What can I do? My husband seems to have no desire for sex
Question:
Hello,
I am a woman and my question is regarding sexual lust and perversion; therefore, you can understand my asking you and not my home pastor, especially when most churches still regard women who struggle with these sorts of issues with a certain type of disdain.
As were most females with my issues you can probably guess that I was, indeed sexually molested as a child. It was by a close family member who had access to me daily and nightly, and the violation was of such a nature that my body responded naturally as any human response to that type of stimuli, and the experience was not at all painful in any way. The violator took great care to make the experience as pleasant as possible to ensure that reoffending with me would not be a difficult task for him. I am all grown up now and even after years of therapy I view the violation with very mixed feelings. The greater part of me vehemently abhors what he did and he has never been around my children and will never be. But there is a small portion of me that still responds when I involuntarily remember the incidents. The thought of any child other than myself being violated causes me to react with great violence, but the thought of myself being violated in such a manner... well, you get the picture, I am sure.
Now I am married to a relatively gentle man, but he is more like a woman than I am. See, now as a result of the violation, even after all these years of therapy and such, I still struggle with sex addiction. Now, let me be abundantly clear that I am in no way inclined to engage in similar behaviors to that of my violator, but anyone over the age of 18 once upon a time was fair game. Gender was not an issue. Since coming to Christ, I have ceased in my sexual immorality, but now my husband will not engage in sexual relations with me.
You can imagine my frustration in going from intensely passionate sexual encounters where anything goes to be monogamous to one man alone only to find he has no sex drive. I have to beg for it, and even then, he falls asleep on me sometimes. And it is not like I am a prude in the bed. I am a very passionate person, eager to please my mate, and being married and faithful to one person wouldn't even be an issue for me if I were getting sex from my husband more than once monthly. But I am fortunate if I even get that. We have gone more than a couple of months before. I didn't say anything to see how long it would take before he looked at me with desire again, and it took almost a full two and a half months.
Now, I understand that after having children and heart surgery that put me in a place where I was unable to do much caused me to pack on some pounds, and now as I am slowly losing that weight, the skin is not shrinking and that is extremely unattractive. But even the most blue-blooded man on the planet can still find himself aroused under stimuli in the darkness. I mean, I am happy to keep the lights off. I am so desperate at this point that he doesn't even have to think of me in the process just as long as he can perform and make it satisfactory. But he is lazy in the bedroom and lackadaisical in life in general.
I mean, I can understand being tired if you work a lot, but he has one job like any normal man, doesn't even work that many hours, comes home and falls asleep, he is either on a video game, eating, or sleeping, and he says he is happy. I said before he is a gentle man, that is as long as I leave him to his own devices and don't complain too much about him not leading us in devotions, or fulfilling his other husbandly duties besides you know, bringing in some money. he never hits us, but sometimes he does yell.
All that being said, as a result of his aversion to sex, I struggle with sexual sin, and perverted thoughts and longings. Sometimes it gets to the point where even a strange man or woman on the streets looks worth sinning against God and myself over, I get that bad off for lack of release. I almost think he wants me to cheat so he will have a reason to leave. But when I ask for a divorce, he says he won't sign the papers. So, he doesn't "want" me but he doesn't want anyone else to either? Makes no sense to me. Make note I will never be with a woman again, but I pointed out that at those times when the struggle is at its worst is when even women start looking good again to me. I don't indulge. I just take the matters into my own hands so to speak, but that cannot replace the feel of human contact. I want the sexual content with the lovemaking. I truly long for my husband. It breaks my heart that he won't fulfill those needs, because truly, minister, if he would, I would not have these struggles.
When we were first married, he was happy to oblige, and I was content in the marriage. He does not have a disorder in the area, he just has no drive. Well, it's not a medical issue that Viagra can solve. He can get there and even perform, he just doesn't like or want to. Again I ask, what is the best course of action, spiritually speaking that I should take concerning these matters. I am at a loss, what does the Bible say about it? I have searched it and I know sexual perversion to be a sin, and I know the Bible even tells mates to fulfill their duty to one another to prevent each other from falling into sin, and that not doing so is a sin, but when my spouse refuses to fulfill his duties to me, what can I do in the mean time, or how should I address this to prevent myself from being tempted to fall into sexual sin, and actually acting it out with another man? I have come so close a few times, but I really love Jesus and not wanting to disappoint Him is what has kept me from it so far. I don't know how much longer that is going to keep working though.
Please help.
Answer:
I don't know if I can help because you are approaching the problem from a "me first" point of view. Yes, your husband has a duty to provide you sex (I Corinthians 7:2-5). Though you say that there is no medical cause, it is not normal for a man to lack a desire for sex. When a husband is not fulfilling his duty to his wife, there is generally one of two causes: He is either finding a way to relieve himself through adultery or pornography or his health is causing a medical issue. From your description of your husband, it sounds as if the former is not the problem.
A test can be done to see if the problems are hormonal or not. Some of your descriptions do match a male who has low testosterone levels. There are inexpensive herbs that can be tried that at least claim to resolve libido problems, such as maca and L-Arginine.
However, you are approaching this from the viewpoint that if you don't get sexual satisfaction then you have a reason to leave your husband or cheat on him. The fact that you are willing to consider sin as a possible option is disturbing. I'm glad you still consider following Christ more important, but the direction of your thoughts is definitely away from Christ. As Solomon pointed out about a man who commits adultery, "So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; Whoever touches her shall not be innocent. People do not despise a thief If he steals to satisfy himself when he is starving. Yet when he is found, he must restore sevenfold; He may have to give up all the substance of his house. Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding; He who does so destroys his own soul" (Proverbs 6:29-32). One has sympathy for a thief who steals to keep from starving; yet, it doesn't change the fact that a crime was done and punishment is required. However, adultery is not the same. There is no sympathy because all understand that it doesn't have to be done.
Your husband appears to have a problem. Help him find a solution to it. "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others" (Philippians 2:3-4).
