I am 24 years old, a single female, living in a liberal yet strict family.
Since the age of 2 or 3, I had been molested by my grandfather until I was in 10th grade. In midst of my 6th to 10th grade, my cousin who is older than me also started molesting me. I do not why, but I also reciprocated it. Somehow I feel I started liking it unknowingly. Once when I was on a short visit to another cousin's home, he also molested me and I somehow allowed him. Up until now, I have been molested by 2 men and 1 woman. But it was my grandfather who did it for the longest period and hate him to my core. I would be happy when he dies.
I never had friends in school and the one friend that I made left me because she was too rich and I could not match her standard of partying and living.
When I entered college, I was very happy and felt I can do everything that I wanted, like drama, dance, sports, etc., which I was never allowed in school because no one would select me for their team. I was a diva back at college.
But I started chatting on the net with a stranger, who I thought loved me. He came a couple of times to my hometown and he touched my private parts, which I allowed but very disapprovingly, and then broke up from him because I hated it.
Then in my second year in college, I met a guy in mysterious ways. I strongly believe it was a plot against me because I feel I was a girl whom every guy wanted to be his girlfriend but I would not be. However, I fell for this guy, even though he was 10 years older than me. He was not my professor or anybody from the college. He was an outsider. I kept meeting him, then started to go to his home and I started being physical with him. I loved him. For the first time in my life, I loved someone touching me. I trusted him and told him about my childhood which I had not told even my parents. But he ditched me in 5 months and married another girl.
I was devastated. I cried for many months. My health deteriorated. I lost all I had in me. I lost my self-respect, confidence and hated myself more.
Since then I had three males in my life and I have been physical with them all. The first male who entered my life after my breakup ditched me after one month, as he was shifting and could not marry me because I was not of his religion. We became physical twice with the upper body. The second male I loved was with me since my breakup as my friend. I never saw him in a boyfriend until after the first guy. He and I started dating but didn't become physical until some months later. But gradually it started, though we always become physical with all our clothes on. We never removed our clothes. He ditched me because I was not acceptable to his mother, as I am a Christian.
Since then, I have felt a little bad about being a Christian because Christ never saves me from such wolves. Christ made me so sensitive, made me so dumb that I trust people easily, and then they hurt me.
Right now I am with a guy who truly loves me. We have been together for almost a year now. He loves me a lot, but again he can't marry me because of his mother. I have been sexually involved with him completely, but I have not lost my virginity. I like being with him. He consoles me, shows me the right way, asks me to think for myself. I have told him that I do not want to get sexually involved and I swear we have tried so many times but somehow fail. I have huge guilt. I don't trust myself.
I lost connection with God. When I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade, I have a very feeble memory of hearing God's voice saying He is with me. I do not know whether it is my imagination, but I have had this memory since I was a kid.
My only dream is to be married and have a loving husband and a beautiful home. I love kids, so I want to have my own kids. I have always hated myself for:
- being the target of sexual activity
- allowing people to use me, in spite of the fact that I hate it. I cry when I am alone, feel angry and disgusted about myself for allowing others to do so
- I do not feel any feelings anymore, except for anger, irritation, frustration, and guilt after my break up in the second year of college. I do not feel the same love for the three males who entered my life after my break up with the older man. I actually do not feel any love for them, but I liked staying with them and never wanted to use them but just wanted to get married.
- I sometimes curse God for this life.
- I don't trust God for several years, but I want to trust Him as I did when I was a kid and wanted to become a nun.
Please help me. I need guidance, and I want to repent. I want to become His kid again. I have lost hope for myself. Only His miracle can save me from me. Only His miracle can now prove to me that He has not given up on me. Please help, please, I beg. I am a good girl with a bad life. Please help. Please, do not answer in philosophical terms but answer in a practical, realistic, and logical way. Please tell me passages from the Bible to repent.
Please God bless your community!
"Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am tempted by God"; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed" (James 1:13-14).
For the most part, you are blaming God for not protecting you from your own bad choices. What your grandfather did was despicable. There is no excuse for his sin. However, you were a child then and could not be responsible for an adult's sinful actions. Your female cousin also took advantage of your inexperience to encourage you to join her in homosexual sins. But somewhere in this period, you came to realize that what was being done was wrong, but you chose to please others even though you did not like it yourself. A bad childhood does not mean you are trapped to do evil yourself.
What happened in college can only be attributed to your own choices. You want someone to take care of you so badly that you are willing to compromise yourself because you think that will get a guy to stay with you. You do this even though history tells you it doesn't work because you think may this time it will be different.
It is sad that you blame God for all of this when you haven't been following His teachings. Why is it God's fault that you have been ignoring Him? Why is it His fault that you get the bad consequences He warns about in His Word when you do not listen to Him? If you want good to come, you have to live godly. "And why not say, "Let us do evil that good may come"? -- as we are slanderously reported and as some affirm that we say. Their condemnation is just" (Romans 3:8). Good does not result from sin.
If you want a Christian husband, then you have to date Christian men. If you want a godly man, then you have to reject the men who behave in an ungodly fashion. "The night is far spent, the day is at hand. Therefore let us cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armor of light. Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts" (Romans 13:12-14).
Despite your misery, you never once changed who you picked men or how you behaved with them. Yet, you see this as other people's fault. No one can make you do what is right. That has to be your choice. "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11).
Claiming to be a Christian is not enough to actually be one. "But why do you call Me 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do the things which I say?" (Luke 6:46). It is past time to actually listen to God. See: What Must I Do to be Saved?