I reconnected with a man I had sex with before I was married



I've found myself drifting off in this direction and would appreciate your help. I've been married for 18 years to a lovely man of God and we have several children. My problem is that before we got married I met and fell in love with someone else, and he started having oral sex with me. This ended and was settled prior to my marriage. 15 years into my married we reconnected. It has happened twice since and we have been having Internet sex on a regular basis. I was led to believe there was nothing wrong with this as it satisfies a part of me that I didn't feel comfortable talking to my husband about. I feel guilty but feel so connected to this man it is unreal. He is a minister of God and tells me he plans to leave his wife once he is straight and because of what is in his heart.

The guilt I feel would support me leaving my husband because he loves me truly. I don't feel I deserve it and I'm not happy with the way I have failed as I was brought up a Christian, committed my life to Christ as a teenager, and have been practicing Christianity since even rising to leadership within the church. Every time I try to break it off he comes back with a force stronger than before and leads me to believe it is impossible to break him off as we are bound together and keeping it a secret is the best thing.

I tried to tell my minister using a fake identity, but he was more interested in who I was and was very dismissive stating that being transparent was part of my deliverance. There are two Christian families involved who can potentially be destroyed, so I need to be cautious. All my friends think of me as the holy one whose life has never fallen apart; yet, I bear this deep dark secret that is destroying me.

I really do need help and do appreciate that the sense of loss will exist for a while but with the right help and support, this is manageable. I look forward to your help. After I read a response to a similar story on your website it gave me renewed hope. I'm ready to move on in the right direction.

Please help me.


"For when they speak great swelling words of emptiness, they allure through the lusts of the flesh, through lewdness, the ones who have actually escaped from those who live in error. While they promise them liberty, they themselves are slaves of corruption; for by whom a person is overcome, by him also he is brought into bondage" (II Peter 2:18-19).

The passage above describes how false teachers operate. The man you've had oral sex with is one of these corrupt teachers.

Let's make this very clear. You have been committing adultery with an evil man who masquerades as a preacher of God's word. "And no wonder! For Satan himself transforms himself into an angel of light. Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also transform themselves into ministers of righteousness, whose end will be according to their works" (II Corinthians 11:14-15). You, too, have been playing the part of a hypocrite, portraying yourself as a faithful Christian, while violating God's laws.

"Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10).

It doesn't matter where you claim your emotions lie. You married your husband, not this other man. You made a covenant before God that God will hold you to. "And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate" (Matthew 19:4-6). You and the corrupt preacher are trying to separate what God joined.

Stop playing with sin. End all contact with this man. Change your email, phone number, and whatever else you two have been using to communicate. You have vows to keep, a husband to love, and children to raise to be righteous Christians.

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