I’m feeling guilty about cheating on my girlfriend
Question:
Hello,
I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for three years now. When we met, she hadn’t been with anyone before, while I had multiple past relationships. Over time, I pressured her into being intimate before marriage—something she agreed to, perhaps out of love or other reasons.
Recently, I was unfaithful to her and had an encounter with an escort. Although I had been open about my past before we began dating, she still chose to be with me and remains willing to give me another chance. Now, I’m struggling with intense guilt, which leads me to several questions:
- With these feelings of guilt, should I tell her what recently happened? The truth is, I haven’t fundamentally changed.
- I realize I lack a deep respect for God, His creation, and the moral and ethical principles that should guide my life. How can I begin to shift away from the selfish and fleeting hedonism that I often pursue?
- I feel the need to dismantle parts of myself that are holding me back from being closer to Jesus and God and from building a healthier relationship. What are some actionable steps I could take to achieve this?
Thank you for any guidance.
Answer:
I keep wondering why people think that dating is equivalent to marriage. You have been ignoring God's commands -- perhaps justifying yourself by telling yourself it is a "committed" relationship, but you have yet to remain committed in any of your past relationships. When Paul said, "Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10), there are no exceptions for people who are playing at marriage.
Of course, you should be feeling guilty. Christ gave his life to free you from sin, and you have been trampling over him in your rush to continue to sin. Where is your respect? How can you be close to the Lord when you ignore His commands? "Why do you call Me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?" (Luke 6:46).
"For if we go on sinning willfully after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a terrifying expectation of judgment and the fury of a fire which will consume the adversaries. Anyone who has set aside the Law of Moses dies without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much severer punishment do you think he will deserve who has trampled under foot the Son of God, and has regarded as unclean the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know Him who said, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay." And again, "the Lord will judge His people." It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God" (Hebrews 10:26-31).
Saying you had an "encounter with an escort" makes it sound unintentional. A more accurate statement is that you went out of your way to pay a prostitute to have sex with you. This is not proper behavior for a Christian.
God wants you to be set apart as someone dedicated to His service. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification" (I Thessalonians 4:3). "Sanctification" is to be set apart for a holy purpose. You can't be holy with your clothes off having sex with a prostitute or girlfriends. "that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality" (I Thessalonians 4:3). How do you stay out of fornication? "That each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor" (I Thessalonians 4:4). Your vessel is your body. It is the container for your soul. You have to control your body. It should not be controlling your decisions. Your decisions should control your actions, and you should treat yourself as something holy and honorable because Christ purchased you with His own blood. How do you lose control of your body? "Not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:5). "Lustful" and "passion" translate two Greek synonyms for lust. It refers to passionate things designed to stimulate lust in you. You can't expect to control yourself when you put yourself in situations where someone is encouraging you to think about sex. You can't control your sexual urges while watching pornography and thinking about how to get women to let you have sex with them. "But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28).
The truth that God desires you to be sanctified is so important you cannot allow anyone to deceive you into thinking differently. "And that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. So, he who rejects this is not rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you" (I Thessalonians 4:6-8).
Thus, you must make decisions based on what God says is right or wrong and not based on your impulses or feelings. It isn't about what you want but what God commands. This means giving up the pornography. It means marrying your girlfriend and stopping the sex with her until you're married. It means you must treat her respectfully and not as a toy to satisfy your cravings. It means you can't be touching her sexually or talking dirty to her. It won't be easy, but it is doable, and your life will be much better in the long run.
