I am struggling with knowing what God's will is for my life. I read the Bible, attend daily masses a few times a week, and pray frequently asking God to clearly show me His will for my life.
I have a severe anxiety disorder called agoraphobia (fear of crowded places) and have allowed fear and emotion to control me. I constantly work toward a better life with decreased anxiety and fear.
I have been dating a man for over ten years, and during most of those years, we have lived together. For the past two years, we didn't have any affection in the relationship, and communication has always been an issue. I felt unloved and unwanted.
Almost a year ago, I met a man at a bridal shower. I was introduced to him by the bride's dad. A couple of weeks later he asked to be my friend on a social media site. We began messaging each other once in a while. I felt guilty about it because I was in a relationship and explained to him I had a boyfriend. I asked him to stop messaging me, and he did. Then I saw him months later at the wedding and was attracted to him. I very much missed communicating with him. After the wedding, we started to message again infrequently. After a couple of months, we started talking on the phone.
My boyfriend found out when he was near my phone and a message popped up stating this other man will be thinking of me all day. I confessed to my boyfriend and told him I never went on a date with the guy, but I knew it was breaching the trust in our relationship.
Months later and my boyfriend has been the best ever: talkative, attentive, affectionate, concerned for my well-being, etc., and now he wants to get married. He constantly brings it up. He is a great guy, but I don't feel happy. I'm afraid to leave the relationship because I don't want to lose a great guy. I'm afraid my anxiety would increase because he is a big support to me. Financially it would be a struggle. However, I can't say "yes" to getting married when I think of the other guy every day and wonder what life would be like dating him. A mutual friend told me recently that the other guy still has feelings for me. This is all confusing for me because he and I never went on a date. How could both of us have feelings for each other, especially after all these months?
I do love my boyfriend, but if it is true love, would I be thinking of another man? How do I know if it is God's will for me to stay in my current relationship, explore a new relationship or be alone? I question why the other guy came into my life! I question if I should have some space from my boyfriend, get my own place, financially support myself and go on a date with the other guy and see if anything is there. If it is true love with my current boyfriend, then I believe we will find our way back to each other. Would God take me away from a relationship and lead me to another that might be better suited for me?
My family feels like my boyfriend manipulates me and is a big influence in my life. They feel I need to be on my own for a while to get a different perspective!
I will do whatever God's will is. I just need to figure out what His will is. I hope you can shed some light on all this.
Thank you for taking the time to read this! Have a great day!
You've repeatedly said you want to know God's will, but you are living in rebellion against God. You can't have it both ways. You have been committing fornication for years with your boyfriend and you pretend that this is some sort of commitment. But when your boyfriend offers true commitment, you turn it down because another guy might be a better choice. Underneath all of this is a current where you believe God is directing your life of sin.
It is not hard to determine what God wants from you: He wants people to stop sinning. "Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10).
As the Psalmist points out: "If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear" (Psalms 66:18). God does tell us through His teachings how to select a good spouse, but you choose whether to listen to His advice or not. So far you've been ignoring Him. Instead, you use your indecision as an excuse to continue living in sin and then blame God for not being clear about what you should do with your life. This isn't God's problem, it is a problem of your own making. But it also means the solution is within yourself as well.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and depart from evil" (Proverbs 3:5-7).