I’m rebellious but I want to follow God and I don’t know what to do

Question:

I have been dealing with a medical condition and going through a lot since the year 2006; even prior to the year 2006.  First and foremost I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son Of God; that's what I want to believe.  I was baptized several years ago.  Currently, I no longer attend church.  I've always had a rebellious demeanor within me, even as a child.  I want to do things my way, but I do realize that "my way" inevitably fails time after time; again and again.  I know that I'm wrong but I still want to do it my way.  I'm fully aware that I'm sinning against God and that doesn't make me happy.  I'm trying to have it both ways but I know deep in my heart that it's God's way or no way at all.  One morning while lying in bed I was thinking about how difficult my life is and before I knew it, I looked towards the ceiling and yelled at God  "I hate You!"  Let me make this perfectly clear; I don't want to "hate" God nor do I want to be God's enemy.  I know that God wants what's best for me.  I'm having such a difficult time submitting to God's Will.  There's like a tug-of-war going on inside of me.

I honestly believe that if I were to die right now, I'd go straight to hell; although there is a small amount of hope still left inside of me that I won't?  I don't want to hate God, I don't want to be God's enemy; so much has happened in my life that I don't know who I am anymore.  Honestly, even my prayers I believe are an abomination to God.  My prayers don't make it past the ceiling, of this I'm most definitely certain!  In spite of it all, I still believe that God is an awesome God; that He's wonderful, beautiful, holy, magnificent, good, merciful, righteous; He's God.  I'm very confused, tired, and lost; completely lost.  I have no idea what to do anymore.