Question:

Sir,

Regarding your reply to the question I just read. I have a question. I am in my early twenties. I have a boyfriend. When we started dating, I insisted on not having sex until we married. Few months into the relationship we started kissing.

When he first arranged our meeting place, it was in a relaxation spot with a hotel inside it. I had objections, but I did not state them. Deep down I wanted something more. I had been battling with lust and an unhealthy desire for sex and the pleasure it denoted. I grew up in an unhealthy environment. I was exposed to pornography by my neighbor and I grew up watching adults have sex in my presence. I longed for such satisfaction. Though I had not known any man sexually, in my heart I was like a caged bird seeking release.

After a couple of meetings in that destination, we kissed. We booked a room that day, but in the end, we could not have sex because I was a virgin, and he was scared my parents would find out. He had never defiled a novice before. More meeting times were spent in that hotel, kissing and romancing each other. With time the resistance fell down. Barely two months ago, we had sex. It did not give me the satisfaction I yearned for nor did it fill the hollow in my heart. Instead, I realized that I could not stop thinking about sex and desiring more.

Recently, my boyfriend keeps asking for sex. He says it is his right and his meal. If I try to deprive him of it, it becomes a problem for him and me because I also desire intimacy.

Yesterday, we began sex chatting on the phone. He called me and said he was aroused. When we met he wanted to ask for sex, but he did not want me to feel that our relationship is all about sex. He also said that he felt a pain that he could not explain because he desired intimacy with me. Impulsively I told I also desired same. He proceeded with sexual talk and I responded to him.

He asked me to come over to the hotel today on my way to work, so we could have a few minutes of bliss before I headed for the office. I stayed awake all night thinking of what this morning would be like. I called him all through the night and assured him that I was coming over, but this morning one or two things held me back at home, and I could not make it out of the house until it was too late to rush to the hotel to see him. When I called him to apologize for not showing up, he sounded angry and told me that he will call me when he gets to his workplace. As of this evening, he has not yet called me.

I once asked him if he wanted to marry me, but he said he does not know who to marry and that he does not want to promise any girl marriage, including me. My spiritual life for the past several years has been a struggle with sex and lust. I do not know what to do. I would have opted for marriage but an uncontrolled lust is not satisfied in marriage. My parents do not know what I have been doing all these years. They still think of me as a saint.

Please help me, sir.

Answer:

I'm puzzled as to what you are expecting in reply. You are violating God's laws in regards to sex and then wondering why life is decaying. "Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4).

You can't blame your boyfriend because he gave you clear signals about what his intentions are. From the time he invited you to a hotel, he indicated that he was after sex. You had decided that it was what you wanted and it was what you got. "For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man" (Mark 7:21-23). It doesn't excuse his sins, but you are equally at fault. "Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body" (I Corinthians 6:18).

While your environment was not good, you can't blame it because you knew those things were wrong, but you wanted sex anyway.

Despite his claim that the relationship is not just about sex, clearly it is just about sex. He has no interest in marrying. He just wants free access to sex. He claims it is his "right." This simply tells me that he is so far gone into sin that he longer sees fornication as a sin.

What happens is up to you. If you want to serve God and reach heaven, you will have to give up the sexual sins and live life the way God commands. Not only will you need to stop having sex, but you will also need to get rid of this man who is focused on sin. He definitely is not worth having in your life.

Question:

Good afternoon, sir.

I got your reply which I concur is the sad truth. I know I have consciously disobeyed God, relegated Him to the back in my life. Sir, how do I turn a new leaf? How do I grow spiritually and renew my mind from what it has grown used to? All my life I have lived in this captivity called lust. Before now, I have cried for long hours at nights to God asking Him to free me from this captivity of the Devil, but I lingered.

Today I am a messed up story. He keeps insisting that I go for a pregnancy test because my period is late for the month. I fear he might ask me to get an abortion if it shows that I am pregnant.

All my life I have struggled spiritually, I have cried out to God to help me in different struggles until my head aches whenever I cry. It came to a point when I actually believed that maybe I was created evil. Maybe I was Babylon. Sir, I don't know what to do now. I am willing to turn a new leaf and call it quits with him, but after that, sir, what do I do?

Answer:

God is able to do what you cannot do, which is remove the charge of sin from your life. However, you are required to do what you can do, which is is leave the sin. "Therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord" (Acts 3:19).

You keep expecting God to stop you from sinning or to take away the temptation to sin. But that would remove your free-will. God did not make you as a robot. He made you as a human being with the ability to decide between good and evil. Repentance must be your choice.

It seems you allow others to make your decisions. I see this in your fears about finding out if you are pregnant or not. You are afraid your boyfriend will insist that you get an abortion. It isn't his choice. It is yours. I'm sure he doesn't want a child. He already said he doesn't want to be committed to you and a child will be a responsibility he won't accept.

The man who has been using you should not be in your life. But you do need God in your life. Dump the man who is leading you into sin and find a good church to attend. Let your family and the church know that you have made some serious mistakes in your past and that you need help.

Temptations are always going to be there, but you need to be committed to doing what is right. This world is temporary and will pass away. If you focus on following the desires of the world, you will pass away along with the world. But the things of God are eternal and that is where your focus ought to be. "For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal" (II Corinthians 4:17-18).

Response:

Thank you, sir.

I will go for a test as soon as I can get leave from work. About telling my parents, they are very strict and will be angry and disappointed at me. As for my boyfriend as soon as the result is out I will call him and notify him that I am no longer interested in him. I will work on myself utilizing God's available grace.

I am grateful, sir.

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