Should I marry a woman who refuses to submit to me?



How are you? I am a born again, 28-year-old young man.

I have read many of your posts, and I find them very helpful and always in line with the word of God.

I have a bit of a challenge. I have my girlfriend, who I have been in a relationship with for a couple of years.  We attend the same church. I want to marry her, and I have introduced her to my family. She is very good to me, and she loves me. The problem is when we have a disagreement, I feel she is very arrogant and doesn't want to admit when she is wrong or try to compromise. When I asked her to go with me to the pastors for counseling, she refuses and says we should solve our issues on our own.

I am scared of marrying an arrogant woman, who won't submit to me. She says she believes I should love her first so that she submits to me. But I believe it's a two-way relationship. I should love her while she submits to me. It should not be that one partner has to do the other thing first. Now I am wondering if she is the right one.  She is very good to me, but that one aspect of not submitting and being arrogant really taints the 99% good that she does. I don't believe that she will change after marriage. I don't want to marry her and find out that she won't change. I want to be in a marriage that is the will of God.

Am I asking too much by wanting a woman who submits to me and is not arrogant? Some of the people I talk to say that it is because she is the same age as me, so she won't respect me. They suggest that I should get a woman who is a bit younger than me. I don't want to tell God what to do, but I need a sure sign that she is the right one -- a sign that I will not doubt, no matter what happens.

Please help me. Thank you.


The reason you date is to learn who a person is. You then decide to marry someone because of who they are and not who they might become. Typically while dating, a person puts his best behavior forward in an attempt to impress the other person. If what you are seeing bothers you, understand that it will more likely become worse after marriage.

When she says that she will submit to you after you love her, then she is saying that she doesn't believe that you love her. You are correct that it is a two-way street. You as a man who may potentially become her husband should be showing her love. She as a woman who may potentially become your wife should be showing you respect (Ephesians 5:33).

What I can't answer is whether she is not submitting because what you may be asking her is not right. For example, I would expect a woman to refuse to have sex with a man she is not married to. Her duty to the Lord comes before helping her boyfriend commit a sin.

Thus, if you are not certain she is the one with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, then find another woman. Hanging on because you put several years in getting to know each other is not a reason to continue if things are not working out.


Thank you very much for your response and advice. I am a devout Christian and do not believe in sex before marriage, so I was not meaning submission in terms of sexual intimacy. I also understand what you said, and I will try to talk to her so that we both go for counseling and get help. She has always been reluctant to go, stating that we should solve our issues alone, but I believe that sometimes there might be something we are missing that they can see and use wisdom and experience to shed some light on our problems.

I appreciate your love and effort in replying my email. May the Lord bless you in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

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