I can’t get past the fact that my boyfriend is not a virgin
Question:
Hello!
Thank you so much for your website. It has helped a lot. However, I wanted to ask if you had any advice for a woman who has saved herself for marriage and is courting a man who hasn't. I have found it extremely difficult to accept his past. I feel like he will be comparing me to his past women and that they had pieces of him that I will never get. The reason I have waited is that God wants us to wait. God wants the best for us, and I really believe that sex before marriage ruins a person. I've read stories where people get attached to the person and can never forget the experience. I have heard about men wishing they hadn't had sex with other women but their wives because they can't be intimate with her. I'm just so afraid that he will never be able to be intimate with me the way God intended it. I mean he has shared so much of himself already, what will he share with me? It just feels like I waited and waited and for no good reason. I feel like waiting for marriage only works if both do it. How can I get over all these feelings? I know I need to forgive him but how?
Answer:
I'm assuming that this man has truly repented of his past.
What you are saying is that a person cannot truly change after committing sexual sins. Yet that is the opposite of what Paul said, "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God" (I Corinthians 6:9-11).
Most definitely there are problems caused by pre-marital sex, and no one should be involved in fornication, but I can also say the same about alcohol, drugs, lying, stealing, and a host of others sins. Sins impact people, but to say sins permanently ruin a person takes the matter beyond what God has said. What it comes down to is that you have a greater requirement than God has set for marriage. You think that only virgins can marry and have a truly happy marriage. God never says this in His Book. I've known couples who weren't virgins at their wedding who still have wonderful marriages. Yes, they had a few more obstacles to overcome, but nothing that was out of anyone's reach.
My guess is that he isn't going to have difficulty comparing you to others. I think it is going to be the other way around. With your current attitude, you are going to see yourself competing with the phantoms of his past. He doesn't care about the girls of the past. That is why he is not with them. That is why he changed. The one he cares about is the one he marries and has given his life to.
But, if you are going to hold his mistakes against him, then you are going to ruin your marriage and his life. If you can't acknowledge that his sins were forgiven, then you need to end this friendship immediately because you are giving him false hopes. He needs to move on to find a faithful Christian for a wife (Matthew 6:14-15). He needs someone to walk with him to heaven, not someone who keeps reminding him of the sins he left behind.
Do people have problems with sex in their marriage? Definitely. Are those problems caused by pre-marital sex that was repented of? Not likely. I suspect that there are a number of factors causing the problems but blaming pre-marital sex is easier than saying it is your own fault.
Now, if he has just recently stopped fooling around or shows signs that he hasn't really repented of his past, then this is another matter. It would mean that he hasn't given up his sins and I would not recommend marrying someone who excuses having sex outside of marriage.
What you did was the right thing by waiting for marriage for sex. That someone you love fell into the snare of the devil is a matter of sorrow and the fact that he has left sin behind is a matter of rejoicing. I am sure that if he would rather that his past sins did not happen. I think all of us can say the same thing. But life is not about the past, it is about the future.
