I feel guilty that I didn’t tell my boyfriend that a year ago I kissed my ex-boyfriend
Question:
I have been together with my current boyfriend for two years now. During our first six months together, there was one night I was out drinking with some friends when my ex, by surprise, was also there at the same place, and he sat at our table. We got to chat for a while and he was telling me something that got cut short, so when we left I called him up to know the end of what we were talking about, then he asked me to go to his house and finish the conversation there. Then I found myself in his house. We kissed, but that was it, nothing else.
It's been more than a year since and my guilt is killing me whether I should tell my boyfriend or not. I'm scared if a random rumor mill will let my secret would come out. I love my boyfriend very very much, and there is nothing I'd want more now than to be able to turn back time and not have gone to my ex's place so that nothing ever happened. Then my boyfriend and I can move on with our relationship. I know my boyfriend and he is not the type that will forgive me for what happened, even if it happened just once. I have been truly very sorry for what I've done and have been making it up to my boyfriend and plan on doing so the rest of my life by being the best girlfriend I can be.
I have been reading your articles and you've said that it's best to keep the burden of sin to myself. Is that right? But lying is what we shouldn't do. For example, if my boyfriend asks and then I deny it, that would be wrong. I've made up my mind from before that I won't tell my boyfriend of this, just keep quiet as my friends advised.
The next day I saw my boyfriend. I told him where I was the night before and didn't tell him about going to my ex's house. Does that constitute lying? The same as when you said that if someone asks then is the only time to tell, otherwise just keep quiet.
I am bothered that I covered up the cheating the next day by saying I was just out with my friends, even if in the latter part of the night I really wasn't. He wasn't the one who asked but that's what I said. You said to keep quiet and keep the burden of sin to myself. If I do that would be the better thing, but what about the lie that I had to say to keep the burden to myself? Can that be justified as a right lie for preventing bigger harm?
Answer:
There seems to be quite a bit of confusion as to what constitutes a sin. Sin is breaking God's law (I John 3:4). So, going out drinking, which generally means alcohol would be wrong (take note of the phrase "drinking parties" which sounds like what you were involved in). "Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles -- when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries" (I Peter 4:1-3).
Being someone's girlfriend is not a commitment. This is not a marriage, it is a time when you are mostly dating one guy to decide whether you want to commit to marrying him. You said nothing wrong happened, so why does a kiss have you so upset for a year? That doesn't make sense. Guilt is for doing something wrong. And you're own claim is that nothing wrong happened.
That you spent time with a former boyfriend might be a concern if it was happening regularly. That you went over his house while intoxicated was certainly not the brightest move you could have made. But the fact is that your boyfriend hasn't asked about it in a year, which tells me he doesn't know. There is no reason for him to ask at this point. I doubt anyone is going to spread rumors of it because the likely thing is that everyone has forgotten about it because it wasn't a big deal.
I never tell anyone to lie. If someone asks, it should be answered truthfully. If the lack of information is harmful to a person, then they should be told. If the lack of information causes no harm, then there is no reason to go out of your way to mention something, especially if mentioning something will cause harm. Not mentioning something is not a lie, it is nothing more than keeping something to yourself.
Your obsession with this event seems to indicate that you think more went on than a simple kiss. You feel guilt over "cheating" when no cheating took place. It bothers you that you "lied" when you told no lie. If I had to guess, I suspect that you had feelings for your ex-boyfriend and that is what is actually bothering you. But if you aren't interested in your ex-boyfriend, then just drop the matter.
Question:
Ok, thank you. Your answer was very helpful, but I have a last concern in my mind. If the event does happen that years from now my boyfriend asks me if I went over to my ex's house and if a kiss happened will it be OK for me to deny it? I know that lying is wrong, but I know that when I do own up to what I did, it will be the end for both of us. I don't want my relationship with my boyfriend to end. Will God forgive me for this knowing that when I am asked that I will lie about it?
My point on this matter is I have changed and repented for my sins and telling him the truth will only cause harm to our relationship, and since I don't plan on doing it again can I just deny it and make a silent vow to never lie to him about anything ever again?
Also, I want God to always be on my boyfriend and my side. It bothers me that because of what I did, and what lie I may be telling to deny what I did if I were asked would get God angry with me and not bless my boyfriend and I's relationship. I am lost as to how I will know what God's will for my boyfriend and I should be, and that if He will continue to bless us as a couple because of what I have done, or maybe He will see my boyfriend better off with someone else.
Answer:
If something is wrong, then there are no exceptions. If you are asked in the future, you tell the truth -- period. Look at it this way, the only reason your boyfriend would ask is that he became suspicious about your loyalty anyway. Lying at that point would only make matters worse. If you did lie, then how can you claim repentance since you think lying in that situation is justified?
The problem is that you think this unstable relationship with your boyfriend is more important than obeying God. It is that attitude that is leading you into trouble.
If your relationship is that unstable that a kiss years ago will break the two of you up, then there is much more wrong than a slip-up in the past.
But all of this is suppositions about what might happen.
Question:
Ok, thank you. But right now I keep getting scared that my boyfriend will find out, and I can't get it off my mind every day. I don't want me and my boyfriend to be put in that situation. How can I stop myself from being scared of what's going to happen? I know my worrying habits are very unhealthy.
I pray to God every day during a prayer time I set for especially this that he may bless me and my boyfriend that we may never be put in that situation when he finds out and asks me. But I have also read that God grants prayers if it is in His will, I began thinking then what if it's not in God's will for me and my boyfriend to be together? Do you think this is possible? Will he still hear my prayers?
Answer:
Whether you worry or not must be your own choice. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (Matthew 6:34).
God grants prayers if they are according to His will, or in other words according to His teachings. For example, if you are having sex with your boyfriend, then of course God isn't going to grant prayers for you two to continue committing fornication.
