My husband was previously involved in a marriage scam. Is my marriage legitimate?
Question:
Thank you for reading and responding. I have found your articles and answers to be very helpful and I’m happy a platform as such exists.
I met my husband the same day he filed for divorce and things between us moved fast. We were married in less than a year of meeting. We have now been married for six months.
I was raised in the church of Christ and felt so bad I went and talked to my elders.
He married the woman before me for citizenship. He claims they never had sex. He says it was just for citizenship. The woman had previously married another guy for money, and he was granted citizenship and was then later referred to him so he could do the same process with her too.
He claims she was living with her kids' father and her baby daddy knew of the arrangement and even drove her to him to pick up payments.
Later, as the agreement progressed, she then desired to add sex, and he denied her saying her baby daddy knows this is a business relationship and didn’t want to create drama. She then began to demand more money because he refused sex. He concluded he wanted to stop the process, and they filed for a divorce.
In fear of making the wrong decision, I went to my elders told them everything and was told I have to find out why she divorced the first husband. If it wasn’t for adultery, the second marriage to my current husband wasn’t valid in God's sight and that he and I would be OK to remain married.
I found the lady on Facebook and we talked on the phone. I explained I was a Christian and she said they did have sex, he cheated on her, and that he was her first husband. I begged her to please be sure of everything she said because I was Christian and her answers represent divorce for me.
I’m sure I sounded odd or partially crazy. I then went to the courthouse to see if I could see more information on the divorce decree. There was nothing, just the words "unreconcilable differences." Then I got the idea to ask if there was another divorce decree under the previous wife's name. I was handed a second file and that divorce said the same thing: "unreconcilable differences." The man's name that was listed was a foreign name. When I asked her about the previous marriage she swore she had never been married and assured me he was her first. I told her the story my husband told me and she said he’s lying, and we could all meet because she can’t believe the lies he’s saying. I told her that it was a great idea and then she responded that’s childish and she doesn’t need to see him and that she won’t meet. Since the initial call, I have been blocked via phone and Facebook and also feel, even if I wasn’t blocked, she wouldn’t be truthful with me
Finding her divorce decree validates what my husband told me. He says she was living and sexually active with her baby daddy prior to the marriage and up until the divorce. My elders said he knew about the fornication before he married her so that it wasn’t grounds to divorce her. But they mentioned that her previous marriage if just married for financial gain and now she is on her second marriage for financial gain, these free my current husband from that marriage.
I am prepared to stay or leave my marriage based on your answer and scripture. And, yes truthfully, I do want out of my marriage. We lack sex and even the bond I think we should have. To be raised in the church of Christ and then make a decision like this. I’m so ashamed I wish I had walked away before getting married.
Answer:
It would have been better to discuss situations before making permanent decisions. Sadly, too many people don't view marriage as a true covenant that binds a couple for the rest of their lives. They rush into marriage with the idea that it can be ended.
What I gathered from your note is that your husband wanted to become a citizen in another country. A friend of his had found a woman who offered to marry him in return for payments. As soon as he qualified for citizenship, he divorced her and told your husband. She agreed to a similar scam with him. However, she got greedy. She wanted sex from him and more money. He divorced her, but he had not married long enough to qualify for citizenship. He had to get married again. He found you and rushed into marriage with you.
What I would have told you is that your husband doesn't have a Christian's view of honesty or marriage. He looks at morality as something that can change with the situation. If he can come up with an excuse, he is allowed to break God's laws to gain what he thinks is the greater good for him. What I don't know is if he has changed or not.
We don't know how many times this woman has been married. She uses marriages and sex as a way of making money, so technically she is a prostitute. You found evidence that she lied to you when she claimed she was not married before. You also know that she has motives to lie about your husband: he rejected her sexual advances and stopped making payments to her. That she would like to ruin his current marriage in revenge is a strong possibility. Once you know someone is willing to lie, you can't trust anything they say.
Recall that the Bible teaches that two or three independent witnesses establish truth. He was married to this woman and he did divorce her. She was married before and had divorced. Everything matches that the prior marriage was also a citizenship scam. Her claim that she had sex with your husband cannot be supported. The fact that she will not meet with you and him just further supports that she is lying.
I assume that this scam was your husband's only marriage and that you had not been married before. The woman he married did not have a right to a second marriage. Even if they did not have sex, they were still in an adulterous covenant that should not have existed. That means he did have the right to marry and that your marriage to him is legitimate.
Now, in regards to your current marriage, your doubts about the legitimacy of your marriage would obviously strain your relationship with him and interfere with your bonding with him. If the lack of sex is due to his lack of interest, it would indicate that there are problems, but I don't want to guess what they are without talking with him. You and he have gotten off to a rough start in your marriage; however, you are in a lifelong covenant with him. You can be miserable or you can work at building a strong relationship so you can have a happy life together. See if there is someone locally who can give you both marriage counseling.
