I grew up in a family that didn’t love or want me. How do I learn to love?
Question:
I was born into a family that didn't love me because I'm black and Mexican mixed with heart disease. My mother left me in the hospital for a week when I was born because she didn't want me, and neither did her mother and her family. When she got me back, I was torched all my life by my mother and her mother calling me racist names all my life.
My mom's boyfriend touched me and my little brother one time. I told her about when he dropped us off, but she didn't believe me. My aunt's boyfriend put chili in our mouths because they thought I was lying.
I hated my life. When I was 14, I was in a car accident. We were hit by a drunk driver. We were in my mom's truck -- my little brother and I and some other people I didn't know. My brother and I flew out the window. I hit him so he wouldn't hit the curb, snap his neck, and die. I flew farther and almost died from the impact. When I woke up in the hospital the only people standing next to my bed were my grandfather and my aunt, his daughter. They told me I called out his name and wanted him for two and half weeks while in a coma. But my mother and her family weren't there for me, only my grandfather and my aunt.
My grandfather and aunt accepted me when I was a kid, even though I'm not blood-related. They loved me a lot. My grandfather is my father and my grandmother is my mother, but she died when I was 13. I believe God gave them to me to love me and rescue me from this family that hates me.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't born, and I asked God why did He put me in this family that doesn't want me. I have a lot of hate for everything that happened to me. My grandmother dying and leaving me and my grandfather alone left me with a heart that doesn't love at all. I don't know how to love. I'm in my thirties. I have two kids, and I do love my kids. I'm overprotective of them, and she has a son from her earlier relationship. I'm not married. I would love to be, but I can't because my heart isn't opening. I'm very defense when I feel threatened. I don't like her family because they called me racial names. I've tried to beat them down, and I don't like them calling my daughter names either.
I know I'm not perfect, I'm a sinner, and I talk to God when I'm alone or driving alone. I ask Him when and if my life will ever get better, or was I made to suffer until I die. Sometimes I wish it will come soon. I'm disabled and opened a little business to help my family because it's been a hard and rough life. I just want it to get better. I want to feel loved. I don't want to be a disappointment to God and a disgrace to our Lord.
Answer:
You cannot change the past, but you can change your future. Your happiness does not depend on other people treating you well. You can focus on the good things in your life and be content, or you can focus on all the things you don't have and be forever miserable because there is no end to the things you don't have.
Right now you want God's help, but you are following God's teachings. You are living in fornication and you excuse it because you claim that you don't love the woman you are having sex with. But whether you love is your choice. Love isn't a feeling; it is a decision. See Love is ... and Love is Different. As Jesus pointed out, "But why do you call Me 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do the things which I say?" (Luke 6:46). There is nothing keeping you from getting married.
You did have love in your childhood. It is just that the love came from a direction you didn't expect. Your grandfather and aunt love you. I suspect that your children love you too. And I absolutely know that God loves you. "By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren" (I John 3:16).
A part of your family did not love you, but you can create a loving family and, thereby, give your children what you wanted in your childhood.
It is past time for you to give yourself over to God. "Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, "The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously"? But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: "God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble." Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up" (James 4:4-10). It is time you became a real Christian and, thereby, live a real life. See: What Must I Do to be Saved?
