We keep committing fornication and I’m losing my love for her. How do I start over again?
Question:
Please bear with me; it's a long story!
Well, I've always asked the Lord for a girl that I can be with for good and worship Him. I even described to the Lord how I wanted her to look. I told Him how I wanted her to be. Soon the Lord answered my prayer and this beautiful girl came into my life.
Now I have a good relationship with God. He uses me in many ways through the Spirit and the Spirit through me. But that's not the point. This girl is also godly and fits the exact description that I asked the Lord my future wife to be.
As time passed we became a couple. She was my first girlfriend and I was her first boyfriend, as well as kiss and everything. Prior to this, I had made a promise to the Lord that I would wait until marriage, but we both lost our virginity to each other and we felt so guilty. But I kept telling the Lord I wouldn't do it again. Pretty soon it was something we both couldn't stop, although we wanted to.
I felt as if the Lord was warning me that if I kept fornicating either I would lose love for her or she would lose love for me. We kept falling into temptation and I was sure in the Spirit that I wanted this girl to be my wife, but I feel like I defied the Lord so much that I lost the love I once had for her. I'm really sad that I don't feel the same way I used to. I kept begging God to restore my feelings for her, but they seem to come and go. All I want is to stop living the life of sin with my girlfriend and restore the love I had for this girl the way it was when I loved her the most. I broke this promise so many countless times.
Is there still hope that the Lord could restore the love I had for my girlfriend? If I truly stop defying His word and not fornicate even though I have so so many times, or should I just break up with her? Although I really don't want to, even though the spark isn't there. Something tells me I should end the relationship because she's not the one. Yet something says that the Lord could do something. The Lord has used us in so many ways already, but I feel like the love is fading just like He warned me! Is it a trick from Satan or is it the Lord? Usually, I know which would be which, but at this point, I'm completely confused! Can the Lord still be the foundation in my relationship even though I've repeatedly broken this promise?
Answer:
I was shaking my head in sadness as I read your letter. There are so many errors in how you look at this situation, which doesn't even include your bad behavior.
You are approaching life using your feelings to guide you instead of your head. "He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but whoever walks wisely will be delivered" (Proverbs 28:26). You base right and wrong upon your own ideas and don't even realize it because you paint your own ideas as if they are the Lord's. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and depart from evil" (Proverbs 3:5-7).
For example, God teaches His people how to find godly mates and what characteristics to look for in a spouse. What did you focus on? Her looks, but that is one thing God said doesn't matter. "Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised" (Proverbs 31:30). I'm glad you find her beautiful, but to think that God sent you this particular woman because you asked for a beautiful wife is foolish thinking on your part.
You repeatedly said you are upset because you broke your promise not to have sex until marriage. You sinned, but you are upset for the wrong reason. God said that fornication is wrong. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). It doesn't matter whether you promised or not, the fact is that you have been sinning by breaking God's law, and right now you are lost in your sin. Your promise happened to coincide with God's teaching, but it is a distant second to the fact that you've been breaking God's law. To think that God has been using you while you remain in your sins is foolish.
Worse, you don't take full responsibility for your sin. You said it was something you can't stop. But God said, "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it" (I Corinthians 10:13). I don't think you meant to do so, but you are basically saying that God lied in your case. However, the truth is that you have gotten caught up in sin and its deceitfulness and are lying to yourself. No own is making you take off your pants; you are choosing to do so even though you have other choices available. So while you say you want to stop, your actions give a different story. "Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them. Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven" (Matthew 7:17-21).
Next, your view of what love is follows after the world. You describe it as a spark and a feeling but read through I Corinthians 13:4-8 and you won't find either concept there. I would like you to take time to read "Love Is ..." and learn the truth. You are trying to maintain excitement instead of letting true love develop. Because you have been chasing after feelings lust has dominated your relationship. You've lost sight of her as a person and focus on satisfying your sexual desires.
It is not that I don't think you can turn this around. I know you can. But first, you need to accurately see where you are so you know where you need to go.
First, you need to examine your love for the Lord. You clearly want to love God, but you've taken a wrong turn. "If you love Me, keep My commandments" (John 14:15). "Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. He who says, "I know Him," and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked" (I John 2:3-6). You need to repent, both in your behavior and in your attitude toward sin. And you need to be a Christian in truth and not just in a claim.
Second, you need to restart your relationship. You need to get to know each other as people. Spend time together in public places, but no more spending time alone. Keep your hands off each other. "Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1).
You have to be responsible for your own behavior. No one will make you do right; you have to choose to live righteously. A good part of why your attitude is changing toward your girlfriend is that a part of you blames her for your misbehavior. She has her responsibilities toward the sin she is committing, but you have your own responsibilities. It is past time that you change.
Question:
Thank you so much! I know I said in my note that I told God how I wanted her to look like and be like, but I also asked for a nice heart, and I can see both in her. We really do want to serve the Lord with all our hearts! We just need to get through this fornication, and I know that we can live a holy relationship with the Lord, but can I really change God's mind into asking Him to use us for His will even after all this has happened?
Answer:
You cannot ask God to accept you while you remain in your sin. But all sins can be forgiven. "For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more" (Hebrews 8:12).
So you have a choice. You can become serious about serving God righteously, not making any more excuses about why you need to commit fornication. Or, you can marry this woman and be serious about loving her as defined in I Corinthians 13:4-8. "But if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (I Corinthians 7:9).
"Foods for the stomach and the stomach for foods, but God will destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. And God both raised up the Lord and will also raise us up by His power.
Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a harlot? Certainly not!
Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For "the two," He says, "shall become one flesh." But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him.
Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's" (I Corinthians 6:13-20).
Question:
You're right brother! I will get serious! Can you keep us in your prayers?
Answer:
Of course.
