I've never done anything like this, but I've come to your page on countless occasions. I am 23 years old and, for the most part, your average joe.
I accepted Christ in my life less than a year ago. When I first did it, I felt amazing. I had an extra stride in my step, I felt free. Lately, I've been feeling strange. I love God, and I'm a believer in Jesus who died for my sins. But I can't shake some demons.
I have a problem with eating. When I'm hurt I turn to food. I've battled depression in life, and I once was over 500 pounds. I've since dropped most of that weight, but in the last year I haven't worked out and barely watch what I eat. I promise all of this ties together just bear with me.
I also dated a beautiful girl for about a year, the year I stopped working out. She was my first love, or so I thought. She was a Christian and at the time I wasn't. I feel like I corrupted her. We immediately began sexual activities and it got to the point that's all we did. We broke up because she was starting to have so much go wrong in her life, and I feel like I was the reason.
I felt guilty. I ate, and ate. and ate more. Combine that with the feeling of heartache from losing your first love, and I just ate all day. I was even supposed to be my best friend's best man at his wedding and I did not show because I was so devastated, and we never talked again.
After becoming saved I thought the guilt and sadness would subside, but it hasn't. I've been going to church praying, speaking to my mother who is a preacher, and I just can't shake this emptiness. Now I'm at the point where I'll turn to pornography to feel loved because I just feel alone and hurt. Which makes me feel guilty and then I eat again. I feel like all hope is lost for me. I'm trying to be what God wants me to be, but I fear I'm so far into sadness, food, and porn that God doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I just need help to be stronger. I pray for strength, I also pray for forgiveness and the ability to forgive my ex for breaking my heart. I also pray for forgiveness for making her life awful, and for not being a Christian when I dated her. I fear I'll end up alone because I'm not moving forward.
Please help me. I know this rambling, but I have so much wrong with me, why would God forgive me? How do I get over this addiction to porn and food?
At the core of your problem is that you are trying to make yourself feel good. It doesn't work because these things are only temporary. Any boast they give to your mood only lasts while you are eating or looking at porn. When you stop, you know you did wrong, and so guilt returns even stronger than before. In addition, these things do not fix your problems. You talk about being lonely now that you no longer have a girlfriend, but looking at pornography is not going to help you find another girlfriend. If anything it will make the task more difficult. The weight you've gained will make it harder to find a girlfriend as well. Therefore the things you are doing are only increasing your loneliness.
Each decision you make is based on your emotions. But emotions are not a standard. They change constantly. "He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but whoever walks wisely will be delivered" (Proverbs 28:26). Decisions must be made solely on what is right or wrong.
For example, one becomes a Christian because he recognizes that he has sinned and that his sins separate from His God (Isaiah 59:1-2). He does as God commands to take advantage of the sacrifice Jesus made on his behalf to save him from his sins. "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him. For if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life" (Romans 5:8-10). In doing so, he enters a covenant with God to live as His child. See: What Must I Do to be Saved? The response to the decisions made to become a Christian, but the emotions aren't the cause of the decision nor an indication that the correct decision was made.
Should you feel guilty about your fornication? Of course. I would be concerned if you could look back at sin and not be bothered by it. But there is a huge factor that you are not taking into account: You should no longer be the person who once committed fornication. Take special note of the last statement in this quote: "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God" (I Corinthians 6:9-11). Becoming a Christian is about making a radical change in your life -- so radical that you are no longer the person you once were. "What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?" (Romans 6:1-2).
Guilt serves a purpose. It reminds us that wrong is wrong. It encourages us not to continue in sin. But instead of heeding the warning, you wallow in sorrow without making changes for the better. True, you are not committing fornication now, but you lust after it by watching pornography. You added the sin of gluttony on top of this. While sorry about both, you do nothing to change so you can stop being sorry about who you are.
Make a decision to do what is pleasing to God and not yourself because it is the right thing to do.