My boyfriend and I keep falling into sexual sin. What should we do?
Question:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about half a year. When I first met him, I was backsliding and hardly going to church. He and I started going to his family's church together. His mother and father are both people of God. My spirit started talking to me, and I had to get my life back on track with my God. My boyfriend was forced to go to church all his life, so it was more a religion to him than a relationship with God. He is a good boy, though, in the sense that he doesn't go clubbing, drinking, or smoking -- he doesn't even curse.
When I decided that I wanted to do God's will and that I couldn't have sex before marriage with him anymore, he told me he wanted the same thing. He wants God's will in his life, and he tells me he thinks I am a blessing in his life to motivate him to get his life right with God. It made me happy. We were doing great going to church. I was on fire. My love and passion for God grew. I became a member of his church and I was serving God. God used me in crazy ways, but my boyfriend and I have fallen into sexual sin every other time. It was sad. I would cry, and he would too. I would repent, and he would too. We prayed together, and I prayed in my secret place.
One day I was so fed up that we fell into sexual sin again that I was worshiping the Lord in my own song saying, "Lord give me a sign for my understanding" whether the Lord wanted me to continue with my relationship with my boyfriend. Then the next day my boyfriend went to prayer in the morning, and his pastor prophesied to him, telling him God is going to send him a wife soon because he has desires for marriage. He and his pastor spoke privately, and he told his pastor that what she said was accurate. He wants to marry me. The pastors both said that they really like me, see I have a heart for God, and that I can be that wife for him. Just a week before, his mother gave him that same word, and now a week later the pastor confirmed that word without knowing what was going on in our lives. So I said glory to God.
But, unfortunately, we fell into sexual sin again. I was devastated and ashamed. I almost started losing fire for the Lord. Then someone told me to just repent and move on, and that's what I did. But lately, my boyfriend and I have been going through some things, such as arguing and I cry or he would cry. One thing about it is that he's a good man. He knows how to apologize when he is wrong. He has a good heart and he treats me like a queen, but I feel the enemy has been attacking us lately. I don't know what to do. It pushed me to the limit, and I broke up with him, but he cried and begged me not to leave him. He tells me that just because things haven't been perfect in the beginning and even now, it doesn't mean it won't get better. He really wants me to be his wife, and I do too. But we fell into sexual sin again, and I broke up with him. It really hurt him, and now I feel awful to have caused him a lot of pain. I don't know what to do. Please help me. I'm desperate.
Answer:
There are so many things wrong here that it is hard to determine where to start. But I will warn you that I tend to be blunt, so I hope you will consider carefully the things I'll be telling you even if they make you upset.
First, let's notice how you rate sins contrary to God's view of sin. You repeatedly talked about how good your boyfriend is but repeatedly talking about your fornication. "I wrote to you in my epistle not to keep company with sexually immoral people. Yet I certainly did not mean with the sexually immoral people of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner -- not even to eat with such a person" (I Corinthians 5:9-11). The point is that both of you are only pretending to be Christians. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). You have to match your intention to your action. Neither of you has been good, and it is past time to start behaving yourselves.
You are behaving in a similar way to your recent arguments. You say you love him and want to marry him, but then you don't match your actions to your words. Instead of solving the problem so that a marriage can advance, you drove a wedge between you and him.
When you say you keep falling into sexual sins, you make it sound almost accidental. It might not be your intention most of the time, but it certainly isn't an accident. Too much has to be done in advance before intercourse can take place for it to be anything but a choice on both of your parts.
The two of you have bad habits of arousing sexual passion in each other and then in the throes of that passion, you give in to sex. If you focus on just not having sex, you'll continue to lose. You need to stop the lust. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). If you are serious about being obedient to God and to have a better relationship, here are some basic rules:
- You will not be alone with him where other people are not around. This will remove the temptation to do things that you don't want other people to see you do. (And remember that God sees everything anyway.)
- No dirty talking. No sending pictures that would embarrass you if they were sent to your parents or friends.
- Clothing stays on when you are together.
- Hands do not go under clothing and stay away from the genitals or breasts.
- You do not sit on his lap.
- No full-body contact.
Now, another fault that I find is that you claim God was using you while you continued to sin. "Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, "The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously"? But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: "God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble"" (James 4:4-6). This causes me to conclude that you are not looking at the situation accurately because God doesn't support sinners.
God has told you what to do. You don't need special signs or the words of someone who claims to be a prophet. You need to start listening to the Lord. "He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him" (John 14:21).
