise because of the pressure her aunt placed on her. I again asked her to break up. But she begged me that it was due to force, and she was not addicted nor wanted to drink it purposefully. I admit that I was very attached to her so I forgave her and wanted to stay with her with the promise again, even though she broke it once. On my first visit to the pub with her, she pulled me to the dance floor and started dancing. I am not happy about her dancing and living according to the world. I told her that my principles do not align with her worldly outlook and I asked her to change her mind. I told her this was against God. I told her I planned be a pastor in my church after my father and she and I were to build the church and raise my kids in God’s presence. She listened and respected my opinion. However, at every celebration she attends, she wants it to be in a brewery, pub, or nightclub because that’s where all of her friends host parties. She doesn’t want to be called an old-fashioned girl -- of course, she likes going there.

Last summer, at another party in a pub, her friends asked if she wanted to have shots. She gestured to them that I wouldn’t allow her to drink. I noticed this and said to her “I don’t want to force you or control you to follow my principles. I rather that willingly say no instead of pointing at me and getting my permission. We should be “equally yoked” in food, drinks, attire, thoughts, knowledge, and worship. This is the change in attitude I’m looking in you”. I don’t know how she took it or if she didn’t get my point but in the end, she ordered a whiskey along with her friends and sipped it while sitting next to me. I couldn’t take it. I never saw her drinking next to me (only in videos/snaps), but this time all her beauty looked ugly and her breath smelled of alcohol. It killed me inside and I couldn’t even talk to her or see her or embrace her after she took a sip. I knew we were unequally yoked and that I had chosen the wrong companion.

I dreamed of a holy life with her after marriage, praying together, worshiping together, studying the Bible together, discussing theological questions day and night, raising kids, and teaching them God’s Word. Everything was destroyed in a second. I lost trust in her and realized she was of this world and could not be a good mother role model from a Christian family perspective. I told her that I was breaking up with her. I blocked her from all the social media platforms. This time she went crazy and slit her wrist. She swallowed random pills she found in her house and threatened me that she would commit suicide if I didn’t stay with her. I was scared so I begged her not to harm herself. I told her that God would send a good partner who understands her and is more compatible with her than me. She said she couldn’t forget me. I showed her true love and she’s unable to move on. Somehow I managed to keep her calm for three months. She stopped calling me and texting me. But later she cried a lot and said she was depressed because of the breakup. I tried to console her and told her that we were not meant for each other.

A few months ago, in order to make her hate me and be rid of her, I told her that I had a Christian girlfriend now, that we slept together, and that I would marry only her. It was a lie. I'm single and I want to obey only God’s will in my marriage.  This triggered her and backfired on me. Instead of hating me, she said ”I thought you’re religious and faithful to God. A true devotee will stay single and control his lust rather than sleep with another girl. Did your God ask you to break up with me? Did your God ask you to look for another girl? Did he ask you to sleep with her?” Last week she called me and burst out in tears and said I ruined her life, I slept with her, and was now cheating on her. I stayed with my lie that I had a new Christian girlfriend and built on that lie, saying I could not leave the new girl now. She asked me to break up with her. She wouldn’t mind me sleeping with an imaginary Christian girlfriend. She wants me back and says she will convert to Christianity. This is the situation I am in now.

If I look back, all I can say is, when I was spiritually immature, I gave in to my youthful lusts and promised her marriage. But when I learned more about her and her perspective on alcohol, celebrations, and parties, I realized I made a mistake. I stayed with her with mixed emotions. But after falling too hard on my face, my eyes were opened and I started to think about my church, my father’s and grandparents’ church, their gospel services, their Bible classes, and me being part of the church and missionary. I want my future mother-in-law and father-in-law to also be faithful servants to God and we all together should be a strong part of our Father's kingdom.

I also want to add that I was diagnosed last year with a problem that could potentially make me infertile. She supported me mentally and said she was fine with me even if I wasn't able to give her children. She said we could adopt children as the doctor said I have to marry in 1-2 years to have a chance for children. Otherwise, I have to undergo surgery that has a very low success rate and can make me fully impotent if it is unsuccessful. So she and I decided not to undergo the surgery. This made me love her so much. This all happened while I was in a relationship with her, while my heart did not like her involvement in worldly things and living according to the world. I want her to love my Lord Jesus more than me.

All this has happened in my life without my parent's knowledge. I live far from my parents, and I dealt with all this alone with her support.

But I could not love her after opening my eyes and decided to break up. After the breakup, I decided to change my life and was baptized. My Lord forgave my sins. I am not guilty anymore of what I did. I am feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit in me: the way I respond to her, the way I look at a woman, and the way I think about my life goals. I want to preach the Gospel all over the world. That’s my only aim, goal, and dream in life now. But my old sinful life is not leaving me. My old sinful bondings are not breaking up with me. I realized I made a mistake and now I changed, genuinely changed, and I am more spiritual than ever before in my life. I can control my lust and I’m studying the Bible every day. I am keeping myself busy with academics. My church, family, and I are happy. But the girl whom I once loved, whom I once invited to my place to have unlawful sex, with whom I gave a share in my lustful sin, with whom I had a strong emotional bonding, is not happy and doesn’t want to leave me and is ready to convert her religion. I don’t want to do missionary dating. I know only God can change her, not me. I told her that I want a girl who is truly born again in Lord Christ (not a person who is a Christian in name only) and not someone to whom I have to give permission or give instructions in every spiritual thing. I want to build the kingdom of God and be a fisherman of men. I don't want to satisfy my lust, earn money, and obey the lust of the world. She said she would be under my feet - like a slave and she would only do something if I said yes. I tried to convince her with the verses in the Bible about being unequally yoked, the problems of worshipping God with an unbelieving wife, serving God, my purpose of life God has assigned to me, the dream I have to preach the Gospel, and that she won’t be happy if she stayed with me. Still, she wants to be with me and wants to marry me. She even said if marriage is a concern for my family and church, she asked me to stay single and she will remain single and be my partner for life (no lust, no kissing - only to spend time with her and talk to her) is what she asked of me. But I am not sure if I can stay celibate for my whole life. I would love to have a family. But if God has called me to be celibate, I’m ready to obey. I personally would like to get married, have kids, raise them as the warriors of Christ, and die with the Bible in my hand. This is all I want. Still, I want to obey God’s will and plan; whatever that is.

On top of all that, her parents are looking for wedding matches for her while she's asking me to marry her. I refused, but after sleeping with her and opening my spiritually blinded eyes, is it fair to leave her heartbroken? Should I marry her? Should I stay distant from her and block her? I am more concerned about my church and the example I set for the young adults in my church if I bring an unbeliever in as the pastor’s wife. Please help me! Even the wisest Solomon drifted away because of his unbelieving wives. My salvation is my first priority over my wants and needs.

Please help me.

Thank you so much for reading this.


In many ways, your view of the Scriptures and my own views are quite different. I can see it in your references to "my church," seeing pastors as owners of churches, mixing the duties of a preacher and a pastor, etc. The church only belongs to Jesus (Matthew 16:18). Those who lead a congregation are merely stewards in the Master's house (I Corinthians 4:1-2). Preachers and Pastors have different duties with different qualifications. See Pastors and Preachers.

However, let's cut through all the details. You sinned by committing fornication and you further sinned by lying to her to get her to leave you. I find it fascinating that while you could not stand the sin of drunkenness, you excused your own sins. I'm glad you decided to be a Christian, though you have a long journey in learning what a true Christian is like. Meanwhile, you find your emotions are in conflict with what you know are your duties to the Lord.

Your ex-girlfriend is not a Christian. She doesn't hold to the same moral code that you do. There is no indication that she thinks she needs to change. She is willing to do whatever you tell her simply as a way to get you to marry her. Once that is accomplished, I doubt she will stick to those principles because they are not her own.

You had sex with her because you didn't care at the time. You have since changed while she remained the same. You are correct, she would not make you a good wife regardless of what occupation you decide to pursue.  A marriage to her would pull you away from Christ as she finds ways to corner you into making compromises.

Ultimately, the choice is yours to make. It will affect the rest of your life. You have to decide what is best. She can't make the decision for you. I can't make the decision either. God won't force you to follow Him. It is time for you to be a man and take responsibility for your life and your choices.

Your past doesn't change what is morally correct. Your emotions don't impact morality. You have to examine what exists now and make a decision on whom you will serve. I pray that you decide to serve the Lord, not your parent's denomination but the Lord Himself.

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