I’m sorry for the adultery I’ve done, but my wife is leaving me and I don’t know what to do
Question:
I have been married for a few years. My wife and I have several children. About two months ago she filed for divorce, and it's destroying me. I'm searching for God. I spoke to the Lord now and prayed that He may give me a word. He did: Proverbs chapters 2 to 5.
I committed adultery several times, and I regretted it so much that I told my wife about it. I confessed to her and God. I never did it again, but I still had thoughts sometimes. I didn't want to hurt my wife like that again, and I didn't want to sin anymore because I love my wife with all my heart. I'm ashamed of myself, and I haven't been able to forgive myself this whole year. I prayed that God may forgive me, but in the end, my wife still left. I can't handle it. I'm so close to committing suicide. I'm so afraid I've made bad choices in life, but I don't deserve this suffering. I'm afraid now that I read Proverbs. I saw that my wife even marked it.
I was searching for forgiveness, and I found it in God, but I'm not sure He forgave me. I'm really afraid. I gave my heart to the Lord, and I'm going to church and praying a lot, but things just get worse.
Please tell me what to do, and let me know if I will find peace. Pray for me and my marriage. This is my wife's email. I want her to read this. I want her to know that I'm really sorry for what I did. I beg her to forgive me. I can't stop crying. She means the world to me. I love her so much. I don't want a divorce. God help me! I'm sorry, please have mercy.
Answer:
Let me start off with an apology to your wife.
I would appreciate it if you would forward this to your former husband. I'm not expecting you to read what I wrote to him or what he wrote. You are welcome to do so if you want, but don't feel any obligation.
This is not the way to solve the mess you created. I assume she isn't talking to you anymore, so you think that by getting an apology to her in a roundabout way she'll somehow believe you this time -- or at least read it.
Love is built on trust. Love "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (I Corinthians 13:7). Yet, you seem determined to undermine that trust. You repeatedly broke the covenant you made with your wife. Feeling guilty about it, you forced your problems onto your wife by telling her that you did not find her good enough for you. Isn't that how it comes across to a woman when she is told her husband prefers to be in other women's beds? She no longer knows if she can ever believe you again. Then you hint that you continued to eye other women or thinking about the ones you had been with. Though you didn't act on it, she would have noticed. To her, it would appear that it was a matter of when you would give in again, not if. She has children to protect and raise, but a husband who can't be counted on to be faithful to her.
You're sorry, but sorrow isn't enough by itself. "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death" (II Corinthians 7:10). You have a worldly sorrow because you are wrapped up in being sorry for the consequences of your sin and your response is to want to run away from those results through suicide. Isn't it time for you to be a man instead of a boy acting like a dog who wants to mate with every willing female he can find? Use that sorrow over what you did to radically change the boy you are into the man you ought to be. "For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:11).
I don't know if you can win your wife back or not. But you can be a Christian man whom everyone, including your children, will look up to and respect. It is going to take a lot of work on your part. You have years of bad habits to break. You have to learn how to behave properly. After making those changes, you can ask your wife for the privilege of dating her. She might say yes. But if you continue to act like a tearful child who just got spanked, your wife won't see the man she thought she married. She has enough kids to handle, she doesn't need another one.
First off, your body belongs to your wife. "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does" (I Corinthians 7:4). A consequence of your giving away what was hers is that she has the right to end the marriage. Yet, that divorce does not free you from the vows you made. You must honor your vows and honor your wife by keeping your body for her, even if it means you never have sex again. Yes, that is harsh, but what you did was just as harsh, if not more so.
Next, you need to stop playing at being a Christian and actually be a follower of Christ. It will mean a lot of changes in your life. You won't be the sex-addicted boy you used to be, but a new man. I want you to read:
When you are ready to change your life, let me know and I help you find a preacher near you to teach you how to be a Christian. "Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong" (I Corinthians 16:13). This isn't about you and your happiness. This is about your responsibilities -- to God, your children, and your wife.
