I want to do right, but I am weak
I am writing to you about my life. I am in my forties. I have always known that I am a complete sinner. I want to do good, but weakness gets in my way.
When I was young I was introduced to pornography. Recently I walked away from it and I am trying to get closer to God. I was having sex at an early age with a girl whom I considered the love of my life in high school. She was the first person I ever had sex with. I have always had thoughts of lust and sexual perversions due to pornography.
I now want to do what is right in the eyes of God, but weakness still overruns me. I have asked Jesus to come into my life. I do believe in Jesus. I believe he is gone. I believe he is the Son of God. I believe he died on the cross for my sins, but I also continue living the same life that I had since I was young.
I was involved in drugs and several other things at an early age as well. I stop doing drugs for a long time and have not done meth in a long time. I surrendered all that, but I like painkillers now. In the past, I have been a liar, and I sometimes continue to lie.
I pray to God that He would deliver me from these painful things that I continue to do. Do you have any feedback on the things I am telling you? I hate what I do and do not want to continue, but the weakness overrides me still.
I grew up in a house that went to church when I was young, but we did not live a real Christian life outside of the church. I really want God to help me with this though. But I haven't fully surrendered to God although I have been on my hands and knees crying out to Him on many occasions to save my soul and to forgive me of my sins. I believe I feel him drawing me unto Him because my heart breaks. I believe also that I love Jesus. Do you have any feedback for me, please?
You have the desire to please God, but the element of repentance seems to be missing. Repentance means a change in direction, and it involves two parts: There is a change in your attitude toward sin, where you no longer find sin acceptable or excusable, and there is a change in your behavior where you stop sinning and make it harder for you to repeat your sins. "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11). You have the sorrow, but now you need the repentance.
You want God to deliver you from sexual sins, lust, and drugs, but He is not going to force you. The decision to leave these sins has to be your own, just as the decision to get involved in them were your own. What He will provide is help so you can maintain your decision to quit sin. The Bible teaches you how to deal with life in a productive way, instead of the destructive choices you've made in the past. It teaches you how to make good decisions by putting God foremost in your selections. God can send people into your life to help you deal with temptations. But no one will make you do what is right.
When you are ready to surrender your life to God, read: How to Become a Christian.
Thank you, Jeffrey. It means a lot to me that you replied back. I've got some maturing to do for sure and surrendering.