My mom is upset that I don’t spend as much time with her as my sister does

Question:

Context before I ask my question:

I have been married to my husband for about a year now and happily consider ourselves still very much newlyweds.

The first time I moved out of my parents' home was when I married my husband. I was in my twenties and was the last out of my parents' children to “leave the nest”. My husband had been independent of his parents while in college and continued to be so as he began his career.

We were excited to be independent together and begin our new lives together as husband and wife -- excited to have the opportunity to create our own family values and culture that best fit God’s blueprints for happy family dynamics -- all to bring glory to the Lord and display the gospel to the world. We also live close to my parents and other family members.

During the first week of my marriage, my mother expressed to me how hard it was, and how it felt like grieving. I hurt for her as I saw her pain and we cried together on their couch. My mother is the least emotional person I know so I thought these feelings would quickly work themselves out and she’d be okay again. I was wrong. By the second week, she was angry with me that I didn’t text her goodnight and good morning or that I didn’t call enough. She would track my activity on social media whenever I was on and would take offense that I didn’t contact her at that time. So I disabled that function, which made her even angrier. She wanted us to spend the night at my parents' house on the weekends within the first month of our marriage. For obvious reasons, as newlyweds, we did not want to and that was extremely hurtful to her. I could have done a better job at calling more often in those two weeks, but I felt like I was doing what I was supposed to do which was cleaving to my husband. I was having the time of my life. I also have a job and have responsibilities of my own in our new home so the expectation was hard to live up to.

Well, this went on for several months. With each volatile attack on me and my husband, I would pull away and not call as often because I feared being yelled at on the phone and being told things, such as that I “have a small heart,” “I’m ungrateful,” or that “I will never open my emotions to you again. Out of protection for myself, I will close my heart off to you.”

Mind you, I allowed my parents to pick us up for church every Sunday and Wednesday because I knew it would mean a lot. I also did see them about once a week outside of worship. But it was never enough.

She has told me several times that she wants a “mother-daughter” relationship like she has with my sister. They do everything together and call each other probably 20 times a day. I always knew I would be different once I moved out, but I didn’t know it would be “bad,” but in other ways, I think maybe I did.

She has also expressed to me that she does not believe that the wife is to leave and cleave to her husband and that it’s only the husband's duty. I strongly disagree. I see how beautiful a picture God makes marriage in all of Scripture as it relates to Christ (the groom) and the church (the bride). She is also incredibly disrespectful to my dad in private and in public so maybe I just shouldn't take her opinion too seriously.

I guess I’m struggling with how to communicate that I want a relationship with her, but that I may do things differently and see things differently. She has told me I get all of my thoughts from my husband and that he will steer me down a wrong path if I think that one’s spouse comes first. She has also told me to stop reading and just “be normal.” My husband is a very godly man. I don’t think I’m wrong for seeking God’s wisdom on marriage and family that is outside of her opinion.

She has also told me that she won’t be as bonded with my children as she is with my sister's whom she sees almost on a daily basis.

I want a relationship with her and for her to be involved with my children, but I also want to be an autonomous adult who lives for the Lord and who serves my home well. But for her, it’s all or nothing. She has even told me she doesn’t love my father more than anyone and that I shouldn’t love my husband more than anyone. To me, it shows in how she treats him.

How do I lovingly handle this situation when it gets hostile? It has made me react angrily in the past and sometimes even now. I try so hard to humble myself and pray at the moment to deliver me from my anger. I so desperately want to do what’s right in the eyes of the Lord. It’s so hard to not feel beat down when I am constantly reminded on regular bases of how “heartless” I was and that hopefully I “can love your children enough.” etc. This whole situation has hurt me more than I can express.

Any biblical advice and wise counsel you have would be greatly appreciated. There’s a whole lot more to this situation, but I just need practical advice on how I can handle this best. Also is it wrong for me to seek advice from peers, outside of my husband? I don’t want to gossip or dishonor her.