I’m heartbroken that I have to end my marriage
Question:
Hello Mr. Hamilton,
I wrote to you a month or so ago and you were very helpful. I wanted to thank you again.
Just a refresher. I found out after my husband and I were married for less than six months that he was viewing pornography. Of course, like the world seems to view, he said that was just "normal" for a guy. However, time and time again, my husband had no answer for strange things that were happening. For example, he wouldn't come home when he had the opportunity to or he'd be somewhere other than where he said he was. That's when I decided to download an app on his phone to try and get to the bottom of it all. I wanted to prove myself wrong! I wanted to be overly suspicious. That didn't happen. Unfortunately.
The reason that I am writing this time is that I have never ceased to pray about this marriage, but tomorrow happens to be our divorce hearing. I have to say, I am having a bit of sadness running through me. I can't say that he's ever even wanted to work on this marriage since I found out his 'secret'. He's acted more offended like I'm his enemy. It rings in my ears, some of the things he'd say, "Why should I apologize for something that I'm going to do anyway?" He has defended pornography like it was his best friend. Sad. I know where this type of addiction can lead and I hate to say it, but I do believe that he hires prostitutes and definitely participates in video and sex chat rooms. I even confronted him about it and all he said was, "Well, I can't change the way you think," and "It would be a futile effort at this point." I pray and intercede for him constantly. My greatest desire is that he is saved at some point. Maybe I am not the vessel that God will use for this. But I do know that our God is the God of miracles.
If you have any words of wisdom, I would love to hear them right now.
God bless.
Answer:
Your husband is an adulterer who is in denial that he is in sin. He feels he has to blame you because if he doesn't, then he has to face the fact that he is in the wrong. It is so sad that his pride won't let him humble himself before God.
He is wrong about not being able to change. Countless other adulterers and porn addicts have changed and more will change in the future. What he won't face is that he doesn't want to change. He doesn't want to admit that he is doing all of this by his choice. It makes him feel better to lie to himself and tell himself that he is just a victim of his own nature. That takes less effort.
You didn't fail this marriage. He did. Perhaps, one day he'll realize that.
Pray to God that he might one day see that he is in sin and change from his sins. Meanwhile, you have a life to live in service to God. I don't know if that life will include him again or not, but as I said before, if you do decide to marry again, make marrying a true Christian a priority. Don't rush into marriage. Take your time to make sure you have a good man.
