Listening to Children
by Naomi Works
In the last few years, God has blessed me with the opportunity to spend a lot of time with children of all ages in all kinds of settings (Bible studies, homeschool co-op classes, crafting sessions, everyday life, etc.). I can’t even begin to express how many lessons I’ve learned through all these interactions, but I thank God for His goodness in allowing me these revelations.
One of the most eye-opening things I’ve observed is how adults interact with children. I feel the need to preface this by saying that I’m speaking generally; the following “blanket statement” does not apply to many people. That being said, I have observed that adults tend to ignore children until they (the adult) want to interact. Example: A group of adults will call over a child and ask him to tell them what he learned in school or what word he mispronounced the other day. After the child’s “performance”, he is left out of the rest of the conversation.
In the ASL classes I took in college, we learned that one of the most hurtful and damaging things that hearing families do to their deaf family members is ignore them and leave them out of conversations. Phrases like “Not now” and “Later! I’ll tell you later!” isolate the deaf person and solidify their position on the outskirts of the family unit.
The sad truth: I couldn’t even give you an estimate for the number of times I’ve witnessed a child ask a question about what a group of adults is discussing, and he or she is met with “I’ll tell you when we get home,” or “Hold on just a second,” or silence. I have been culpable of this in the past, and I hope I never again become comfortable with isolating children that way.
People have asked me what I do to develop and maintain good relationships with children. I think the key is:
- valuing their existence and
- making it obvious to them and to other adults.
Listen to them, get excited about the little things with them (children’s enthusiasm is contagious, and it’s sad when adults squelch it instead of imitating it), and respect their autonomy. If you really want to be a good friend to children, actively listen to their stories and ask them questions (even the smallest clarifying question can make them feel so smart when they get to explain something). Ask for a child’s opinion. Remember something a child is interested in (a hobby or a topic) and bring it up in conversation next time you see him or her.
In general conversation, include them and answer their questions about jokes and references that “go over their heads.” I understand that there are specific topics of conversation that children shouldn’t hear. I don’t mean that every question they ask should be answered immediately and in full detail. But there is a difference between saying “That’s something I want to think more about before you and I talk about it together,” and “Not now. Go play.”
Children aren’t stupid. They often perceive more than adults do, and definitely more than adults give them credit for. If a child is aware of a conversation and asking questions about it, I wonder if adults should be more prudent about the topics they discuss and where they discuss them.
In Bible classes, listen to their spiritual questions and answer them, even if it doesn’t “fit into the curriculum”. I promise you that running out of time and not being able to cover all your material is a small price to pay for the trust you’ve established with those children.
I hope some part of these observations is helpful. Even if they aren’t, my hope is that we will all meditate on and apply Matthew 19:13-15 and Matthew 18:1-6 as our Lord intended.
