How do I deal with a boyfriend who won’t respect boundaries?
Question:
Dear brothers in Christ,
I am writing to you because I need your advice. My soul is weary, and my heart is exhausted.
I am a Christian girl in my mid-twenties. I worship in a church of Christ. I grew up in a Christian family. Only one of my siblings didn't become a Christian. My mother left the faith, but my father continues to practice it. My sister and I feel that our home is very weak and lacks spirituality. We have never felt fully understood or supported spiritually and emotionally. Our parents never put God first in their lives. Therefore, we do not have a spiritually mature figure who can understand us and guide us, as we have seen in many other Christian families, where parents serve as a support and guide to their children. I am writing to you because my sister and I don't have much else to hold on to.
I was baptized when I was 13 years old, although I don't think I made the conscious decision of what it really meant to die in baptism and to be born as a new person, being a living sacrifice. Due to my age and maybe my unconsciousness, I was off the path for nearly a decade. I plan to be baptized again in the future, if possible.
During that time, I did what I wanted, acted as I wanted, and committed many sins that I never should have. Some time ago, I begged God for forgiveness with all my heart, looking for a change and realizing it. To this day, every time I pray, I continue to ask Him for forgiveness since I do not feel worthy of Him because of my past as an apostate Christian. Still, I believe I had strong values (humanly speaking). I tried to be a good-hearted person as I grew up (still not attending church), and the spiritual afterlife always awakened something in me, questioning, at times, on a daily basis.
My restlessness reached the level where I researched other religions, looking for the why of it all. I inquired about Buddhism, esotericism (which I also practiced), and science. I was even a bit agnostic, doubting the existence of the Christian God.
My life improved when I drew near to God. I prayed, asking Him for guidance and to bring me closer to the truth, and that is how, step by step, I am coming back to Him.
I am currently in a stable relationship with a guy. He isn't a member of the church, though he is a believer in God. He has a lot of faith. I have been with him for a year. He is a lovely person, has values, and gets along well with my family. We are both happy. I talk to him most of the time about the Bible. We debate about it. He still doesn't know the truth, and I tell him to pray that God can help him, just as he did with me when I was like a lost sheep. He had no partner for a long time, and he prayed to God to give him a woman to bring him closer to God. Then we met.
I am trying my best to get him to trust Christ's Church. I am changing as a person, becoming more caring and making changes for myself and for him so that he sees that God's word has the power to change people and fill their hearts with love. I know I must be his example, and Christ must be an example for me. However, he is still not convinced about becoming a Christian.
Because I am surrendering more and more to the Lord, I brought up the subject of the sins of the flesh. I am still a virgin. I told him that I could only have sex if we both got married, and he agreed, saying that he would wait for me until marriage. The problem was when I eventually told him that we also should not do sensual acts with each other since God asks for a holy courtship. After a hard talk, he told me that he was unwilling to do this since he felt that being his partner, he should also give me bodily affection; otherwise, with time, he would end up seeing me as a friend. I was very sad to see that he did not accept. I did not want to eat and suffered daily anxiety. I looked for help and advice from my sister. She counseled me, telling me that I should put God first in my life.
It is costing me a lot. I love him; he is a valuable man, but I know I should love God more and put him first. I am lost. I pray every day and ask in prayer that he can be a Christian. I love his soul and don't want him to be lost, but I don't want to lose mine. He is the best guy I could find. He understands and cares for me. I knew guys before him, but none knew how to value or treat me well. For the first time, I felt at peace in a relationship.
The young people in the church cannot understand me since they were fortunate enough to travel to the United States and meet young Christians with whom to practice holy courtship. Now everyone is married. However, our parents did not put interest in helping me and my sister to be in fellowship with other young Christians when we were teenagers, and now, I feel distressed because my boyfriend does not fully accept holy courtship.
I feel lost. I don't know what to do. I know that we should abandon everything for Christ, but there are no Christian youth in my country. I feel that I cannot see more horizons.
I have asked the Lord for help and patience to help me in this spiritual struggle. I don't know what will happen. I don't know if someday my partner will give himself to God or if I will meet a Christian person who will understand me. Where I live, there are hardly any Christians, and the environment is very, very worldly. Here, almost everyone is an atheist, and promiscuity abounds.
I don't know what will happen to me. Will I meet someone Christian, or will he change? Or will I stay alone forever? I love him very much, but I love God more and must follow the right path. I feel that I am not yet ready to go through this test.
Thank you for reading this. I love you all very much. Blessings. Pray for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Answer:
Living a godly life is easy when everything goes properly. The real test is when it looks hard. Will you stay with Christ regardless?
You noted two problems with your boyfriend. He claims to believe in God, but he isn't interested in being a Christian. I suspect that he thinks he is adequate as he is. You didn't mention if he attends church anywhere or subscribes to a particular set of beliefs. The second problem is that he follows God's moral standards only to a certain point. You make it sound as if he agreed not to have sex until marriage only as a way to please you. However, he won't give up sexual touching, and I assume you are going further than just touching. He believes he has a right to it by claiming to be your boyfriend. He doesn't understand that dating doesn't give one person rights over another person's body. His excuse that he is afraid he will just see you as a friend is a poor excuse. Marriage should be about marrying your friend, and your friend should respect you.
God said, "It is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1). A man has no business sexually touching a woman he isn't married to. The reason is simple: it leads to fornication.
Marrying a man who doesn't believe as you do is going to cause you strain. You want to get closer to God. He isn't that interested in God. The odds are that he will eventually pull you away from the Lord. Every little excuse will be used to stay home, not be a part of a church, and not to do as the Lord commands. The problems become even more pronounced when you start having children. He will want to raise his children to be like himself, and you will want to raise them to be like yourself.
Your sister is right. He is a nice man, but he is not the type of man you should marry. Finding Christians is difficult. Perhaps you and your sister can save up to travel together and visit other congregations. Some Christians had luck with dating apps (see Meeting Other Members of the Church of Christ). Or, you attempt to convert young adults and hope among them there is a man who would make you a good husband.
