You wrote once that suicide never solves anything. But putting that aside (because that comes with its own baggage), what if all you ever were meant to do was accept Jesus authentically and be saved -- that's all God ever had planned for you? There is no other plan. One may sincerely hope there was -- that God would use a person to glorify Him, to have a real purpose, but what if He's not talking to that person? What if all it is really a one-sided relationship and engagement. Just crickets, no direction or purpose?
All sins are equal, even suicide. God forgives the sin. He hates the sin but loves the sinner. He will forgive one's orchestration of an early exit if you truly seek forgiveness -- won't He? An individual may be teetering on the edge of something and have reconciled it emotionally and in terms of strategic planning, but what if that person is unclear on the spiritual ramifications? Overriding God is not good and certainly does not glorify Him. But if a person no longer has a purpose or adds value, that's also not good -- just existing, wasting people's time and drifting is not a purpose. It's pointless, so if (hypothetically) God's intent was to draw a person, and He did, and that person repented of all past sins, accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior, and prayed daily (a seriously frustrating one-sided dialogue -- assuming, of course, hypothetically it is), studied God's word daily and endeavored with His help to be the child He had planned for that person to be, then implementing an exit seems like a fairly rational option because where there's really nothing more and the person is just drifting aimlessly with no point or value, why continue to drift?
Someone famous said, and I don't know who, stupidity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. So changing course on an earthly level will produce a different result (in my head). Repentance means being deeply contrite and sorrowful and that you won't engage in sinful behavior again. Well, you can't kill yourself twice, which mitigates the risk of repeat behavior and contrition and sorrow -- yes that would be addressed. But the lack of clarity on forgiveness is still dancing around my mind. Spiritually, is forgiveness off the table? Is there a Scriptural passage that addresses this?
Thank you, keep up the fabulous work God has called you to do, and all the very best.
You make so many false assumptions that it is no wonder that you reach a false conclusion.
God's plan for every person is to serve Him. "The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: fear God and keep His commandments, because this applies to every person" (Ecclesiastes 12:13). It has never been limited to just getting saved. The greatest commands are to love God and to love your neighbor (Matthew 22:36-40). Both require doing deeds to serve God and others. But in your view, you only think about serving yourself.
Communication with God is not one-sided. The reason you know a small portion of what God wants you to do is because of the Bible and it seems there is a large portion of His message that you haven't listened to. Our communication to God is through our prayers to Him. See Communication Between God and Man.
Sins are forgiven when they are repented of. Repentance means to change direction and to change your attitude toward sin. Sorrow leads to repentance, but it is not the act of repentance. "For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death. For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what avenging of wrong! In everything you demonstrated yourselves to be innocent in the matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11). You cannot repent of something before you do it because if you did repent, then you would not do it.
Suicide is a sin. But if you successfully killed yourself, then there would be no opportunity to change your behavior or attitude that lead to you needlessly killing yourself. Without repentance, there is no forgiveness.
Throughout this note, you assume that you are best qualified to decide if your life has value. Such cannot be. You don't know all the impact you make in the lives of those around you. You don't know what tomorrow will hold, let alone five, ten, or fifty years from now. Your view of "value" is emotionally determined by you and that is always inaccurate.
Instead of wanting someone else to make your life valuable, get busy doing things of value for God and other people. Set yourself reasonable goals and work toward accomplishing them. "Indeed, if a man should live many years, let him rejoice in them all, and let him remember the days of darkness, for they will be many. Everything that is to come will be futility. Rejoice, young man, during your childhood, and let your heart be pleasant during the days of young manhood. And follow the impulses of your heart and the desires of your eyes. Yet know that God will bring you to judgment for all these things. So, remove grief and anger from your heart and put away pain from your body, because childhood and the prime of life are fleeting" (Ecclesiastes 11:8-10). There is enough sorrow in life without you generating additional unhappiness for yourself. Instead, look for the fun in life and enjoy the time you have here on earth.