You didn’t show compassion
Question:
Hello,
The post titled "I grew up in a family that didn’t love or want me. How do I learn to love?" is not compassionate.
Many verses are thrown out there, but I don’t see the truth being spoken in love. You are lambasting a broken man. At best, I find this article not helpful. That isn’t to say that the sin shouldn’t be addressed, but please consider your words more carefully and try to show more compassion.
Answer:
I find it amusing how people assume that when another does not answer something in the manner they would choose, the other person is doing so for negative reasons.
- You claim that truth wasn't being spoken, yet you never stated what falsehood was said.
- You don't like the fact that I backed up what I said with Scripture. You leave the impression that using Scripture is automatically uncaring.
- You find the answer unhelpful, though it wasn't directed at you. You made an assumption about how it was received without evidence. "Do not contend with a man without cause, if he has done you no harm" (Proverbs 3:30).
The one positive is that you admit that the man's sin needed to be addressed, which you admit the answer did address, but you didn't like how it was worded.
From my viewpoint, the most important thing is restoring a person's relationship with God. I briefly discussed the cause of his depression. I pointed out that he was using his past as an excuse to avoid doing right currently. I also pointed out that in his depression, he was hyperfocused on the bad things that happened in his past, and he was discounting the good that was also there. I emphasized that the future can be changed, and he is able to make changes in his life.
I'm left with the conclusion that you are like an "armchair quarterback." You aren't actually extending efforts to improve the lives of others, but you have strong opinions about how you think other people should do their work. I hope I'm wrong about you. I might not be the best at advising people, but I do what I can.
Question:
Sorry. My wording wasn’t clear. I know you were speaking the truth because you were speaking from the Bible. My statement was that you were not speaking with love, or at least it felt that way. I believe Bible verses can be used with care and carelessly, depending on the user's heart. I shouldn’t judge your heart because maybe you were trying to love the person. I should have only spoken to how I received your words. I know the words weren’t technically for me, but I did receive them as they were recorded in public.
Your response seemed harsh to me. It felt like you were telling this person to look at their situation differently without acknowledging how much he has suffered. It seems to me that compassion would have been helpful, too, or at least it would have helped how I received your words. That said, I’m not a professional minister, nor has God called me to be one.
I’m probably out of my lane on this one, so I apologize. I’m especially sorry for my knee-jerk criticism of your post that led to contention between us. I should have sought understanding instead. May God bless your ministry.
Answer:
I appreciate your response. As I've mentioned several times in the past, God teaches us that different approaches are needed for different people in different situations. "And have mercy on some, who are doubting; save others, snatching them out of the fire; and on some have mercy with fear, hating even the garment polluted by the flesh" (Jude 22-23). There isn't a one-size-fits-all way to deal with people's problems.
The other problem is that language is ambiguous by its nature. We don't say everything and expect the listener to fill in the gaps. Unfortunately, how you fill in the gaps will differ from how the original person received the letter. Misunderstandings arise due to misinterpreting word choices, making assumptions based on your own perspective, not fully considering the context, overlooking subtle nuances in tone, failing to grasp the author's intended meaning, and being influenced by your own biases and preconceived notions (essentially, reading too much into the text or not reading enough between the lines, which can lead to inaccurate interpretations). These are all exasperated by the lack of visual clues and tonal inflections in the written word.
I noted that the person was extremely emotional and was not reasoning well. What typically helps such a person is a clear, logical response. He didn't need his emotions supported because they were leading him down the wrong path. You perceived the answer as lacking compassion, but that conclusion was not based on what was said. You drew it from how you would have taken it if this was told to you. Yet, you aren't depressed and overemotional at the time you read my response. You decided I had no compassion for the man, though that conclusion was wrong. Allow me to recommend "9 causes of miscommunication (and how to fix them)" by Randi Sherman.
By the way, I am not saying your approach would not work. Multiple approaches could work. I'm only saying that I've had success with the approach that I took.