Should my friend leave her drug-abusing husband?
Question:
I was Googling information on divorce for my best friend, and I came across this site with all of the women getting advice so I figured I would try to explain the situation as best as I can without leaving important information out.
My friend got pregnant when we were in high school, with a guy who is three years older. We were not friends at that time. I only saw things from the outside which was not much because she left school for a while. She was there for finals and all. Anyway, she continued her education to where now she is almost finished with college. We became friends our senior year in high school, so have now been friends for only a few years but are extremely close. It is just an "effortless friendship. It just comes naturally" as she likes to say.
I did not even meet the guy who got her pregnant at first because he worked out of state. To our current knowledge, while he was there, he cheated and did drugs continuously. He proposed while he was in town for a while from his work, and they planned to have a wedding for the summer after our high school graduation. But their relationship was just not solid because of the drugs. They fought a lot. Sometimes I found him abusive and although she can fight back for herself, I believe she should not at all have to. Anyway, before the wedding, she called it off -- extremely brave in my opinion. She completely left him and moved into her own place with her child all on her own.
But months later, after a lot of counseling, their relationship was much better and they were married. They now have another child. We grew apart for a while after she was married. She was a married lady, and I was also married. But now that we have become close again, she has talked to me, and I have witnessed first hand, that he is very emotionally abusive and fights with her just to use it as an excuse to storm out of their house to party and drug it up with his old high school friends who don't seem to want to grow up. The drugs are very bad. We are not fully sure how bad, but we know it is to the point of using needles. He constantly is messed up around his daughter and even drives with them in the car messed up. The oldest daughter can even point at a drug dealer's house saying "daddy goes there."
She wants to believe he will get better; I believe he never will. His drug use is now a 10-year thing. She wants to do good for herself but his drug problem pulls them down financially so badly. I left my husband of only a few months because he was abusive, cheated on me, and used drugs. I left him while he ran off to another state one night. My marriage was a huge mistake but divorce was the right thing in God's eyes I believe, but it took me a long time and a lot of support from my pastor to finally be OK with divorcing him. I do not know what God thinks in her situation, I want to believe divorce is OK for her too. I just don't know. I don't want it to be wrong because I know she could do amazing things if he wasn't dragging her down.
Answer:
It might seem strange, but much of your friend's problems stem from her lying to herself. She had sex with a guy she knew was a druggie and got pregnant as a result. Though she saw evidence that he was continuing to use and had a problem with anger, she agreed to marry him. She wised up for a period of time when she called off the wedding but fooled herself into thinking that counseling would solve the problems. Despite all the warnings, she married him anyway. I'm pointing the obvious out because I don't know if she will listen to sound advice.
Divorce is always bad because it means there are unresolved sins involved. " "For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence," says the LORD of hosts. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously" " (Malachi 2:16). It isn't always the one asking for the divorce who is in the wrong, but sin still remains.
For the sake of her own safety, and that of her children, she needs to insist that her husband moves out until he is clean from drugs for at least a year. To make sure that it is done properly, she needs to hire a good lawyer because he should not end up with partial custody of the children while he is straightening out his life. The separation will also keep his drug use from destroying the family's finances.
A separation or a divorce because of his drug use will not allow her to remarry. "Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife" (I Corinthians 7:10-11). It is only in cases where she knows he has been having sex with others that she could have the right to remarry, as happened in your case. "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery" (Matthew 19:9).
I would suggest that she not be in a hurry to remarry, even if she was able to do so. She has two children to raise and they don't need her distracted by romance. Plus, she needs to learn more about herself and God's way so that she doesn't repeat the mistakes of her past.
