I am about to marry and I love her dearly, but she constantly nags and complains
Question:
Sir,
I'm engaged to marry this wonderful lady in less than two months' time, whom I have dated for about 2 years. I describe her as wonderful because she is modest, she has done a great job guiding her virginity to date, and she is over 30 years of age. I call her wonderful because, during all this time of dating her, she has represented the kind of woman described in Proverbs 31. These qualities attracted me to want to marry her. But the only fault I found in her is consistent nagging and complaining. When she starts nagging, I will avoid her for the moment and come back when she calms down, which she accompanies with 'I'm sorry, please forgive me '. Of course, I always forgive her, but the cycle continues on and gets worse as our wedding day gets closer.
I'm tired and confused because she is modest, God-fearing, and has many other good qualities, which are scarce in the world of today, which is laden with promiscuous women. She doesn't live promiscuously, like having sex, drinking, clubbing, and all that. The only fault is this nagging and complaining. If she sees that I have become angry because of nagging and complaining, she will start apologizing.
I have discussed this with her. She promises to work on herself, but no progress in terms of change has taken place. I really wish she will stop nagging, if she does, then she is a perfect woman.
Please, I need your counsel.
Answer:
The book of Proverbs contains a number of warnings about a contentious woman:
"A foolish son is destruction to his father, and the contentions of a wife are a constant dripping" (Proverbs 19:13).
"It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman" (Proverbs 21:9).
"It is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing woman" (Proverbs 21:19).
"It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman" (Proverbs 25:24).
"A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike; he who would restrain her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand" (Proverbs 27:15-16).
Clearly, there is a message here. Often you can put up with a problem for a while, but when it never ends, the irritation just magnifies. As Proverbs 27:15-16 states, you can't make a contentious person quit.
However, you should also examine your relationship and see if you are not encouraging this behavior. Often a woman will resort to nagging and complaints because she doesn't feel her views are being considered. Even when you disagree with her, you should mention what you understood her view to be and then explain why you decided to choose differently. At least she then knows you heard her.
Another problem is that men tend to look for the quickest solution to a problem, while women tend to look for the best solution to a problem. Men too often take offense when a woman continues to poke at a problem, thinking they disrespect their solution because they have not dropped the matter. However, it is just not how a woman thinks or operates. She is constantly questioning choices and trying to look at problems in several different ways. Sometimes a fast solution is good, but sometimes it is better to spend more time considering options. If this is the problem, then you need to be clear when a decision is done. "Honey, it may not be the best solution, but it needs to be the one we are going with because we can't continue to revisit it."
But if you are finding that she is never happy with anything you do or decide, then realize that it won't change after marriage. The time to fix this is now. Consider it a joint problem and talk about how you both can better communicate. But if you can't solve it, then I would suggest that you seriously rethink whether you want this for the rest of your life.
