My husband knows I cheated, but should I tell him the details?
Question:
Several years ago, I cheated on my husband with a couple of different men. Intercourse did not occur with any of them, but other things did. A year ago, I told my husband that I had cheated back then, and whom I had cheated with. My confession was based on my own prompting, lead by God. He never asked, although, I'm sure he suspected. My husband forgave me. He said that as long as we focused on each other and God - nothing else mattered. Since then, I focused my energy on loving my husband, being the wife God intended, rebuilding our marriage, and drawing close to God. We've immersed ourselves in church and activities with other Christians. My husband has noticed the change in me. Our marriage has positively grown. I have removed each of the guys from my life by cutting off all communication. If they try to contact me, I tell my husband about it and did not respond to them. As the Bible says to do, I make sure to protect myself from temptation. I do this by not allowing myself to be alone with or communicate alone with other men.
The problem is that I wasn't honest regarding the details of the cheating. When I saw the pain it caused, I lost my courage, panicked, and said it was just kissing. I know how unbelievably stupid, gutless, wrong, etc. that was. There is no excuse for it. At times, I am overwhelmed by the guilt of the lie. I don't know if it's conviction or condemnation. I've confessed to God and asked for His forgiveness many times. When I feel overwhelmed, I tell my husband that I struggle with past sin. He tells me that the past is over and forgotten and that all that matters is our present and future. I don't want to lose my husband. My heart aches as I hear his laughter across the room right now. I love him more than anything, except God, of course.
I found your website during one of the overwhelming periods. I noticed your advice to several cheaters regarding not making the other person hold the burden of the sin too. I also noticed that you gave advice to a non-virgin to tell his girlfriend the truth about his virginity.
What would be your advice in my case? Should I tell him the details, or should this be my burden to carry?
Answer:
You said you were lead by God to tell your husband in the first place. Yet, I know of no passage that requires such. I am glad that he took it so well. You've married a good man.
If you are going to argue that you must tell your husband, then first you need to show where in the Scriptures does God require it. I don't know of any. Lacking that, then you would need to show how this information would benefit your husband and your relationship. But again, I don't see how it could and you admit that you see great potential for harm.
You are not the woman you used to be. You've changed for the better. Leave it at that. "Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:13-14). There is more than enough to do to move forward, so don't waste time being bogged down in the past.
Your husband accepted the fact that you sinned in your past and forgave you of it. He didn't ask for the details. I suspect he would have preferred not to have known at all. Forcing the details won't do you any good because it won't change the past. It won't do your husband any good. He's told you repeatedly that he doesn't care about the details, respect him for that kindness.
The reason I told the young man to admit his past is that his girlfriend thinks virginity is important (I would tell her that she should not make that a deal-breaker). She asked, and because he knew it was important to her, he lied. That is why I told him to straighten it out. She is making a decision based on false information. If a guy was not a virgin and his girlfriend never asked, then I would tell him to leave his past behind because it is not important to the future unless he suspects he might have a child somewhere -- then his future wife needs to know.
