Is Dominate Submissive role-playing bad?
Question:
What I am doing does not involve sex. I just want to make that part of it clear This is something that brings in fast money, and I've been doing it for almost a year. I just don't want people thinking I'm having sex for money. Everything done is consensual and agreed upon before any appointments are made. It can be stopped at any time, papers are signed. It's 100% legal. There's no sexual aspect of it, no arousal.
This is hard to explain without it coming across as perverted, so bear with me. There truly is nothing sexual about it. I am known as a Dominant, those who come to me are known as Submissives.
It is most likely not morally correct since I am so uncomfortable disclosing any information about it. Maybe the saying that if you can't say what you're doing in front of your mother, you shouldn't be doing it, is correct. I don't exactly remember why I got into this. To explain this in the most basic way possible, I was contacted by and paid to act as a disciplinarian to several women right now. They allocate a minimum of two days a week at a previously set location for me to be there with them for set times during those days. They pay a lot of money to be told what to do, to be controlled, to be disciplined if they request it. Some just want to be submissive and be given direct orders and we leave it at that with no physical contact. Others will only call me if they want to be physically disciplined, and we leave it at that as well. We do not have a personal relationship outside of those allotted times each week.
Is what I'm doing wrong?
Answer:
The problem with Dominate-Submissive role-playing is that turns the idea of discipline and punishment on its head. Punishment is supposed to be the consequence of doing something that is wrong. It serves as a notification that the action is incorrect and it is a deterrent to repeating that same action. But in Dominate-Submissive role-playing discipline, whether verbal or physical, is disconnected from any particular action. Instead, the Submissive person is acting as a cop, judge, and jury against herself. She is deciding she needs punishment and decides what that punishment will consist of. The problem is that she is biased because she is involved.
If you ask the Submissive person what wrong was done, the answer is generally vague. They talk about pain and guilt but what exactly was done wrong isn't specified.
Of course, the question is why do people get involved in this sort of thing. I've noticed that many of those who find this and related activities, such as self-cutting or self-harm, have difficulties with their moods. Physical pain does cause the body to release endorphins to help deal with the physical pain, but those same hormones have side effects in altering a person's moods. For most people the effect is minor, but it seems the self-harming people respond stronger to the change in moods. It becomes a form of stress relief.
The sad thing is that doesn't help solve any stress, it only temporarily distracts. That is why it is sought out repeatedly. The problems remain. Typically they get worse because the problems aren't being addressed in a productive way. People don't learn to manage stress, only to avoid them.
But the role-playing also destroys the concept of what submission is biblically. In the Bible, submission simply means the willingness to follow others who are in authority. "Submitting to one another in the fear of God" (Ephesians 5:21). Submission is a voluntary act chosen by the person deciding to follow. However, in Dominate Submissive role-playing a person is forced into submission. It is no longer a gift given, but something taken by force.
For the Dominant person, there is a different motive. This person gets a thrill over being in control of other people. It feeds that person's pride by making oppression of others seem attractive or right. One of the avenues of lust that Satan attacks us with is pride (I John 2:15-17). Concerning the wicked, God said, "He has said in his heart, "I shall not be moved; I shall never be in adversity." His mouth is full of cursing and deceit and oppression; Under his tongue is trouble and iniquity. He sits in the lurking places of the villages; In the secret places he murders the innocent; His eyes are secretly fixed on the helpless. He lies in wait secretly, as a lion in his den; He lies in wait to catch the poor; He catches the poor when he draws him into his net. So he crouches, he lies low, That the helpless may fall by his strength" (Psalms 10:6-10). It is the idea that might somehow makes right.
I'm not saying this is you, but rather this role-playing is training you to think this way about yourself and others. It is completely contrary to what Jesus desires of his followers. "But Jesus called them to Himself and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave -- just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many" " (Matthew 20:25-28).
While you've kept sex out of this so far, a quick scan of the material on this subject shows that sexual arousal and sex are a major part of Dominate Submissive role-playing. "In D/s, both parties take pleasure or erotic enjoyment from either dominating or being dominated." [Wikipedia]. While you might not find it erotic, it doesn't mean that the women you are dominating don't find it erotic. When such happens, we then have lust as another issue.
Question:
My first Dom/Sub "partnership" (relationship would be pushing it) involved sex; however, sex creates personal feelings and there's no room for personal feelings in this. Since her, I had resolved to not have sex with my subs.
The thing about it that has been getting to me fairly recently is that it's been creeping into unrelated parts of my life. One, it takes up a lot of time each week. Since no one knows the specifics of it I've had to lie about my work schedule, claiming a second job. I do not like lying. Two, I used to be able to leave my mindset once I was no longer with the women. Lately, that has not been the case. I've found I'm snapping at people more, involving myself in arguments I have no business involving myself in. Fleeting thoughts of a female co-worker or customer cops an attitude with me. I don't like this happening. It's not appropriate for one thing, and once I picture it in my head I feel awkward around the person which affects how I do my job. Three, this makes having an actual relationship with a woman difficult. I know only how to sexually satisfy women that are into this. Every sexual encounter I've had outside of Dom/Sub contracts has had an element of it, just not as "hardcore."
I would like to stop all of it. However, stopping raises issues. I would make far less a month, which is the bulk of my monthly income. Another issue is that before I enter into any Dom/sub relationship, a contract is signed by both parties involved, laying everything out about what can and will happen during a mutually agreed upon time period. Most I'm finished within less than a month, the rest I will finish within two months. It's not about the amount of time involved, it is about the fact that I keep my word. They know I keep my word, and by terminating early for no given reason other than I want to, I break my word. I don't like breaking my word if I don't have to.
I'm in over my head.
Answer:
It is easy for people to tell themselves "I won't be affected by it," but the influence is always there. For example, "Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul" (Proverbs 22:24-25). The stronger the emotions involved, the stronger the influence.
One of the things I often ask people is "Would you like your children to know you do this?" or "Would you be upset if you found out your child was involved in this?" Often when we take ourselves out of the picture and see it from another person's perspective, what once was murky suddenly becomes painfully bright.
When making moral decisions, money can't be a factor. "Treasures of wickedness profit nothing, but righteousness delivers from death" (Proverbs 13:11). Money gained by immorally won't benefit you. As Solomon noted, "Surely oppression destroys a wise man's reason, and a bribe debases the heart" (Ecclesiastes 7:7).
If it is a proper contract, it should have termination clauses. Meeting those clauses still means you have kept your word and terminated the contracts in the way you agreed to do so. So extract yourself from this, and then get a legitimate second job. You might not make as much, but you'll be able to sleep better at night and respect the man you are.
I won't discuss how you properly treat a woman, except in the context of respecting a woman so much that you'll wait until you are married to have sex with her. "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4). When you are interested in learning how to really love a woman, we can have a long discussion about the proper treatment of women.
Like all sins, there is always a way out. "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it" (I Corinthians 10:13).
Response:
That is a good way of thinking about it. I wouldn't want a child of mine doing something like this, or knowing I do.
I do know what I'm doing is wrong. I feel it's wrong at the very core of my being. It's wrong that I am playing on the weaknesses of another person, whether it be their physical weaknesses or emotional weaknesses, purely for my benefit.
Thank you for actually letting me talk about this. Keeping something like this quiet has been my own personal hell.
Response:
I did some research on BDSM contracts. One point is that these types of contracts are not legally binding. One aspect of contract law is that you cannot contract for something that is illegal. I found a site that is in favor of BDSM but it talks about the fact that the contracts are not binding because states see BDSM as violence, which is illegal even with consent. Various states will classify BDSM as slavery (because of the bondage aspects), violence (as already noted), or prostitution if there is physical contact between the two people that can be construed as sexual, such as the touching of buttocks or breasts. Morally this role-playing is not right either. Giving your word to sin doesn't make sin permissible. Therefore, you can bring this to an end by simply notifying these women that you are terminating the agreement immediately because of changes in your life (leave it vague and broad).
