Should I move on and let this man repair his family?
Question:
Good day, sir!
I'd like to thank you in advance for reading my letter. I've been quite troubled over my current situation and I hope you can offer me some advice.
My guy and I have been together for some time now, and I've had hopes for an impending engagement. But as of late I don't think that will be happening. My guy has been divorced from his ex-wife for 3 years now, and they were separated prior to that for a year and a half. Around the same time, I had broken up with someone as well and was admittedly lonely and heartbroken. We were introduced by mutual friends and eventually developed our own friendship. After a strong year of friendship, we fell in love and decided to give dating a try. We were both hesitant at first but felt strongly that the Lord had brought us together. He had been divorced for three months by this time, and I felt that we were taking a step in the right direction.
Our relationship continued to flourish and everything seemed perfect. We attended church together regularly, and the one thing that constantly stuck out was sermons on divorce and marriage. They mainly spoke about husbands returning to their wives, and women who knowingly dated married men should release these men and allow them to return home. Every time this sermon was preached I instantly felt convicted, I'm not sure as to why. When I met my love he was separated legally and lived in his own apartment. We did not become romantically involved until he was divorced, so why was I feeling this way? I had seen the legal document showing that the divorce was real, and had met his ex-wife once, with her boyfriend, so I know that he hadn't been dishonest with me, but lately I had been becoming increasingly guilty.
I prayed about it often and decided to ask him if he regretted divorcing. He admitted that he didn't really want to but felt he had no choice. She had had multiple affairs and had gotten violent with him on several occasions. They had tried marriage counseling, but that didn't help either. He told me he hated to break up his family but felt they were past the reconciliation point, so he decided to seek divorce. I found his answer sufficient and decided to let the situation go in my head.
As our relationship progressed I felt that it was time to have 'the talk'. I'm in my thirties with no children. I have never been married. During the friendship portion of our relationship, I'd expressed my wanting to get married and have a child. He agreed that he was on board, he just wanted to make sure the timing was right because he would not get divorced again. I agreed and waited patiently. Lately, the ex-wife has been inquiring about our relationship and wants to know why did he "give up" on their marriage so quickly, abandoning her and their children. I've noticed a change in him and he seems very contemplative. I've asked on several occasions should I back off, giving him the opportunity to repair his marriage, and he looks at me as if I'm insane.
Truthfully, I'm beginning to feel as if we will never marry, and I'm wasting time. The problem is I'm in love with him, and I don't want to break up. I've prayed hard about it, asking God to do His will, but I'm still confused. Should I just move on and let this man repair his family? Or am I just being insecure?
Thank you in advance for your help.
Answer:
I never cease to be amazed by the number of people who make decisions based on feelings, especially when those feelings contradict the facts.
Your boyfriend reluctantly divorced his wife because she was and continues to play the role of an adulteress. I don't know how long before the separation he tried to hold his marriage together, but he did have one and half years during the separation to work on the problem. Clearly, because she has a boyfriend, she is not interested. Her current complaints sound more like a woman trying to manipulate her ex-husband. After all, what happened to her boyfriend?
The big concern I have is that you said you are "romantically involved" with this man. Many people say this when they are having sex, but since you are not married to each other, you are committing fornication (Hebrews 13:4). If this is the case, the sex has to stop immediately until after the marriage.
A second concern is that twice you mentioned he has abandoned his children. Do you mean that he is not seeing them or contributing to their care? Even if he has divorced his wife, he still has responsibilities to his children.
Whether he asks you to marry him is something I cannot predict. It seems clear that his former marriage is not repairable unless his former wife changes.
