Question:

Good evening sir,

I need advice. I'm dating my brother's ex-girlfriend. They dated for almost five years. It ended when my brother got another girl pregnant and he eventually ended up marrying the other girl. Five years after the breakup, I developed feelings for her, and when I told her, she told me that she felt the same way about me.

I told my brother about it. At first, he was furious and told me I'm a stranger and that we were no longer brothers. We always had a good relationship. Now, after two years of me and her dating, he is starting to understand that I love this girl. However, his wife has told him that he will never be in the same room as my girlfriend. My family disapproves of it because my brother told them we will never be in one place if I ever marry this girl.

I need advice on how to handle this because I don't want to see my decision destroy the family I have; yet, I can't bear to lose this girl. I love her.

Answer:

I'm assuming that you and the woman you are dating are not having sex. I bring this up because it is clear from your question that your brother was having sex with multiple women. He only married one of them because he got her pregnant. Given his nature, I have to assume that he had sex with your girlfriend back when they were dating. I'm just hoping that you are not imitating his behavior.

This is why he was initially mad at you for dating his ex-girlfriend. He didn't like the idea that your choice implies that he made a mistake in who he decided to marry. This is also why his wife doesn't want him to be around his old girlfriend. She doesn't trust him. After all, he was having sex with her while dating his old girlfriend. He has shown himself to be untrustworthy around women.

I suspect your family is unhappy because they simply want peace between you and your brother.

It comes down to the fact that you are considering marrying a woman. That decision is completely up to you and the woman. Other people can give you advice, but the decision remains your own. That is why the Bible states that marriage starts with "a man shall leave his father and mother" (Genesis 2:24). For a marriage to work, you have to first disconnect yourself from your family and realize that you are responsible for your own choices.

Your choices will cause other people to in turn make choices. Some you will like and others you won't like. However, you need to realize that you can't make choices for other people, just as they cannot make your choices. If you decide to marry this woman, it might be that you won't see your brother very often -- at least at first. I suspect that over time his wife will calm down if she sees there is no desire between him and your wife.

Plan your wedding -- assuming you and she decide to get married. Invite your family and friends. Some will come and some won't, but that will be their choice. Then plan on living as husband and wife on your own, without much help from your family. Hopefully, over time, everyone will calm down and accept each other.

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